Timing

I had the pleasure of spending a beautiful fall day with my mother a couple of weeks ago. We went to Buffalo to our favorite jewelry store. The owner, Gary Grelick, played basketball for my Grandpa and has been a family friend for as long as I can remember. My grandfather loved investing in jewelry for my grandmother and used Bomi Jewelers for all his jewelry needs. Gram didn’t have an engagement ring so I believe my grandfather tried to make up for it later in her life. I guess it’s all about the timing.

Gary has made beautiful and unique pieces for our family over the years. I remember as a child going to the store and just loved being around all those gems. I was in awe looking through all the amazing jewelry cases. No wonder I love diamonds so much 🙂 (plus they happen to be my birthstone!).

This time my mother and I took a road trip up to New York. Mom decided this summer to take off her wedding band and engagement ring. It has been nine years since my dad passed and this summer she decided the timing was right. She wanted Gary to make her something special to wear in place of her band. After a couple of hours of deliberating and trying different pieces, mom decided on a beautiful piece that will incorporate all of our family’s birthstones as well as her engagement ring. It is going to be absolutely gorgeous. I cannot wait for her to get it!

After our trip to the jewelry store, we went to Niagara Falls. We had lunch in our car, went to the Casino for about an hour, and walked around the park. I did win $11. It was a perfect autumn afternoon. Then it was time to leave. I left my mom with her cousins for a fun-filled fall weekend in upstate New York, and I got into my car to head home to PA.

On my way home, I started thinking about my parents and the timing of it all. They knew each other in high school and started dating in their 20’s. They then married and had my sister and me. Their marriage was not perfect, they had many trials and tribulations, but they were making it, and they loved each other.

At age 51, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Lung cancer. Stage 3. It was wrapped around his pulmonary artery, and they were not going to operate. He went through months of radiation and chemo and things were looking stable. He ended up fighting lung cancer on and off for the next nine years. At age 60, the fight was too much, his time on Earth was over, and God took him to Heaven to do other work.

The reason I am telling you all of this is because when he was fighting I was in my late 20’s and early 30’s. I knew he wasn’t “old” but he was my Dad. I guess I never really thought about his AGE or the timing of it. On that car ride home, I thought back to when his battle began, and I realized my husband is the same age as my dad was when his battle began. It has put into perspective how YOUNG my dad was when this all started. And it put into perspective how YOUNG my mom was when he passed and how young she still is.

It has been nine years. I am not sure if my mom has thought about dating. If my mom would have started seeing someone right after my dad passed, maybe I would have been hurt or upset. But now it’s been nine years. I know she loved my dad, and they had a great life together. But now I am wondering when is the time right to move on?

I know it’s different for everyone. Some people move from one relationship to another right after a partner’s death, a divorce, or a break-up. Some people take years to find someone they want to spend time with again. We are all unique. We all deal with death, divorce, and break-ups differently. There is no book to follow and no timeline to adhere to.

It is very difficult to be the person on the outside. Sometimes you want your friend or loved to move on. You want them to “just get over it”. Or sometimes we think “how can they start dating again ALREADY?”. It’s way too soon. The timing is different for everyone in every situation. We can’t judge. We need to be supportive and encouraging. We need to remember we aren’t in the same situation. We don’t know what we would do.

I really would like my mom to find someone to spend the rest of her years with. Now whether she wants someone or not, I don’t know. She has her grandchildren, her family, and her friends. But I pray that God will put someone in her life to travel with, to explore the world with, to experience the grandchildren with. I hope that maybe the timing is right. Maybe taking her ring off is the first step in putting herself out there and being open to the idea of sharing her life with someone.

As I drove home I thought of my family and the losses we have endured. I remember one Christmas we were driving around town looking at the Christmas lights. At that point, everyone in the car was “single”. My brother-in-law just lost my sister, Gram had lost Gramps, and Mom had lost Dad. I was the only one in the car who had decided to divorce my ex-husband and who was dating My Prince 10 years later. All of the others did not choose the path they were on. And it still breaks my heart that they have lost their loves and that half of my family is gone.

So the question remains, when is the time right to move on? One week, one month, one year, five years, 10 years? There is so much to process when you lose someone close to you. Of course, I believe finding the right therapist and talking it out can really help. I also think surrounding yourself with positive, happy people helps. As hard as it is to accept, the loved one isn’t coming back.

So, the question becomes when is the timing right? What do I want? Do I want to do life by myself with friends and family? Do I want a partner to go to dinner with and share the day’s events with before bedtime? Of course, it is an individual decision and finding the right partner to spend time with isn’t always easy.

But remember, life is short. Whatever path you choose, make it a happy one, and count the blessings you do have. Enjoy the time you have left on Earth doing what you love, doing what inspires you, and doing things to inspire others.