Recently, I had a conversation with a girlfriend about marriage. She told me she wasn’t happy and that she and her husband were having trouble as many couples do. I always feel sad when people are not happy, and I want to figure out how to help them make it better. Life is too short, and I want everyone to enjoy this one shot that we have at it.

I know life is not all sunshine and roses. Life is hard. Things happen and times can suck. We must realize that we can make a difference in our lives. We have control of our careers, where we live, what we do, and who we do it with. If you haven’t already, sit down with your partner and look at your year in review. What did you enjoy doing and who did you enjoy doing those things with? This is also a perfect time to review your relationship. What went well and what can you make better? It’s not a time to point fingers, but a time to reflect and build.

Because you are unhappy, I don’t think you should give up on your partner. Relationships are hard. You fell in love at some point. You enjoyed each other’s company in the past. The question is, how do you get back into the “love bubble?”

I was unhappy in a previous marriage and decided to get divorced. I believe we both tried, but in the end, we were good people who weren’t good together. We didn’t know how to communicate, and we hurt each other with broken promises.

Although nothing is perfect, I do believe I found the perfect person for me. He stole my heart with his love for Sweet Gram. He makes our partnership amazing by doing the little things like making me coffee every morning. He also knows relationships take work, and we agree that we want ours to be 100 percent amazing. And we have fun together. We focus on the positive. We look out for each other.

I’ve written in the past about how people say opposites attract and many marriages work on that principle. My Rock and I are anything but opposite. And it works for us. Sometimes we both get overwhelmed with our Never Home lifestyle but usually, we just need a day or two of downtime or a “therapy session” (as I like to call it), and we are back at it. We also have had our issues, but we have been able to talk them out and make it better. I finally learned that I needed to quit bringing up old issues. We would talk about them then I would continue on my rant weeks or months later. It wasn’t fair to him or to me to keep bringing up the same old issue. Finally, we both realized the best way to handle it was to be honest about our feelings and to put the issue to rest.

I do believe there are things you can do to make your marriage better if you are struggling. I also believe it takes two people and 100 percent effort. It takes complete honesty to make a marriage better.

If you are struggling in your relationship, please have a sit-down, uninterrupted, no cell phones, no TV, eye-to-eye honest conversation. Decide if you want to move forward, make it better, and have fun in life. Decide what you have to do to get there. Decide what compromises you EACH have to make to bring your relationship back to a happy one. I think the best thing for our relationship was that we started with a long-distance courtship. We had to communicate our feelings through email, phone calls, and text messages. We used the love language of words of affirmation for the first year of our relationship and would email each other “why we liked each other”. We also would state whether or not we wanted to continue our relationship. We would write what we liked or didn’t like about our relationship at the time. It was a great foundation that we continue to use every new year to check in. We talk about what we like, what we don’t like, and how we can make our marriage better.

Again, I am no expert but I believe these are a few things you can try before you let the relationship go:

1. Fill Each Other’s Love Bucket. Read the book “The Five Love Languages.” Do the test and talk to your partner about how to fill each other’s love buckets. Be open and honest.
2. Therapy Session. You can schedule a session with a marriage counselor or you can schedule a time to get together, turn your phones off, and have a serious and deep conversation with each other. What caused conflict or hurt in the first place? How can you get past that hurt? What do you like and dislike about each other? Where did things fail? Once it is all out there then you need to decide if you can let the past go. Can you move forward? Can you let this be the last conversation about the topic and move on? Can you trust each other?
3. Communication. If you are not good at communicating and you let things build up, try working with your partner on a keyword or phrase to let them know something is bothering you but you don’t know how to bring it up. For me, I tell My Valentine I need a therapy session with him. We will do it then or at a time when we can both drop everything and focus. He then knows what I am going to say is important. I like this way of communicating because it gets us both in the frame of mind of being open, honest, and listening.
4. Activities. Make a list of the things you enjoy doing together. Do you both enjoy going to the gym? Then go together. Do you enjoy pickleball, tennis, golf, skiing, or some other sport? Then get a few dates on the calendar. Do you enjoy going out to dinner or cooking together at home? Then schedule a weekly date. It is important to find things you enjoy doing together.
5. Independence. Is there something you don’t enjoy doing together but one person does? A wise friend once told me if there is something you like and they don’t, it is okay to do it separately. I believe you need time away from each other to appreciate each other. My grandparents worked together for 30 years. Although in different offices, they ate lunch together every day. But my grandmother loved going to Bingo once or twice a week, and my grandpa loved going to sporting events. They enjoyed each other and would often go polka dancing each week. They had a great balance of doing things together and separately, which is probably why their marriage lasted almost 66 years.

1. Honesty. I am a person who would rather have my partner tell me they did something they know I wouldn’t like than try to hide it. I don’t like lying, and I can’t stand the disrespect of it. Some men would rather not know that their wives cheated on them. Some women would rather not know their husband watches porn. And that may work for them. I want to know. Then I have the decision to work it out or let it go. My Valentine and I have found that complete honesty works for us. Some of our closest friends are people that we’ve had relationships with in the past. But that’s it. It was in the past. We’ve all moved on, and we can appreciate the close friendships we now have with people who’ve known us forever.
2. Ex-partners. It is sad but many people are on their second or third marriages. On one hand, divorce is too easy and people don’t stay to work on the hard stuff and make it better. Needless to say, if you are with someone who has children from a previous relationship, then the parent of those children is going to be in your life forever. Hopefully, your partner and their ex are on good terms. Hopefully, they have found a way to parent together. Hopefully, they are on the same page with raising children. If not, things can be very difficult. I encourage you to have your partner sit down with their ex and try to compromise on how to split the holidays, the parenting, the birthdays, and the gatherings. I think it is wonderful when the two parents and their new partners and the children can all celebrate the occasion together. It’s not fair to the kids to have their parents in a competition. Put the child first. The child does not care who spends more money on them. They don’t care who buys them the most gifts. They want to be loved. They want to have quality time. They want their parents to be happy.
3. Respect. Relationships need to be based on respect. If you don’t have that it is very hard to move forward in a relationship. Respect your partner enough to tell them the truth. Respect them enough not to cheat on them. Respect them enough that you only want to see them without clothes on. Respect them enough to value their opinion. Respect them enough not keep score.
4. Keeping score. Many people start getting frustrated in relationships when one person feels they do more than the other. I think many stay-at-home moms or wives feel unappreciated and overwhelmed, especially if there are kids at home. The husband feels he has worked hard and just wants to come home and relax. Whereas the wife feels she has worked hard all day and would like some help. Try not to keep score. Think about the Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you start the laundry maybe your partner folds it. If you start the dishwasher maybe your partner puts it away. You are a team. Help each other out. If a lightbulb needs to be changed, change it. Don’t wait for the other person to do it. If the husband has to go off to work, pack him a lunch, some snacks, or a little note to let him know he is appreciated.
5. Let it Go. If you are absolutely miserable and there is no compromising to get back to happiness then maybe it’s time to let it go. Remember, you both are good people, just not good together. Hopefully, you can leave on good terms and if you have children together then hopefully you can find a way to peacefully and successfully co-parent. Life is too short not to be happy. If you can’t be happy together then maybe it is time to let go.

Relationships take work, commitment, honesty, and effort. Work on yourself first. Admit your faults. Then work on lifting up your partner. There are enough people in this world who will put you down. Work on making your relationship the best it can be. Work on making it a relationship that people look up to. Work on making it the happiest relationship you can have where both of your needs are being met. And don’t forget to check in with each from time to time and figure out how to make it better! And how to make it fun!