The movie, 50 First Dates, was released in 2004 so it has been a while since I have seen it, but I love Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler. It’s about a woman (Drew Barrymore) who has short term memory loss and a man (Adam Sandler) who falls for her. But every morning she wakes up and doesn’t remember who he is. So, day after day he goes about making her fall in love with him again by repeating the first date.
When I first started living with Gram back in 2016 (“Life Changes“) she was, for the most part, able to take care of herself. She got herself up, dressed, showered, and even made her own breakfast. She read the paper every morning. I knew she had been diagnosed with dementia, and she would repeat questions, but she was doing well.
Since then, her memory and stability have gotten worse. Although she has declined physically and cognitively, she is still able to do a lot. She is able to feed herself (although I make her breakfast and bring her to the table), remember names, remember people and places. Sometimes she will surprise us all when she asks a question about something that happened the day before.
Although I have heard of Dementia and Alzheimer’s patients being mean and physically aggressive, I rarely have had that experience with Gram. She is the sweetest, kindest, and the most wonderful little lady I know (mostly). Even after five years of being diagnosed with Dementia, she still laughs, cries, and knows what she likes and doesn’t like. And if she can hear you or read your lips, she can have a relatively decent conversation.
That being said, although she continues to do pretty well, I feel like I am living the movie 50 First Dates. Day after day, at the kitchen table in Pennsylvania, we hear the story of how she replanted a twig of a tree in the backyard. She always smiles as she annunciates Grandpa saying “Do you REALLY think THAT is going to grow?” Then she smiles and says I said, “Yes, and now look at it!” And I agree, the tree is huge.
Almost every morning at our house in Florida, after breakfast she asks if she can go sit by the pool. Then she will ask if it’s warm enough. Well, 99.9% of the time it is, Gram…we live in Florida 🙂
Almost daily, Gram asks where my husband is or where my mom is. “Where’s Jeffrey?” or “Where’s Mama?” I often hear. When I tell her, she gets a little sad, and can’t believe they are not home with us. She doesn’t understand anymore that my husband has to work and that requires him to be gone at times, and she doesn’t realize that my mom has moved to Virginia and doesn’t live up the street anymore.
She seems to have a handle on breakfast as it’s the same every day. She eats an over-easy egg and a piece of toast with jelly. At dinner is where we can get the most frustrated. She eats the same thing day after day which is mac and cheese, however, it’s the protein that changes. She will usually eat a few bites, but as soon as my husband and I sit down and put that piece of protein on her plate she asks, “What is This?” We tell her then two minutes later, and often after already having tried it, we hear again “what is this?”, and we tell her again. We usually tell her the truth the first few times she asks, but then we sometimes mess with her and tell her it’s mushrooms (because she hates them) or something so far off base of what is actually on her plate. She just looks at us and shakes her head, says ” I don’t think so” and then proceeds to eat the “unknown”. It is sad to see her little mind not know what something is, especially when she asks what Pepsi is because she’s been drinking it her whole life. I just shake my head and think 50 First Dates.
Every time we are in the car and I take her down a back road or she gets into unfamiliar territory she asks “Where are we?” I tell her, but then a few minutes later the same question again. Sometimes even when we pull into her house that she has lived in for 50 years, she will ask, “Who lives here?”
Almost every night when I put her to bed she will ask, “Is this my bedroom? Is this my bed?” and “Where’s Kuma?”. Kuma is the cat. She always needs to know where the cat is. It’s funny, though, because she talks to that cat like the cat is a person. She offers her food, tells her it’s time to get up, tells her it’s time to eat and tells her it’s time for bed. And if Kuma isn’t in the bed waiting for her then it’s the question, “Where’s Kuma?” Like the cat got up and left. After she kisses me good night, blesses herself, and lays down, she always says, “Stacy, thank you for everything”, which in the end makes it all worth it.
So, my life with gram is essentially like 50 First Dates. We have the same conversations day after day, we do a lot of the same things day after day, I answer the same questions day after day, and I make her the same food day after day. Many people think it’s a glamourous life I lead. Granted, I can travel, I can sit by the pool, I can live in two states, I can visit family and yes, I have been blessed to be able to take her with me on many adventures. But the day-to-day is not glamourous and honestly, sometimes it is downright depressing.
Maybe she asks these questions just to make conversation. Maybe she doesn’t know what else to say. Maybe the logical part of her brain isn’t working anymore. I don’t know, but I do try to learn what I can about the disease, and I do try to make the best of the situation. Either way, like Teepa Snow, says you have to try to find the Gems. Celebrate what she can do, can say, and what she can remember. That is what we try to do day after day.
Being a caregiver doesn’t mean your life is over. It doesn’t mean you have to sit at home with your loved one and watch them sleep (and boy does gram like to sleep!). We have discovered that if you are willing to take the wheelchair, pack up the oxygen, bring an extra change of clothes, answer the same questions over and over, and say the right thing to get them in the car, you can still take that loved one with you almost anywhere you go. Yes, you may have to persuade them. You may have to trick them. You may have to pull out all the stops, just like you may do with a three-year-old, but even though it’s more work, in the end, you both get amazing experiences to cherish.
