cancer sucks Archives - Page 4 of 4 - Inspired & Strong | Making the Best of Every Day with Stacy

Timing

October 5, 2021 3 Comments

I had the pleasure of spending a beautiful fall day with my mother a couple of weeks ago. We went to Buffalo to our favorite jewelry store. The owner, Gary Grelick, played basketball for my Grandpa and has been a family friend for as long as I can remember. My grandfather loved investing in jewelry for my grandmother and used Bomi Jewelers for all his jewelry needs. Gram didn’t have an engagement ring so I believe my grandfather tried to make up for it later in her life. I guess it’s all about the timing.

Gary has made beautiful and unique pieces for our family over the years. I remember as a child going to the store and just loved being around all those gems. I was in awe looking through all the amazing jewelry cases. No wonder I love diamonds so much 🙂 (plus they happen to be my birthstone!).

This time my mother and I took a road trip up to New York. Mom decided this summer to take off her wedding band and engagement ring. It has been nine years since my dad passed and this summer she decided the timing was right. She wanted Gary to make her something special to wear in place of her band. After a couple of hours of deliberating and trying different pieces, mom decided on a beautiful piece that will incorporate all of our family’s birthstones as well as her engagement ring. It is going to be absolutely gorgeous. I cannot wait for her to get it!

After our trip to the jewelry store, we went to Niagara Falls. We had lunch in our car, went to the Casino for about an hour, and walked around the park. I did win $11. It was a perfect autumn afternoon. Then it was time to leave. I left my mom with her cousins for a fun-filled fall weekend in upstate New York, and I got into my car to head home to PA.

On my way home, I started thinking about my parents and the timing of it all. They knew each other in high school and started dating in their 20’s. They then married and had my sister and me. Their marriage was not perfect, they had many trials and tribulations, but they were making it, and they loved each other.

At age 51, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Lung cancer. Stage 3. It was wrapped around his pulmonary artery, and they were not going to operate. He went through months of radiation and chemo and things were looking stable. He ended up fighting lung cancer on and off for the next nine years. At age 60, the fight was too much, his time on Earth was over, and God took him to Heaven to do other work.

The reason I am telling you all of this is because when he was fighting I was in my late 20’s and early 30’s. I knew he wasn’t “old” but he was my Dad. I guess I never really thought about his AGE or the timing of it. On that car ride home, I thought back to when his battle began, and I realized my husband is the same age as my dad was when his battle began. It has put into perspective how YOUNG my dad was when this all started. And it put into perspective how YOUNG my mom was when he passed and how young she still is.

It has been nine years. I am not sure if my mom has thought about dating. If my mom would have started seeing someone right after my dad passed, maybe I would have been hurt or upset. But now it’s been nine years. I know she loved my dad, and they had a great life together. But now I am wondering when is the time right to move on?

I know it’s different for everyone. Some people move from one relationship to another right after a partner’s death, a divorce, or a break-up. Some people take years to find someone they want to spend time with again. We are all unique. We all deal with death, divorce, and break-ups differently. There is no book to follow and no timeline to adhere to.

It is very difficult to be the person on the outside. Sometimes you want your friend or loved to move on. You want them to “just get over it”. Or sometimes we think “how can they start dating again ALREADY?”. It’s way too soon. The timing is different for everyone in every situation. We can’t judge. We need to be supportive and encouraging. We need to remember we aren’t in the same situation. We don’t know what we would do.

I really would like my mom to find someone to spend the rest of her years with. Now whether she wants someone or not, I don’t know. She has her grandchildren, her family, and her friends. But I pray that God will put someone in her life to travel with, to explore the world with, to experience the grandchildren with. I hope that maybe the timing is right. Maybe taking her ring off is the first step in putting herself out there and being open to the idea of sharing her life with someone.

As I drove home I thought of my family and the losses we have endured. I remember one Christmas we were driving around town looking at the Christmas lights. At that point, everyone in the car was “single”. My brother-in-law just lost my sister, Gram had lost Gramps, and Mom had lost Dad. I was the only one in the car who had decided to divorce my ex-husband and who was dating My Prince 10 years later. All of the others did not choose the path they were on. And it still breaks my heart that they have lost their loves and that half of my family is gone.

So the question remains, when is the time right to move on? One week, one month, one year, five years, 10 years? There is so much to process when you lose someone close to you. Of course, I believe finding the right therapist and talking it out can really help. I also think surrounding yourself with positive, happy people helps. As hard as it is to accept, the loved one isn’t coming back.

So, the question becomes when is the timing right? What do I want? Do I want to do life by myself with friends and family? Do I want a partner to go to dinner with and share the day’s events with before bedtime? Of course, it is an individual decision and finding the right partner to spend time with isn’t always easy.

But remember, life is short. Whatever path you choose, make it a happy one, and count the blessings you do have. Enjoy the time you have left on Earth doing what you love, doing what inspires you, and doing things to inspire others.

In Family

MacAttack

September 7, 2021 1 Comment

Happy Birthday to my niece and my mother-in-law!

Today is my niece’s ninth birthday. I cannot believe she is nine already. Where does the time go? I remember holding her the day she was born. She had the darkest hair but a full head of it! When my sister was born she had a full head of the darkest hair, too! Then she became the blondest of blonds. I couldn’t wait to see what this little one would turn into. And just nine years later, she is a beast on the softball field with the nickname MacAttack.

She is the most beautiful little girl. She has blue-green eyes and light brown hair. Watching her grow up has been one of the best experiences of my life. From taking her first steps to saying her first word to learning the colors of the rainbow to reading her first book and now playing softball. It’s just amazing how quickly these little people grow right up.

I miss holding her and cuddling with her. She thinks she’s all grown up. She doesn’t want to hold my hand anymore out in public and rarely will sit on the couch and snuggle. But I hold on to every moment that she does. And I told her I am squeezing her every chance I get. Of course, I get the pre-teen roll of the eyes.

Because my sister loved Luke Bryan so does my niece. I remember MacAttack singing his songs all the time. She knew every word and knows most of the words to every country song now. I love watching her sing and dance. She has no worries or insecurities. She just does what she enjoys doing unlike the rest of us who worry about what we look like. She and my nephew will sing and dance in the back seat of the car or in the restaurant. Watching them is one of my most favorite things to do.

My sister and I were about three years apart and so are my niece and nephew. Although we had our issues, we got along really well, and I miss her so much every day. I am happy to say that my niece and nephew get along really, really well, too. They love playing with each other and MacAttack loves being the big sister. She is so excited to take him to school this year. She will be in fourth grade and he is starting kindergarten. She is protective of him and doesn’t want him to hurt himself when he does all the boy things he does! Just wait until he starts hitting on all of her girlfriends (which he already does!).

I am so proud to be MacAttack’s aunt. I was so proud of her and the way she would treat Babcia (Gram). MacAttack would take her hand and walk her to the door. I hope she learns to be an independent, happy woman. I hope she always sings and dances whenever she feels like it. I hope she knows there is no limit to what she can do and no boundaries. She can be whatever she wants to be. And I hope she knows her aunt is one of her biggest fans.

In Family

All-Star

August 10, 2021 No Comments

In the spring, my husband and I decided to rent a house in Virginia for six weeks to spend time with my niece and nephew. A few weeks ago, I realized that we would be in town when my niece played in the all-star tournament. Last year, she tried out but didn’t make the team. This year, she worked really hard and was determined to make the all-star team. She went to camps to improve her skills and her hard work paid off. She made the team!

My husband and I went to the first all-star game. It was a beautiful day. A bit warm but that’s the way it is in Virginia in the summer. My brother-in-law was the coach and placed my niece at second base. I, for one, was super excited because I played second base throughout my softball career.

That first inning of the all-star game, I was so nervous. Even though he won’t admit it, I know my brother-in-law was nervous, too. I know he wanted the team and most importantly, my niece to do well. And boy, did she!

There she was my sweet, sweet girl. Her team was in the field first to play defense. The other team hit the ball pretty well and scored a run or two. Then my niece caught a ball at second base to make the first out and then she caught a line drive coming at her to make the third out. She made two of three outs that inning. I almost cried. I was so proud and so happy for her. She had told me the day before she was a little nervous and scared. I was hoping because she made those great plays, it gave her some confidence. I couldn’t have asked for more!

Then it was our turn to bat. My niece was the fifth batter. There were two outs, and I just kept praying for two-out lightning. And there she was! She hit a great line drive over the short stop’s head! Go MacAttack go!! She got a double and batted in a run. I was so proud of her. My little niece who can be a bit scared and shy was playing with such confidence and grace.

As the all-star game went on, I was more and more impressed with these little 8 and 9-year-old girls. They looked like they knew what they were doing. I was so so proud and impressed. Then I was a bit sad because it also means they are growing up! And growing up too fast!

When I got home it hit me. I started thinking how sad it was that my sister wasn’t there to see this little lady playing a sport that my sister loved as well. She would have been so proud of MacAttack, and she would have been the loudest one cheering for her. I know she was there in spirit and will be at all of my niece’s life events and future all-star games. And I know I can’t think of how awful and unfair it is that she isn’t here. It hurts my heart so much, but I know that I need to be present in the moment and not bring everyone down thinking how much I wish she was there.

I miss my sister so much, and I am beyond blessed to have two little pieces of her to hold onto and share. These little people give me so much joy and their kind hearts ring with my sister’s gentle spirit. So I need to thank God that he put me in the position to share these moments with them. I wish he could bring my sister back to all of us, but I guess that only happens in the movies and soap operas. Until then, little one, I love you and miss you so much, and I know you are so so proud of your little baby girl.

In Family

Hell of a View

May 25, 2021 No Comments

Every time I hear the song “Hell of a View” by Eric Church, I think of my niece and nephew. They love that song and sing every word. I think they like it because it says “I smoked my Bronco tires outta that town” and their Pops has a Bronco. They seem to like songs they can relate to. I hope they embrace the meaning of that song and take chances with their “toes hanging off the ledge with nothing to lose”. I hope they take chances and live life to the fullest every day like they are now.

When we are driving around from playground to playground and that song comes on, the kids sit in the backseat bobbing their heads and singing without a care in the world. Meanwhile, I am trying to fight back tears because I am thinking about how much I want my sister to be there with us. And how mad and sad and pissed I am that she was taken from us and from them. I am so upset that she isn’t here to hear them sing and to squeeze them when they go to bed every night. I know she is here in spirit, but I want to hear her laugh and see her smile.

May 7^th, 2018 was when we lost her after her 18-month battle with cancer. It really hasn’t stopped hurting since. I am not sure any of us have truly gotten over it. How can you? But somehow we have to try to find a way to get by, and we have to believe there is something bigger out there. So I guess we are supposed to be grateful that her pain is gone, and that she has a hell of a view up there.

May is a hard month for our family. Nine years ago on May 23, my sister, mom, and I held my dad’s hand as he took his last earthly breath after his nine-year battle with lung cancer. My dad was only 61 years old. I look at my friends and family around me now and think we are not far from 61. It’s unbelievable how young he really was. I am so glad he fought long enough to know my sister was pregnant, and he tried to hold on to see that sweet baby girl but didn’t make it. Days like this make me sad he didn’t get the chance to hold his grandchildren and spoil them. He would have had so much fun with those little ones. In his quiet way, he would have taught them so much. He LOVED music, too, and could have introduced them to some real classics. He could tell you the artist and name of almost any song. I still remember my dad’s face when he got a Bose stereo for Christmas one year. That was a hell of a view.

Because this past Sunday was the 23rd, I went to church. I felt that I needed to hear some kind of message. God must have sent the Pastor a sign because it seemed he knew just what I needed to hear. The message was that we are on a journey. The journey isn’t going to be easy and there are going to be challenges. He said God doesn’t call us to do anything he doesn’t think we can handle. Trials are necessary but God promises unconditional love and everlasting life. Jesus gave it all for us so we need to trust that God will give it all to us if we give it all to him. It is hard to think about the promise of Heaven when we are here on Earth just doing what we think is best. Sometimes it’s hard to see past the trials. Sometimes it’s hard not to question why. Sometimes it’s hard not to be envious of a friend who still has their father or their sibling. But I guess we need to believe, and we need to realize life is precious. Make the best of it and appreciate the view.

This quote from Mother Teresa pretty much sums up how I feel at times. She said,

I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.

I guess God thinks I am one strong cookie with all the trials he has sent my way. But maybe we all feel that way. All of us have losses and struggles. Many of us question why. One day we will find out. One day we will be up in Heaven with a Hell of a View. Until then live life with your toes hanging off the ledge.

Featured Photo by Balazs Busznyak on Unsplash

In Family

That Summer

May 18, 2021 No Comments

As you read in “The Broken Hip”, Gram and I took off for Florida in February 2017. It was there, at the CrossFit gym, where I met my future husband as you read in our trio blog posts from him, Eleina, and myself. It was also at that time that I had just started my First Dream Team. And we had just learned that my sister had Cancer. But let’s continue on our journey with Gram that summer.

After two weeks in Florida, Gram, the cat, and I made our way to Richmond to see the family. My sister had just undergone surgery and was recovering from having several organs removed. The doctors felt surgery was the best approach to try to rid her body of cancer. She was hopeful and ready to kick cancer’s ass. She was so strong and she didn’t stay long in the hospital bed. She was ready to be home with her little ones. We stayed a couple of weeks to help out and to spend some time with her.

Once she was settled back at home, Gram and I continued on our journey to PA. I decided to start taking classes to get my real estate license. I thought being a realtor would give me flexible hours and a flexible schedule. I could then care for Gram, but also make some money and possibly turn it into a career when my caretaking duties were finished.

Because it was my first Dream Team I also spent a lot of time at the gym. I took my new healthy lifestyle seriously plus I was meeting new friends. I really enjoyed it. Many days, I would take Gram with me to the gym and even put her through a few workouts. She was so inspiring. She would do some squats, lift some dumbbells, and do a weight machine or two. I hoped it would help her with her balance. At that time, the gym was on the second floor so just to get to the gym Gram had to walk up two flights of stairs. And she did it well!

My sister had another surgery in May, and they scraped every inch of her abdomen. She was in the operating room for 20 hours. It was so scary. But, she pulled through and was ready to go home within days. I couldn’t believe how determined she was. We all prayed that the surgery would be the last, and she would start the remission process. But they still wanted her to do chemotherapy and radiation that summer, which she did. She held onto most of her hair until that fall. Then it started getting thin. It eventually fell out by Christmas.

After months of studying, I passed my real estate license test and started selling houses. I really enjoyed it. Gram went with me several times to show houses. Sometimes she would go in and sometimes she would just sit in the car. She was content and happy. We spent that summer riding around in my little convertible EOS, getting ice cream at all of the hot spots, and making our way up and down the highway to and from Richmond. We didn’t have much of a schedule so we just took one day at a time and wanted to spend as much time as we could with the family.

That summer, I was busy with real estate and started doing some personal training at the gym. Jeff and I stayed in touch but only saw each other a few times. I kept thinking ‘if it’s meant to be, it will be.’ I wanted it to work, but I knew the distance could limit the opportunity, especially since his youngest son was still in high school. So I enjoyed my time with Gram and doing my own thing. She was the best companion because she did what I wanted to do and didn’t complain 🙂

As the weather got chillier and fall came upon us, things started to change. Jeff asked me to a few family functions and football games as our relationship started becoming more serious. Gram told my friends and family that she better not say how much she liked Jeff or I would stop dating him. Therefore, she kept it a secret for a while. But every now and again, when I was in the bathroom with Gram, she would let it slip and say, “I like Jeff. Do you like Jeff?” And of course, I liked Jeff but we still lived in different states, and I wasn’t sure where life would lead or what Life Changes would occur.

My sister finished chemo and was feeling pretty good. She was working on gaining muscle and getting her strength back. The kids were getting older and more involved in gymnastics and tee-ball. We all loved watching them play. We were all hopeful. We were looking forward to Christmas and spending more family time together. My sister was so positive and determined. Even as she was battling cancer and going through surgeries, radiation, and chemo, she kept a positive outlook. She laughed, she smiled. She enjoyed all the little things. Little did we know that upcoming Christmas would be her last and more life changes would be upon us.

In Family

The Dreaded “C” Word

January 19, 2021 6 Comments

I don’t remember where I was when my sister told me she had cancer. She was 37 years old. She felt a cyst. The doctors removed it and that’s when they discovered it was malignant. We were all in shock. We couldn’t believe this was happening. Our family went through a nine-year battle with lung cancer with my dad from 2003-2012. We couldn’t believe it was happening again.

The doctors could not find the primary source of my sister’s cancer, yet they wanted to treat it aggressively. She started treatment at the beginning of 2017. She had two major surgeries that spring. One which was over 20 hours. But she was so strong she pulled through and went home just a few days later even though we almost lost her on the table.

I couldn’t believe how strong she was as she battled cancer and went through treatment. She would have surgery and be home in the next few days taking care of her kids, working as a nurse, and being a great wife.

We all thought and prayed that she would kick cancer’s ass. She fought so hard but it seemed the more surgery they did, the more aggressive it became. In the end, she was hospitalized and became jaundice. She came home, and we tried to get her hospice care. She was coherent, loving, and talked about continuing the fight but she was very weak and her body was ravaged. I thought for sure she would get stronger. We talked about future plans and possible treatment options.

Although at times I regret I didn’t pack up Gram and leave PA sooner, I was glad we got to spend her last six days with her. My boyfriend (who later became my husband), and I tried to distract the kids from her failing health by taking them to the park. We continued to try to make life as normal as possible, but they knew something was terribly wrong.

Less than a week after she came home from the hospital, we lost her. We were all there by her side as she took her last breath. Her son was only two and a half so he didn’t really understand. Her daughter who was five was crushed as we all were. It was the most difficult thing I have had to watch. Even though we were there when my dad and my grandfather went, seeing such a terrible disease take such a young life was devasting.

Looking back I wonder if I could have or should have done something different. With my dad, I had nine years to process it. I came home as often as I could from Virginia to spend time with him. I went to Virginia as often as I could from Pennsylvania to see my sister, but looking back I wish I would have gone more. I just thought I would have more time. I never thought she would be gone in just 18 short months.

My advice to you is to take the time to do the things that are important to you. Don’t miss visiting family or friends because you are too busy or you are holding a grudge for some reason. Make the time. Seize the moment and enjoy it. You never know when that moment to see them will be gone.

In Family

Dad

November 3, 2020 3 Comments

My dad…Just saying those two words bring tears to my eyes. His 69^th birthday would have been October 17. As you read in “About Me“, he’s been gone for over eight years now. Most days, I smile when I think of him. I know he’s looking down on me, happy for me, and even proud of me.

But then there are days, where out of nowhere, it hits you like a ton of bricks. It takes your breath away. And some days you have tears rolling down your face, and you can’t stop. You want him back. You want a hug, a smile, a laugh, or to smell the coffee on his breath when he kisses your cheek.

When you lose a loved one, it leaves such a huge hole in your heart. I haven’t cried over losing my dad in a long time, but for some reason these past few days, I can’t stop. I have tried to figure out why. Maybe it was his birthday. Maybe it was missing being a little kid on Halloween and going trick-or-treating around our town. Maybe it was because he used to rake huge piles of leaves for us to jump in around this time. It doesn’t really matter why because it can sneak up on you out of nowhere.

Jeff was away at work so it was just me in the Kitchen with Gram working on dinner. We always have music on through our Sonos system, which we love! My dad loved music, too. I remember one Christmas my mom bought him a Bose stereo, and he was so excited. Well, actually I think he knew he was getting it, and maybe my sister and I were more excited than he was! I wish I had a picture of it. He was so happy and cute. (Of course, I HAVE a picture of it in a photo album in Pennsylvania 🙁 which does me absolutely no good right now). Anyway, we couldn’t believe he finally got a Bose! He had wanted one for so long. He always loved music and could tell you the name of the song and the artist of almost any tune. Whenever I listen to Bob FM, I always think of him and the old Bose 🙂

Needless to say, I had country music playing through the speakers and a song came on called”Love ya Son, Go Dawgs“. It’s about a dad calling his son and leaving a voicemail. The son plays the voicemail whenever he wants to hear his dad’s message. It reminded me of a voicemail I have from my dad, although right now, I have no idea where it is, but I know I have a saved voicemail on an old phone somewhere.

Listening to that song makes me miss him so much. It makes me think about all the things he has missed out on since he’s been gone such as meeting his grandchildren and my husband. It also makes me miss all of the future things I won’t get to do with him. I won’t get another voicemail from him. I won’t get to hear his voice telling me to check the oil or telling me the weather is too bad to come home. I won’t hear him saying, “love ya and miss ya, talk to you later” on the other end of the phone, and it hurts so badly.

If you’ve lost a loved one, please remember it’s ok to let it go sometimes. No, you can’t hide away forever and you can’t stop living and enjoying your life. Remember, life is so short, you need to live and be happy.

But don’t be surprised when out of nowhere, grief hits you. I found this blog post about dealing with grief when it sneaks up on you. We are all different, and there is no set timeline and standard or manual. You need to lean on your friends and family. And maybe try to figure out why your body is grieving before your mind even puts it together. I hope this post helps finds you well and offers you some comfort if you are having a hard time right now.

In Family

Why I Launched on August 8

August 11, 2020 No Comments

On August 8^th, when I was three years old, I got the gift of a little sister. I am sure I only picked on her a few times throughout our childhood. Needless to say, although we were a few years apart, we got along very well and became best friends. She went with me wherever I went. Maybe I was made to take her, but I enjoyed every minute with her.

We grew up in a town where many of the kids in my grade had younger siblings in her grade. We grew up in a town where most of the parents were in the same social class and made about the same amount of money. We grew up in a town where there wasn’t a lot of diversity, but no one was cultural bias either. We grew up in a town where kindergarten students rode the bus with seniors in high school and it wasn’t a big deal because everyone had an older cousin to keep an eye on them. We grew up in a town where we walked home safely from school. We grew up in a town where we played outside until dark. We grew up in a town where most parents knew each other and a lot of them even went to school together.

As you read in “How Did I Get Here“, my sister and I grew up close to our grandparents. We took family trips together. We took Catholic school classes together. She was my best friend. I went off to college and even though I was only 30 minutes away, I think she felt left behind.

After college, I moved away. After a few months in California, I ended up in Virginia. I begged her to follow me after she graduated, and three years later, she did. I told her you can always go back but if you don’t take the plunge and move away after college, you may never go.

We played sports together through River City Sports and Social Club and Richmond Volleyball Club. She eventually got a job teaching in the same county where I was working. She coached volleyball, I coached basketball, and we coached JV softball together. She was an inspiration to the girls, and we both had a “work hard, be respectful, make good grades” coaching style. We enjoyed the girls, and I think they enjoyed us.

Our dad was fighting lung cancer at the time and after five years of teaching, she decided she wanted to go back to our hometown in Northwestern Pennsylvania to get her nursing degree. She moved back home and helped with Dad for almost two years. After she finished her nursing degree, she decided to come back to Virginia.

She got a job at one of the local hospitals. It was there where she met her husband, who was a frequent visitor because his mother was there battling Crohn’s Disease. After three years of dating, they got married. My dad made it to her wedding day and had enough strength to walk her down the aisle without his cumbersome oxygen tank. In May 2012, he took his last breath. My mom, sister, and I were there to hold his hand as he rose into the afterlife. Although he didn’t get to see his first grandchild, he knew my sister was pregnant. A few months later, she gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. Three years later, my nephew was born.

In December 2016, we got the most horrifying news. My sister had a cyst. When they removed it, they found out it was malignant. We couldn’t believe it and didn’t want to go through another battle with cancer.

I was so sure she would beat it. Our father fought lung cancer for eight years and even lived another year with a collapsed lung. I had no doubt she would have at least nine more years here on Earth.

But I was wrong. In May 2018, we (my mom, brother-in-law, and myself) surrounded her as she took her last breath at the young age of 38. I am not sure why God took her. It makes me so sad, mad, and upset. I don’t understand his plan. Her body was ravaged by a cancer that could never be pinpointed. It spread like wildfire. It was devastating. I am thankful she is no longer suffering, but I miss my best friend every day. I miss her advice. I miss her kind heart. I miss her smile. I miss her for the children, her husband, and our mother.

I launched on August 8th, my sister’s birthday, in her honor and memory. She will forever live in my heart, giving me strength and inspiring me every time I look at her pictures and those two little children of hers.

cancer sucks

Timing

MacAttack

Happy Birthday to my niece and my mother-in-law!

All-Star

Hell of a View

I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.

That Summer

The Dreaded “C” Word

Dad

Why I Launched on August 8

Missing Gram

Like this:

Letter to Gram

Like this: