caregiving Archives - Inspired & Strong | Making the Best of Every Day with Stacy

Six Years Ago

May 7, 2024 No Comments

May 7. On this day six years ago I lost my best friend, my sister. How is it six years? I miss her so much and think about her every day. Sometimes I will make a face in the mirror and think wow I look like my sister. And it makes me sad that she is gone but it makes me smile that maybe that is her way of saying I am right here with you. And that gives me comfort. I still need to be more conscious of the Signs from Heaven.

It’s amazing how time goes by so fast. I started this blog on her birthday almost four years ago. It was to help me with my grief journey as well as talk about my amazing Adventures with Gram who I also miss more every day. I wanted to write in a way that would honor the memory of my sister. And I hoped that my posts would help others. I hoped my writings would inspire others and help them to become stronger on their journey.

If you knew my sister then you know how amazing she was. You know how big her heart was. You know she would do anything for her family, friends, or anyone who asked. She was the sweetest soul.

Growing up we would play school together. I would be the teacher and make her the student. I am not sure she liked playing school but it was fun for me. We loved music, and we made a tape of us singing some of our favorite songs. I wish we could find that thing. I think there is still an audiocassette player in the basement that I could play it on. Anyone who knows me knows I CANNOT sing. She may have been a little better than me but… needless to say, we sang and we loved it! We thought we were so good! We loved listening to music and would record songs off of the radio station. It made us so mad when they would talk over the music. I guess that is what we get for trying to get the songs without buying the actual tape or record. We did everything together.

I was the oldest so I paved the way for her when we became teenagers. I was the one who stayed out too late and tried to push the limits as far as I could. My mother hated liars, and I was terrible at it. Every time I tried to lie I would end up messing it up and getting myself caught. It ended up being better just to tell my mom the truth. It saved us both some heartache. My dad was pretty easygoing so when he was upset, I knew I was in trouble.

But I got in trouble and my sister could do no wrong. I guess the little ones just learn by watching and figuring out what NOT to do, and they stay out of trouble. Or they learn how to get away with things! Little sneaks. I mean look how cute she was. They couldn’t get upset with her. I suppose I never learned my lesson because sometimes I still feel like the little kid who pisses off my mom.

My sister was an amazing person, sister, friend, daughter, and mother. She was ALWAYS there for me. I could call her with the littlest problem and she would offer her advice and help me out. I have never been good at decisions. I always say yes then after thinking about it I want to change my mind. I think I know in my mind what the right decision is but I always need someone else to give me the green light and agree with me. She was the one who could help me see the pros and cons of each decision. She just knew what to say and knew what I needed to hear. God, I wish she was still here to help me.

If you knew my sister you know how great of a soul she was. You probably have been missing her for six years as well. Sometimes I wonder how different life would be if she were still here. But I realize these are the things I cannot change. These are the things we must live with and carry on with. We will never forget her; some days may be sadder than others, but we need to live our best life in her honor.

We need to realize that we can only control our reactions to events in our lives. I know as much as I miss her, I need to focus on the positives. I need to be happy that I am still alive and that I have a wonderful life to live. I realize this life is short, and I can’t waste time being upset with others because they didn’t behave in the way I wanted them to. I need to accept others for who they are. I need to surround myself with people who lift me up. I can’t let little things bother me. I cannot be the judge of others. Everyone is living their best life. Everyone is on their own journey reacting to their circumstances. Some may do it more beautifully than others. We can’t be jealous of others, and we can’t put others down. Maybe we want something others have and if we do then let’s work hard and achieve that goal. But let’s not be upset with that person for something they have that we don’t.

My sister lived her life as a wonderful example of how to live for her short 38 years. And she lived that life to the fullest. She focused on her goals and her family, and if negative people showed up, she let them go. I think we can all learn a little bit from her wonderful spirit. Missing you little one.

In Adventures with Gram

Ups And Downs

February 24, 2024 No Comments

Hi Gram,

Three years ago today, we said goodbye. So many ups and downs since then. Where has the time gone? It seems like just yesterday I was driving you and Gramps home from Virginia after his month-long stay in the hospital. We lost him just a week later on February 4th. I can’t believe that was eight years ago. I miss his big belly laugh so much. He was so full of life. I wish there was a way to know him as I did as my Grandpa but also if I could go back in time and know him as a young adult. I think he would have been a very interesting young man to know as My Prince and I hear many, many stories of “Coach” from his former players and friends.

After Gramps passed away, we had a lot of fun didn’t we, Sweet Gram? I miss our times together. Even though we had many ups and downs, overall I had the best time living with you and taking care of you. I can’t believe it has been three years since we lost you. I think about all of our adventures often, and we talk about them all the time with others who remember you and others who never had the chance to meet you.

My first summer back in my hometown we did a few updates to your house including a new roof, new floors, new carpet, and some outside landscaping. We made several fires as we always needed to take the chill off. We napped during the day anytime we wanted to. We drove to softball games so you could see me help coach my alma mater’s team. We also found as many ice cream joints as we could. We zipped around in my little EOS convertible without a care in the world. (I am sure you know I am now on my fourth EOS 🙂 It’s blue and beautiful.)

We had so much fun driving up and down the East Coast visiting the family in Virginia and your condo in Fort Myers. Those first two years we were together were full of so many ups and downs. We learned that my sister had the dreaded C word. Then a few months later, while we were in Fort Myers, we met the man who would become my forever Valentine. You liked him so much and he must have liked us, too. As you can see lots of ups and downs.

The next year we lost the sweetest, kindest soul, my sister. It was a shock that her battle with cancer only lasted 18 months. I couldn’t believe she was gone. It was one of the hardest times in my life. I was blessed to have you, my friends, and My Prince to support me through the grief.

Later that year, we moved to Florida to be with My Rock. We continued driving up and down the East Coast but now we were a trio. The next year your health declined a bit but My Heart and I got engaged and married. More ups and downs for sure.

We continued our adventures together. We watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. We sat by the pool and took you on the boat. We visited friends and family. We even took you hiking and out to the mountains of Colorado. Sometimes you didn’t want to go but after some arm twisting you were all smiles and at the end of the night you thanked us for such a good time.

Gram, life is so full of ups and downs. I guess we need the downs to appreciate the ups. I don’t know. I loved all of our ups and downs together and miss you like crazy. I know when the rest of us get to Heaven it will seem like no time has passed. Until then those of us down here will keep having our ups and downs on this journey we call life.

In Adventures with Gram

99 Years

September 13, 2023 1 Comment

Today would have been 99 years for Gram. Wow. What an amazing life. Even though she only made it to 96 1/2 she showed people what it meant to be alive. I miss her so much and wish I could kiss her sweet little face and help her celebrate her day.

99 years. Can you even imagine? I remember when I was a little kid looking up at my parents and thinking they were so old. I calculate the ages they were then and now I am older than they were! Oh, how times have changed because clearly, 47 is not so old anymore!

As I sit here and contemplate all the losses I’ve had over the past 11 years, I think what a difference in ages of all my people’s deaths. Dad was 60. My uncle was 61. My grandpa thrived until 90. My sister was just getting started at 38. And Gram was called up at 96. Why do the numbers make us feel that some people missed out while others lived a full life? Does it make it better that they are older when they go? And why? Is it true that my grandparents lived a full life while my sister and my dad missed out? Just because they only lived to be 38 and 60 does it mean they were incomplete? Or did they find love and happiness and did they pass onto the next adventure complete and full?

I don’t know the answers. I know how I feel and I know what the Medium told me when I connected with them. I feel like the older we are the more we get to see, the more we get to experience, and the more we get to do. But what if you find happiness at a young age? Or what if you never explore anything at all? Is your life still complete because that’s the way you wanted to live it? Why do we feel bad for those who had to leave this world at a young age? Why do we feel bad when anyone has to leave this world at all? If we believe there is something more then we truly should be celebrating that those souls are in the most peaceful and magical place. So why does it hurt so bad? And why does our grief overwhelm us at times? I think we are really sad for ourselves because we feel incomplete without our people, and we can’t get past the fact that they are okay without us.

All I know is that I miss my people and sometimes it hits harder than on other days. I need to do a better job of recognizing the signs from Heaven that they send me. I know when we meet again it will be amazing and even though sometimes I feel sorry for myself because they are not here, I know I need to celebrate that they are in a better place.

So here’s to you, Gram, we wish you a happy birthday and hope you have a wonderful time celebrating your 99 years up there with the family. We miss you all terribly and can’t wait until we can all celebrate together again. Until then we will toast you and look for those signs. Have the happiest of birthdays, sweet gram!

In Family

Three Years

August 17, 2023 No Comments

Last week I wrote a post wishing my sister a Happy Heavenly Birthday which also was Why I Launched on August 8 three years ago. Therefore, my blog is now three years old! Happy Birthday to me! We have made some changes over the years as I started with Daily Inspirations five times a week, Weekly Wednesday Workouts, and Friday Fixins. Those posts are still there and there are plenty of workouts to get you started on your fitness journey as well as recipes to help you eat better and feel better!

After about a year of blogging and after Gram passed away, our lives got a little busier. I wasn’t home taking care of her, and I was going on more adventures with my Prince. I continued to try to get posts out every week. I started doing posts on Tuesdays about Family, my Adventures with Gram, our Travels, and being a Pilot’s Wife. I also started doing Weekly Wednesday Words just once a week instead of daily.

This third year has been filled with even more adventures and the blog has been less consistent. I know I should be capturing our adventures but sometimes it’s so hard to find the time to write! Thank you for continuing to follow me.

As you know I had a meeting with the Medium. He told me I needed to start writing and working on a book. I hate to not do my blog because I love writing these posts for you. But I also would like to write a book, too. Therefore, the posts may be even more inconsistent. Thank you to those who already have but, I suggest subscribing to the blog by going to the main page here and scrolling down about halfway. Look at the right side and you will see where you can put in your name and email and Subscribe! That way you won’t miss the posts whenever they come out!

I wish you the best of the rest of your summer and those who have started school already, I wish you a happy, healthy school year!

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

In Family

Happy Birthday Little One!

August 8, 2023 No Comments

Today is my little sister’s birthday. She would have been 44 years old. Happy heavenly birthday, little one. It’s hard to believe that it’s been five years, and we haven’t been able to celebrate your birthday together. I know you are here with us everyday (and my session with Medium helped me realize that even more), but it still hurts that I can’t call you up on the phone and hear your voice.

This is a hard day for everyone that knew you, but I know we should celebrate the years we had with you. We need to look back on the memories and cherish all the laughs that we shared. You brightened up a room and our hearts every day.

I know this will be a hard day for my mom. I hope she has a good cry and then goes out doing something she loves to celebrate her giving birth day. She misses you so much. Maybe you can send her an extra sign from Heaven today to let her know how magical it is up there and that you are okay.

Birthdays can be exciting, but they also can be hard. As a little kid you can’t wait to get older! Then as an adult you keep wishing you were younger. (Or at least feel younger!) I feel like sometimes people are reluctant to tell you how old they are especially as that number gets higher. Why? Why should we be embarrassed as to how old we are? Why should we be reluctant to say a number of how many times we’ve been around the sun? My message to you is be loud and be proud of that number because there are some people who never get to celebrate that day.

My dear sister, we love you more than you will know and miss you twice as much. Life on Earth is hard without you but as you know we can’t quit living because of you dying. We know you’d love to be here with us but your calling came early and you were needed in Heaven. I know the best way to honor you is to live our lives with happiness, with grace, and with kindness. The best way to honor you is to let our hearts shine as yours did.

Love and miss you, little one, happy birthday!

In Family

Memorial Scholarship Award

June 20, 2023 No Comments

If you have been reading my blog you know that my sister passed away a little over five years ago. We all still miss her everyday. I wanted to create a way that her memory would live on but I wasn’t sure what to do. Last year, my husband and I decided to create a memorial scholarship at our hometown high school.

We created a scholarship in which we wanted female high school seniors who displayed the characteristics of my sister to apply. We asked for candidates that had good grades and attendance, who were involved in sports and/or activities, and who were pursuing further education. We also created an essay question they needed to answer. Each year we will change the essay question. We also established a committee to review the applicants and their essays. The committee is made of five people who knew and loved my sister. We also are blessed with three people at the high school who also knew my sister and who are helping us to spread the word about this scholarship and what it means.

We have been honored to receive the applications over the past two years. The girls who have applied for this scholarship have written some pretty amazing essays. Even though they didn’t personally know my sister I feel they understand who she was. The two winners have expressed what an honor it was to receive the award. We wish them the best of luck in their future endeavors.

Time is moving on and my sister’s children are growing up fast! I hope to share this scholarship award with them and each winner’s essay. I hope they enjoy knowing a little bit more about their mom and the wonderful, small town where she grew up.

If you’d like to read more about my sister and the scholarship winners please visit this website we also created to honor her.

In Family

Mothers and Movies

May 16, 2023 1 Comment

I hope you all had a wonderful Mother’s Day this past weekend. It was a time to remember and honor your mother as well as be honored yourself and celebrate all the different types of mothers in your life. I hope you had some time to reflect and celebrate those that mean so much to you. But even if your Mother’s Day didn’t end up being picture-perfect like in the movies, I hope you found a ray of sunshine in your weekend.

This past weekend I was alone. As you know, I am a Pilot’s Wife, and my hubby is on a very LONG trip. I spent much of my time binge-watching the show “Firefly Lane” on Netflix. It’s based on a book by Kristin Hannah. If you’ve read the book then you know the plot and the outcome. If you haven’t watched the series, I highly recommend it. I thought it was fantastic. I cried my eyes out and was pretty emotional for a few days, but I thought it was really well done.

I don’t want to spoil it for you, but I am going to if you keep reading. The book is about two best friends who go through 30 years of friendship together. They go through all of the ups and downs of middle school, high school, college, first jobs, boyfriends, break-ups, marriages, divorces, kids, work, etc. They go through it all yet their friendship remains the rock they both need until the end when one passes away.

This movie brought up so many thoughts in my head. It showed the two girls’ relationship with their mothers. It made me think about mine. It made me think how you see these relationships on television but it’s just not the same in real life. My sister and I were always close to my mom but we were also teenage girls. Seeing this show made me realize how difficult mother-daughter relationships are. There is so much emotion and expectation on both sides. We say things we don’t mean. We don’t understand each other. We are too much alike but we can’t see it, and we battle each other instead of truly trying to understand each other.

I couldn’t help but think about all of my girlfriends, and how lucky I am to have such special memories with each and every one of them. But it especially made me think of my best friend. She has been there with me through thick and thin since I was in seventh grade. Even though we haven’t lived in the same town since 1994 we have managed to stay close. We may not get there for all of the big things but we are there for each other. She gets me and I feel like she may know me better than I know myself. Last fall, I was blessed to be in the same city as her for a month. It was a month of reminiscing about old times and creating new memories. The month was absolutely amazing. I felt like we should have been in the movies because we danced and sang just like the Firefly Lane girls (but to Taylor Swift instead of Abba).

In the series, one of the friends gets an aggressive cancer. It hit too close to home and of course, made me think of my sister. I know it’s a show but it made me wonder what I could have done differently in real life. What could I have said differently? Could I have squeezed her more times more often? Could I have moved in with her or at least moved back to the same city? I wondered why I didn’t write her a letter or take her on a trip. It made me feel like I wasn’t there, and it crushed me. It made me want to go back in time and spend the night at her house. It made me want to go for a walk with her and sit on the back deck and take it all in. Why can’t we do that??

Therefore, the movie wasn’t really great for my emotional well-being, especially with my husband being gone. But I need to remember that it was just that, a movie and a book. The lines are already made up. Everyone knows what to say in difficult times. Everyone knows what to do and it all works out in the end because that’s how movies and books are made.

So I am sad and I miss her and I wish she was here to celebrate Mother’s Day and to help me support our mother. But she’s not and all I can do is cry when I need to cry. All I can do is look at her pictures and tell her I love her. All I can do is remember that through my session with the Medium, she has no regrets, and she is happy in the spiritual world. And she will be there waiting when I get there. Then we will dance and laugh and all the memories will come flying back to me. And I will know exactly what to say just like in the movies.

Until then little sis, please send Signs from Heaven, I could use a few right now. Please know that I love you and will do my best to be the best Aunt Stacy to your little ones that I can be.

In Family

My Grandfather

February 7, 2023 No Comments

This past Saturday marked seven years since my grandfather took his last breath. My mom, gram, and I were there by his side. He had been on the decline for a while but it really showed the last month of his life and that last week. He couldn’t eat or drink. He quit talking, and anyone who knows him knows that he was a talker! We asked the priest from our hometown to come to deliver the anointing of the sick per our Catholic traditions. Even though she couldn’t be there in person, my sister was able to participate by phone. It seemed the end was near.

I couldn’t believe we were going to lose him. He had just turned 90 and seemed so full of life. He loved spending Christmas with all of us in Virginia, and he loved going to Fort Myers afterward. Many of my favorite memories with them are driving them to and from Florida. Gram would be in the passenger seat with the Atlas on her lap and my grandfather in the backseat snoring.

He loved going to the condo in Fort Myers. He loved sitting out on the lanai eating breakfast and reading his newspaper. Their best friends lived in the condo across the street. Both couples were getting older and traveling was getting harder. My grandfather also loved calling people on his cell phone. He was always so loud. He would usually start every conversation with some kind of joke and then just start laughing hysterically. He loved to laugh. He also loved to eat which is why he had congestive heart failure and diabetes which ultimately led to his end.

I came home from Thailand on December 18, 2015. I wanted to see my newborn nephew as well as spend time with my grandparents that Christmas. We had a great few weeks together, making pierogies and getting ready for Christmas. The day after Christmas I was supposed to drive my grandparents to Fort Myers for the winter. But Christmas evening my grandfather didn’t look well, and my sister suggested he go to the emergency room. This was not good. I was supposed to leave on New Year’s Eve to head back to my teaching position. Those first few days I was so torn and it didn’t appear that Gramps was getting out of the hospital any time soon. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but after some discussion, I decided I had done enough traveling for the time being and would stay home and see where the journey led.

After a month in the hospital, visits from family, and time in rehab, Gram and I took my grandfather home to Pennsylvania in Hospice care. He wanted more than anything to go to Fort Myers, but I just couldn’t fathom driving with him for 16 hours by myself. He couldn’t even hold himself up let alone walk into rest areas or restaurants. How could I get him there and then get him into the condo? Against his wishes, we decided to take him seven hours home to PA. My cousin had to help me get him into the house. Boy, was that a fiasco! Thanks, cuz! But we got him in. Hospice came that afternoon, and they told us he would be ok. But a few days later, it seemed the end was inevitable.

I can’t believe it’s been seven years. How has so much time passed already? My grandfather was right there by my side for the first 40 years of my life. I am beyond blessed that during my childhood he and Gram lived two blocks from us. My grandfather would take my sister and me everywhere. My parents both worked as did Gramps but he was the one who had the flexibility in his schedule to pick us up from school. Once he scooped us, he would take us up to the gym, and we would mess around in the weight room or watch as his players practiced as he was the basketball coach at Alliance College. When it was nice out we would go on the field and throw the softball around. He was all about sports, and he didn’t care that we were girls. He was going to turn us into the best athletes possible.

He wasn’t always the gentle teddy bear, especially when it came to athletics. He would push us and demand we do better. He would even swear under his breath when we got it wrong or messed around. And as much pressure, as you may think that put on us, I wouldn’t have traded it for the world. He was the guy you didn’t want to disappoint. He was the guy you wanted to prove yourself to. He was the guy who would eventually tell you how proud he was of you.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t think about my grandfather a lot. I am not sure why. Maybe because I feel guilty for not taking him to Fort Myers. Maybe because I remember so many good times with him that it hurts to think about them. Maybe because I started caregiving for Sweet Gram right away and need to be strong for her. I don’t know. Or maybe he is just always right there that I don’t have to consciously think about him.

But always, I will cherish the memories of you, Gramps. I will look for all the signs from heaven that you are here and around me every day. I will celebrate the wonderful life you lived, and I will thank God this life had you for 90 wonderful years. Miss you much!

In Family

Communication

September 6, 2022 No Comments

Why is communication so hard? Telling someone what’s on your mind shouldn’t be that difficult. But somehow it is. Finding the right words is hard. But why? Isn’t it better than assuming what’s on someone’s mind and then realizing that’s not what they were thinking at all? Yet, we do it time and time again.

We hold our feelings inside. We are afraid of other people’s reactions. We are afraid if we speak the truth then they will be upset with us. But don’t we find when we do speak the truth the outcome is usually much more pleasant?

A lot of miscommunication starts with text messages. We don’t talk on the phone like we used to so people cannot read the inflection in other’s voices. We don’t spend as much time face-to-face, therefore, words are misread and feelings tend to get hurt.

It’s hard because texting is much easier in this busy, busy world. But then we just assume something and feelings get hurt. People don’t ask each other what’s going on and then time passes away and friendships get lost.

I am guilty of doing it myself. Rarely does something upset me but when it does, then I tend to hold onto it for a long time. I think because it takes a lot to hurt or offend me that when someone does, especially on purpose, it makes my blood boil. And it makes it hard for me to get over especially if they don’t take the first step in admitting they were wrong.

Many times it’s easier to let relationships go instead of putting in the work. I think that depends on what kind of relationship it is. If it’s a healthy friendship then yes, take a deep breath, suck it up and make the phone call. If it’s a toxic relationship then maybe it’s better to go your separate ways. Either way, evaluate, think about it, and decide what that relationship is worth to you.

In the end, communication is key in all relationships whether it’s in marriage, friendships, family, or another type of relationship. Telling someone you like their outfit, their hair, that you love them, or even just please and thank you can mean so much. So don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind. Speak loud and speak strong.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

In Adventures with Gram

Letter to Gram IV (The End)

August 30, 2022 No Comments

Here is the End of my letter to Gram. If you missed it, start from the beginning with Letter to Gram then Part II Change, and Part III Frustration. We felt we couldn’t take good care of Gram anymore so we made the difficult decision of putting her in a memory care unit.

Dear Gram,

They told us not to come back for two weeks. I am not sure that was the best thing for you but we followed directions. When I came back you were very upset with me for putting you into the home. It was the only time in my life where I have seen you that upset and that mean. You were so upset. It was a sight I never wanted to see again. Of course, it made me doubt everything we were doing.

I didn’t want to put you into a home. I wanted to keep you with us. I wanted to keep taking you on new adventures, and I wanted you to live to be 100 years old! I thought if anyone could make it, you could.

You were in the home for about three months. Sometimes you seemed really happy there and others you were sad and wanted to come home. They told us they usually had a lot of activities with music and socializing but because of Covid-19 they couldn’t do it. I don’t know if these activities would have helped you. I don’t know if you would have participated or not. You only told us that everyone in there was old and all they did was sleep! Pretty funny coming from a 96-year-old who enjoyed napping as well. But you were used to being with people half your age so I understood where you were coming from.

In January, Jeff and I went skiing. Within our travels, we ended up getting Covid. We didn’t want to spread it through the senior living center so it was another 10 days before I could see you. I came back the day you got your second Covid vaccine. You took it like a champ, and we spent a few hours enjoying the sunshine on the back patio. I shared pictures of our ski trip and you told me how much you missed the snow. Then you told me to go home.

That evening we were out to eat when we got another dreaded phone call. You had fallen and hit your head. We raced to the hospital to be with you. Because of Covid, I was the only one allowed to go back into the room with you. I was seriously disappointed in the senior living center. They called me and said they were taking you to the ER. When I got there no one was with you. They just handed the ER nurse some paperwork and let you go. You had dementia. Yes, you would know your name and your date of birth but you couldn’t tell them what happened. You didn’t know. You barely remembered that you fell when I got there. I am so grateful that I was in town so that I could come to be with you. It astonishes me the way these facilities treat people and just send them to the hospital alone.

You were so scared and blood was all in your hair. After several x-rays and scans, the doctor told me your head was alright but you broke your right hip again. And since you already had it replaced once there was nothing they could do but give you pain meds and send you back home.

I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to take you home so bad and I think that is part of my regret and guilt. I think that is why I am having such a hard time letting you go. I knew the only chance of you getting better was if I took you home and nursed you back to health. And I was so torn. Did you want to stay on Earth with us? Or were you tired of getting drug around from place to place? I was scared also that I would be back to 24-hour care. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to help you. How much could I take on? How much could you take of trying to rehab your hip again? Would you survive it? We decided to take you back to the senior living center.

We met you back at the senior living place. We told all of the staff that your hip was broken and to please tell the next shift. We gave them the order for pain meds. It was the middle of the night so I was not hopeful that any of this would happen.

I came the next morning and again told the staff about your hip. The meds hadn’t been ordered yet. We did get you up and in your wheelchair. Your leg was swollen you were in a lot of pain. I am sorry if we did too much too soon. The doctor did not give us any instructions. He just said it would be painful but to try to make you move. I didn’t want you to just lay there but I don’t know how much we should have moved you either. I was at a loss.

The new head nurse at the facility was not a nice person, and she was not happy that you were back in their care. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I was afraid you were going to get kicked out. And maybe that would have been the best thing to happen. The next two weeks were awful. You were in so much pain. The staff was mishandling you, and I felt helpless. Hope Hospice was wonderful. They came and took care of you and tried the best they could to keep you comfortable. You just wanted to go home. And I am truly sorry that I didn’t bust you out and bring you home sooner. Two weeks later, you were gone.

The day before you passed I made arrangements to bring you home. I couldn’t take you being in that home anymore. And I felt so guilty for not taking you home right away. You weren’t eating, you were fading away. You were barely talking. You said they were mishandling you. You were pissed at me. I knew I had to do something. Hospice again was wonderful and made arrangements for a hospital bed in the home. You would be there the next day. I had it set up so you could look outside and see the pool. I was so glad you were coming home. We came back and visited you again that evening.

But we were too late. At 4:30 am on February 24, 2021, I got the phone call. You were gone. My heart was broken. I know they say people go when they want to go. Maybe you didn’t want to burden me to care for you 24/7 again. Maybe you didn’t want to put me through the pain of watching another family member enter Heaven from home. Maybe you would have made it if I would have done it a day, two days, or a week earlier. I don’t know the answers to these questions. I just know from my own guilt that I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to be there to hold your hand when you took your last breath. I wanted you to be in your favorite spot right by the pool one more time. I wanted Kuma, the crazy cat, to be snuggled beside you, too. But these are my wants and my guilts and honestly, I don’t know how to get over them. I am so so sorry that I wasn’t there for you in those final moments like you were always there for me. Please forgive me.

So, there you have it, my letter to Gram. All of my guilts and thoughts and failures. And there are so many who have told me that I gave her five wonderful years that she wouldn’t have had without me and in my head, I know she was tired of fighting and being dragged around by us and just wanted to be with her “daddy” (as she called Gramps) in Heaven, but my heart hurts so bad sometimes I can’t take it. I just miss her so much. I miss her cute smile, her laugh, and her positive attitude.

And in my head, I know that bringing her home earlier may not have made any difference. Not putting her into Senior Care may not have made a difference or may have had a more terrible outcome. I guess all I can say is that I am sorry that I disappointed you, Gram. I love you with all my heart and miss you terribly. Please forgive me.

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Letter to Gram

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