cancer sucks Archives - Page 5 of 5 - Inspired & Strong | Making the Best of Every Day with Stacy

The Dreaded “C” Word

January 19, 2021 6 Comments

I don’t remember where I was when my sister told me she had cancer. She was 37 years old. She felt a cyst. The doctors removed it and that’s when they discovered it was malignant. We were all in shock. We couldn’t believe this was happening. Our family went through a nine-year battle with lung cancer with my dad from 2003-2012. We couldn’t believe it was happening again.

The doctors could not find the primary source of my sister’s cancer, yet they wanted to treat it aggressively. She started treatment at the beginning of 2017. She had two major surgeries that spring. One which was over 20 hours. But she was so strong she pulled through and went home just a few days later even though we almost lost her on the table.

I couldn’t believe how strong she was as she battled cancer and went through treatment. She would have surgery and be home in the next few days taking care of her kids, working as a nurse, and being a great wife.

We all thought and prayed that she would kick cancer’s ass. She fought so hard but it seemed the more surgery they did, the more aggressive it became. In the end, she was hospitalized and became jaundice. She came home, and we tried to get her hospice care. She was coherent, loving, and talked about continuing the fight but she was very weak and her body was ravaged. I thought for sure she would get stronger. We talked about future plans and possible treatment options.

Although at times I regret I didn’t pack up Gram and leave PA sooner, I was glad we got to spend her last six days with her. My boyfriend (who later became my husband), and I tried to distract the kids from her failing health by taking them to the park. We continued to try to make life as normal as possible, but they knew something was terribly wrong.

Less than a week after she came home from the hospital, we lost her. We were all there by her side as she took her last breath. Her son was only two and a half so he didn’t really understand. Her daughter who was five was crushed as we all were. It was the most difficult thing I have had to watch. Even though we were there when my dad and my grandfather went, seeing such a terrible disease take such a young life was devasting.

Looking back I wonder if I could have or should have done something different. With my dad, I had nine years to process it. I came home as often as I could from Virginia to spend time with him. I went to Virginia as often as I could from Pennsylvania to see my sister, but looking back I wish I would have gone more. I just thought I would have more time. I never thought she would be gone in just 18 short months.

My advice to you is to take the time to do the things that are important to you. Don’t miss visiting family or friends because you are too busy or you are holding a grudge for some reason. Make the time. Seize the moment and enjoy it. You never know when that moment to see them will be gone.

In Family

Dad

November 3, 2020 3 Comments

My dad…Just saying those two words bring tears to my eyes. His 69^th birthday would have been October 17. As you read in “About Me“, he’s been gone for over eight years now. Most days, I smile when I think of him. I know he’s looking down on me, happy for me, and even proud of me.

But then there are days, where out of nowhere, it hits you like a ton of bricks. It takes your breath away. And some days you have tears rolling down your face, and you can’t stop. You want him back. You want a hug, a smile, a laugh, or to smell the coffee on his breath when he kisses your cheek.

When you lose a loved one, it leaves such a huge hole in your heart. I haven’t cried over losing my dad in a long time, but for some reason these past few days, I can’t stop. I have tried to figure out why. Maybe it was his birthday. Maybe it was missing being a little kid on Halloween and going trick-or-treating around our town. Maybe it was because he used to rake huge piles of leaves for us to jump in around this time. It doesn’t really matter why because it can sneak up on you out of nowhere.

Jeff was away at work so it was just me in the Kitchen with Gram working on dinner. We always have music on through our Sonos system, which we love! My dad loved music, too. I remember one Christmas my mom bought him a Bose stereo, and he was so excited. Well, actually I think he knew he was getting it, and maybe my sister and I were more excited than he was! I wish I had a picture of it. He was so happy and cute. (Of course, I HAVE a picture of it in a photo album in Pennsylvania 🙁 which does me absolutely no good right now). Anyway, we couldn’t believe he finally got a Bose! He had wanted one for so long. He always loved music and could tell you the name of the song and the artist of almost any tune. Whenever I listen to Bob FM, I always think of him and the old Bose 🙂

Needless to say, I had country music playing through the speakers and a song came on called”Love ya Son, Go Dawgs“. It’s about a dad calling his son and leaving a voicemail. The son plays the voicemail whenever he wants to hear his dad’s message. It reminded me of a voicemail I have from my dad, although right now, I have no idea where it is, but I know I have a saved voicemail on an old phone somewhere.

Listening to that song makes me miss him so much. It makes me think about all the things he has missed out on since he’s been gone such as meeting his grandchildren and my husband. It also makes me miss all of the future things I won’t get to do with him. I won’t get another voicemail from him. I won’t get to hear his voice telling me to check the oil or telling me the weather is too bad to come home. I won’t hear him saying, “love ya and miss ya, talk to you later” on the other end of the phone, and it hurts so badly.

If you’ve lost a loved one, please remember it’s ok to let it go sometimes. No, you can’t hide away forever and you can’t stop living and enjoying your life. Remember, life is so short, you need to live and be happy.

But don’t be surprised when out of nowhere, grief hits you. I found this blog post about dealing with grief when it sneaks up on you. We are all different, and there is no set timeline and standard or manual. You need to lean on your friends and family. And maybe try to figure out why your body is grieving before your mind even puts it together. I hope this post helps finds you well and offers you some comfort if you are having a hard time right now.

In Family

Why I Launched on August 8

August 11, 2020 No Comments

On August 8^th, when I was three years old, I got the gift of a little sister. I am sure I only picked on her a few times throughout our childhood. Needless to say, although we were a few years apart, we got along very well and became best friends. She went with me wherever I went. Maybe I was made to take her, but I enjoyed every minute with her.

We grew up in a town where many of the kids in my grade had younger siblings in her grade. We grew up in a town where most of the parents were in the same social class and made about the same amount of money. We grew up in a town where there wasn’t a lot of diversity, but no one was cultural bias either. We grew up in a town where kindergarten students rode the bus with seniors in high school and it wasn’t a big deal because everyone had an older cousin to keep an eye on them. We grew up in a town where we walked home safely from school. We grew up in a town where we played outside until dark. We grew up in a town where most parents knew each other and a lot of them even went to school together.

As you read in “How Did I Get Here“, my sister and I grew up close to our grandparents. We took family trips together. We took Catholic school classes together. She was my best friend. I went off to college and even though I was only 30 minutes away, I think she felt left behind.

After college, I moved away. After a few months in California, I ended up in Virginia. I begged her to follow me after she graduated, and three years later, she did. I told her you can always go back but if you don’t take the plunge and move away after college, you may never go.

We played sports together through River City Sports and Social Club and Richmond Volleyball Club. She eventually got a job teaching in the same county where I was working. She coached volleyball, I coached basketball, and we coached JV softball together. She was an inspiration to the girls, and we both had a “work hard, be respectful, make good grades” coaching style. We enjoyed the girls, and I think they enjoyed us.

Our dad was fighting lung cancer at the time and after five years of teaching, she decided she wanted to go back to our hometown in Northwestern Pennsylvania to get her nursing degree. She moved back home and helped with Dad for almost two years. After she finished her nursing degree, she decided to come back to Virginia.

She got a job at one of the local hospitals. It was there where she met her husband, who was a frequent visitor because his mother was there battling Crohn’s Disease. After three years of dating, they got married. My dad made it to her wedding day and had enough strength to walk her down the aisle without his cumbersome oxygen tank. In May 2012, he took his last breath. My mom, sister, and I were there to hold his hand as he rose into the afterlife. Although he didn’t get to see his first grandchild, he knew my sister was pregnant. A few months later, she gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. Three years later, my nephew was born.

In December 2016, we got the most horrifying news. My sister had a cyst. When they removed it, they found out it was malignant. We couldn’t believe it and didn’t want to go through another battle with cancer.

I was so sure she would beat it. Our father fought lung cancer for eight years and even lived another year with a collapsed lung. I had no doubt she would have at least nine more years here on Earth.

But I was wrong. In May 2018, we (my mom, brother-in-law, and myself) surrounded her as she took her last breath at the young age of 38. I am not sure why God took her. It makes me so sad, mad, and upset. I don’t understand his plan. Her body was ravaged by a cancer that could never be pinpointed. It spread like wildfire. It was devastating. I am thankful she is no longer suffering, but I miss my best friend every day. I miss her advice. I miss her kind heart. I miss her smile. I miss her for the children, her husband, and our mother.

I launched on August 8th, my sister’s birthday, in her honor and memory. She will forever live in my heart, giving me strength and inspiring me every time I look at her pictures and those two little children of hers.

cancer sucks

The Dreaded “C” Word

Dad

Why I Launched on August 8

Missing Gram

Letter to Gram