Yes, life can be hard but we need to push past those defeats and look forward to the positive outcomes that are yet to come.
I admire people who choose to smile and shine even after all the storms they’ve been through.
– Positiveoutlooks.com
Photo by Joe deSousa on Unsplash
Here is the End of my letter to Gram. If you missed it, start from the beginning with Letter to Gram then Part II Change, and Part III Frustration. We felt we couldn’t take good care of Gram anymore so we made the difficult decision of putting her in a memory care unit.
Dear Gram,
They told us not to come back for two weeks. I am not sure that was the best thing for you but we followed directions. When I came back you were very upset with me for putting you into the home. It was the only time in my life where I have seen you that upset and that mean. You were so upset. It was a sight I never wanted to see again. Of course, it made me doubt everything we were doing.
I didn’t want to put you into a home. I wanted to keep you with us. I wanted to keep taking you on new adventures, and I wanted you to live to be 100 years old! I thought if anyone could make it, you could.
You were in the home for about three months. Sometimes you seemed really happy there and others you were sad and wanted to come home. They told us they usually had a lot of activities with music and socializing but because of Covid-19 they couldn’t do it. I don’t know if these activities would have helped you. I don’t know if you would have participated or not. You only told us that everyone in there was old and all they did was sleep! Pretty funny coming from a 96-year-old who enjoyed napping as well. But you were used to being with people half your age so I understood where you were coming from.
In January, Jeff and I went skiing. Within our travels, we ended up getting Covid. We didn’t want to spread it through the senior living center so it was another 10 days before I could see you. I came back the day you got your second Covid vaccine. You took it like a champ, and we spent a few hours enjoying the sunshine on the back patio. I shared pictures of our ski trip and you told me how much you missed the snow. Then you told me to go home.
That evening we were out to eat when we got another dreaded phone call. You had fallen and hit your head. We raced to the hospital to be with you. Because of Covid, I was the only one allowed to go back into the room with you. I was seriously disappointed in the senior living center. They called me and said they were taking you to the ER. When I got there no one was with you. They just handed the ER nurse some paperwork and let you go. You had dementia. Yes, you would know your name and your date of birth but you couldn’t tell them what happened. You didn’t know. You barely remembered that you fell when I got there. I am so grateful that I was in town so that I could come to be with you. It astonishes me the way these facilities treat people and just send them to the hospital alone.
You were so scared and blood was all in your hair. After several x-rays and scans, the doctor told me your head was alright but you broke your right hip again. And since you already had it replaced once there was nothing they could do but give you pain meds and send you back home.
I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to take you home so bad and I think that is part of my regret and guilt. I think that is why I am having such a hard time letting you go. I knew the only chance of you getting better was if I took you home and nursed you back to health. And I was so torn. Did you want to stay on Earth with us? Or were you tired of getting drug around from place to place? I was scared also that I would be back to 24-hour care. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to help you. How much could I take on? How much could you take of trying to rehab your hip again? Would you survive it? We decided to take you back to the senior living center.
We met you back at the senior living place. We told all of the staff that your hip was broken and to please tell the next shift. We gave them the order for pain meds. It was the middle of the night so I was not hopeful that any of this would happen.
I came the next morning and again told the staff about your hip. The meds hadn’t been ordered yet. We did get you up and in your wheelchair. Your leg was swollen you were in a lot of pain. I am sorry if we did too much too soon. The doctor did not give us any instructions. He just said it would be painful but to try to make you move. I didn’t want you to just lay there but I don’t know how much we should have moved you either. I was at a loss.
The new head nurse at the facility was not a nice person, and she was not happy that you were back in their care. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I was afraid you were going to get kicked out. And maybe that would have been the best thing to happen. The next two weeks were awful. You were in so much pain. The staff was mishandling you, and I felt helpless. Hope Hospice was wonderful. They came and took care of you and tried the best they could to keep you comfortable. You just wanted to go home. And I am truly sorry that I didn’t bust you out and bring you home sooner. Two weeks later, you were gone.
The day before you passed I made arrangements to bring you home. I couldn’t take you being in that home anymore. And I felt so guilty for not taking you home right away. You weren’t eating, you were fading away. You were barely talking. You said they were mishandling you. You were pissed at me. I knew I had to do something. Hospice again was wonderful and made arrangements for a hospital bed in the home. You would be there the next day. I had it set up so you could look outside and see the pool. I was so glad you were coming home. We came back and visited you again that evening.
But we were too late. At 4:30 am on February 24, 2021, I got the phone call. You were gone. My heart was broken. I know they say people go when they want to go. Maybe you didn’t want to burden me to care for you 24/7 again. Maybe you didn’t want to put me through the pain of watching another family member enter Heaven from home. Maybe you would have made it if I would have done it a day, two days, or a week earlier. I don’t know the answers to these questions. I just know from my own guilt that I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to be there to hold your hand when you took your last breath. I wanted you to be in your favorite spot right by the pool one more time. I wanted Kuma, the crazy cat, to be snuggled beside you, too. But these are my wants and my guilts and honestly, I don’t know how to get over them. I am so so sorry that I wasn’t there for you in those final moments like you were always there for me. Please forgive me.
So, there you have it, my letter to Gram. All of my guilts and thoughts and failures. And there are so many who have told me that I gave her five wonderful years that she wouldn’t have had without me and in my head, I know she was tired of fighting and being dragged around by us and just wanted to be with her “daddy” (as she called Gramps) in Heaven, but my heart hurts so bad sometimes I can’t take it. I just miss her so much. I miss her cute smile, her laugh, and her positive attitude.
And in my head, I know that bringing her home earlier may not have made any difference. Not putting her into Senior Care may not have made a difference or may have had a more terrible outcome. I guess all I can say is that I am sorry that I disappointed you, Gram. I love you with all my heart and miss you terribly. Please forgive me.
Life is all about making choices. Don’t sit around and wait for things to happen to you. Take charge of your life and make things happen for you.
Don’t wait for things to get easier, simpler, better. Life will always be complicated. Learn to be happy right now. Otherwise, you’ll run out of time.
– unknown
Photo by Levi Meir Clancy on Unsplash
I know I have written about my Prince a few times, but these past few months have been extremely hard for us, and Jeff has been my rock. I don’t know what I would do without him. He is always there to listen, to love me, to tell me I am being too sensitive, and to support me when I need to scream. He picks me up when I am down. He squeezes me when all I need is a huge bear hug. I honestly don’t think I could have found a better match for myself. And I thank Sweet Gram every day for breaking her hip (the first time) which led us to Fort Myers so our path would cross with Jeff’s path.
Since March we have been dealing with a few different family situations. Some with his and some with mine. We have had to make some difficult decisions. We have had to make excessive travel plans. We have had to move things more than we have wanted to. And in doing this Jeff has been my rock. It has been a challenge to our relationship because we are dealing with so many outside factors. We know that all we can control is our attitude, our effort, and our actions. We know within all the chaos, we need to make time for ourselves. We need to put each other first (which at times we both forget) and work on solving problems together. Sometimes we need to consciously stop and check in with each other, which we do.
I think the hardest thing for us is that we both care a lot about our family. I think we both want that family like Blue Bloods where they sit down for their Sunday dinner and have difficult conversations but always support each other. We want everyone there. His family. My family. Even our family-in-law. We always want to be in two places at one time. (Probably more me than him because I have FOMO but….)
Jeff and I are finally realizing that if people want to spend time with us, they will make time for us. They will look for a way to get there to see us whether it’s to drive, fly, or meet us somewhere. Those that care will find a way and will make plans with us. And those that don’t, well we have learned it is their loss, not ours. And we realize that sometimes travel plans are hard to make but we also know where there is a will, there is a way.
Jeff and I are social beings. We love spending time with family and friends. We love being a part of a group and having a bond with others. When others welcome us with open arms, it makes us feel like we are on top of the world. We love spending time with people who love to laugh, who love to give, and who are interested in us and what we are doing or have done in our lives. We love those who love to live life to the fullest.
Although we have had some rough times we also have been very blessed to have some really amazing times with some really wonderful and amazing people. It’s sometimes hard to believe we have such wonderful friends and family we have in our lives. And it seems we just keep meeting more and more wonderful human beings. I cannot thank everyone enough who have welcomed us with open arms. You make our hearts happy!
As you read in Jealousy, according to the book “Compete Every Day” by Jake Thompson we are in control of three things in life…our attitude, our effort, and our emotion. If you want to change your life, it needs to start with you. Commit to the change.
If you’re searching for that one person who will change your life, take a look in the mirror.
-unknown
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash
Attitude is everything. If you believe in the positive then usually the positive will happen. Start every day with a smile.
If we have the attitude that it is going to be a great day, it usually is.
-Catherine Pulsifer
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash
Life is short. Who do you want to be? How do you want to live? Once you decide, take action to be that person.
The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
Photo by Amanda Jones on Unsplash
Rather than sit idly by in fear, find your passion and strive for it.
I would rather die of passion than of boredom.
— Vincent van Gogh
Photo by Randalyn Hill on Unsplash
Jealousy is a dangerous trait. According to Wikipedia, jealousy is resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another’s success or advantage itself. Why are we jealous of others instead of being happy for that person’s success and happiness? Although I think we all feel a little jealousy at times, that jealousy needs to be in check. When you were younger maybe somebody got an A on the test and you didn’t. Maybe somebody got a car when they were 16 and you didn’t. Maybe someone got to take a fabulous vacation and you didn’t. Yes, we all experience a little bit of jealousy but usually, it passes or we use it to better ourselves through competition. We study harder to get an A. We work harder to get the car or take a vacation. The problem occurs when that jealousy takes a hold of your life and you can’t be happy with anything that you have and you feel hatred towards people who have worked hard to get what they have.
Jealousy though can destroy relationships. Jealousy can destroy someone’s own self-worth. It can lead to self-doubt and negative talk. None of this is healthy.
It is so hard. I think we are taught at a young age to compare ourselves to others. And if we don’t have what others have then we feel bad about ourselves. Why do we do this?? Does anyone really care what kind of car I drive? And if so, why? It’s a car.
I started reading a book called “Compete Every Day” by Jake Thompson. He states, “We have control of only three things in life: our effort, our attitude, and our emotions.” He goes on to say that it is unsustainable to constantly compare yourself to others. You cannot control them. Comparison is a never-ending rat race. This type of mindset is exhausting.
We need to learn to compete with ourselves. We need to be better today than we were yesterday. Your greatest competition should be with yourself.
When you compare yourself to others you are measuring your worth against what you perceive others to be. Quit sitting around waiting for things to happen to you and choose to take action. Decide what you want to do and who you want to be.
On page 17 he breaks it down by saying that “the problem with comparison is that there’s always someone doing better than we are and that there’s always someone doing it worse than we are. Instead of celebrating the progress we’ve made, we’re miserable, because we still aren’t to the level of someone else. We blame our lack of success on “big risks, lack of experience, bad bosses, snooze alarms, and crazy exes” when if you really look on the inside we need to work on “our fears, our doubts, our self-limiting beliefs, our bad habits, and our toxic relationships.”
Instead of competing with others (who you can’t control) compete with yourself. What do you want to do better than you did before? What goals do you want to accomplish? What steps do you need to take to get there?
At the end of each chapter, he has takeaways. I love this one and need to remember it every day.
“No matter what, you always control your attitude, your effort, and your actions. Blaming someone else when you falter with these three is simply an excuse and a lack of personal responsibility. Own what you control, and do your best every day.”
It’s so simple, yet so complicated. We as humans are full of excuses. We want to blame everyone but ourselves. We need to take responsibility for the careers we chose, the choices we’ve made, and the vacations we’ve decided to take.
In another chapter, he talks about forming your team. You want to surround yourself with people who want to grow and succeed and who want YOU to grow and succeed. We need to rid our lives of those toxic people who are filled with negativity. We want relationships that encourage us, challenge us, and remind us of who we say we want to be. We need to set a high standard for ourselves and live up to that standard. Life is hard enough. We don’t need to be in a circle of friends who pull us down. We need to surround ourselves with people who are happy for the successes we have, happy for the vacations we get to take, and happy for the love we’ve found in life. We don’t need people in our circle who are upset that we smile, upset that we get to go somewhere they have never been, or upset because we are happy and successful.
So, try to move past the jealousy. Take responsibility for your actions and your choices. Praise and be happy for those who are successful and compete with yourself to get 1% better every day!
Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Unsplash
I hope you had a great July 4th weekend celebrating our freedoms and independence. Don’t take them for granted. All of the soldiers and their sacrifices who fought for our freedom should not go unnoticed. We live in the best country in the world. We need to celebrate that and not take it for granted.
The preservation of freedom is not the task of soldiers alone. The whole nation has to be strong.
– Lal Bahadur Shastri