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The Medium

March 28, 2023 No Comments

About two months ago, I had my very first session with a medium. I had never really thought about talking to one or trying to connect with my lost loved ones, but after two different people mentioned the word medium to me in a week, I figured it was time to try.

According to Wikipedia, Mediumship is “the practice of purportedly mediating communication between familiar spirits or spirits of the dead and living human beings.” I have heard of mediums before but I guess I wasn’t really sure if they could truly connect. Even though I believe in spirits and angels and that there are signs from Heaven, I thought many mediums were scammers who took advantage of others, especially those in deep grief.

But it all started the first week of January 2023. We stopped by a friend’s house, and she was telling me how she reconnected with an old friend who was a medium. I was intrigued and for the first time, I wondered if she would be able to connect with my family.

The next week, at my volunteer training at Valerie’s House, I met a wonderful woman. She told me she and her mother were having difficulty with the passing of her brother. They contacted a medium named Jake Samoyedny. My friend said he performed the session via Zoom and it was awesome. She said it was totally worth it and helped both of them so much on their grief journey.

After hearing of this experience, I decided I needed to give it a try. I wanted my mother and me to do it together because, like most mothers who have lost a child, she continues to struggle with the loss of my sister. I scheduled a session for the last week in January when my mom would be in Florida, and we could do it together.

A couple of days later I started thinking, and I decided I wanted a session by myself before ours together. We were out on a ski trip in Taos, NM so one morning I decided to skip skiing and have a Zoom call with this medium in New York.

Honestly, I was blown away. He was able to connect with most of my family. Gram came first. She said she was very grateful to Jeff and me for taking care of her. She said she never wanted to be a burden and that we didn’t make her feel like one. The interesting thing is burden is a word Gram used all the time. So it had to be her! The medium said Gram was in the spiritual world just bragging about me. That made me feel so happy. She also said that she was ready to go at the end, and that I didn’t need to feel any guilt. She and grandpa were happy and singing up in Heaven. My heart was relieved.

Next, my sister came into the call. She too had faced the fact that her time here on Earth was done. Her job in the spiritual world is meeting babies who have passed too early and don’t have anyone up there to “receive them”. She puts her arms around these young spirits and welcomes them into the spiritual world until their families are found. I expected nothing less from my gentle-hearted sister.

My dad was there too because he kept flashing the Steelers logo, but at the time I didn’t realize it. He was always quiet so I wasn’t surprised that he let my gram and sister do all the talking. Just his presence was enough for me.

Some of the things Jake, the medium, knew I couldn’t believe. I know much of my life is an open book and there is a lot of information on my blog. Now he had a week to Google me and learn all about me but does he do that for every person? And what if you don’t have an online presence? He didn’t ask me for any information, but he knew so many things. It seems the spirits portrayed information to him such as Gram and Gramp’s dates of death, my ex-husband’s name, a guy who passed in our 20s, my sister as Wonder Woman, my uncle’s Polish name which was Stasiu and that Jeff was right by my side supporting me in this life. I just can’t believe that he could have found some of that information.

Towards the end of the session, the medium gave me a bit of much-needed therapy. He told me that I need to be a Yes, Woman which is hard to believe that I should say yes to more! But it seems I am clearly on the right path. He also told me to keep writing. He says I may even be able to write a book! Therefore, one of these days look for me on the bookshelves.

After my session with the medium I felt like I was flying! I felt amazing and unstoppable. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. My family was happy and at peace. They had no regrets and didn’t feel I needed to regret any actions I took or didn’t take. I needed to believe that I did the absolute best I could for them. Now I need to believe that I need to do the best for myself and my family. Jeff and I try to live our lives to the fullest and it gave me encouragement to continue our path. It also made me feel like I really could write a book that people might buy. Honestly, I have always wanted to be an author. It must have been my Honors English teacher, Mrs. Erdos, who put the love of writing into my brain. I couldn’t wait to start.

Whether you all believe there is something out there or not, I have to believe I will see my family again. I have to believe they are happy and content and having the best time wherever they are. I have to believe that even though the process of dying may be devasting, death itself is instant and the soul is lifted up into a state of unconditional love and peace in the blink of an eye.

If you have a lost loved one and would like to see if you can connect, I highly suggest using Jake. He records the session for you so you can listen to it over and over. He seems to understand the spiritual world and can help if you are struggling with the loss of your loved one. He says there are signs that they send us. Make sure you look for signs of your lost loved one. They truly are all around us.

Photo by Omkar Jadhav on Unsplash

In Adventures with Gram

Letter From Gram

February 24, 2023 2 Comments

Today marks two years since we lost Sweet Gram. I miss her and her beautiful smile so much. If you have been following my blog you know that I posted a letter to Gram that ended up being spread out over four different posts. I guess I had a lot to say to her! That was my way to help myself on my grief journey. My therapist also suggested that I write a letter to myself as if it were written by Gram. My therapist thought it would be helpful for me to hear what Gram might have to say. So here goes. My version of a letter from Gram and what it may be like there in Heaven.

My Dearest Stacy,

I am beyond devastated to hear these words in your letter. I am so sorry that you are struggling to this extent. As much as I wish I was there with you on Earth, I am having the most magical time here in Heaven.

You see in Heaven I am young again, just like when I always told you I felt 22. My body has no aches or pains. My skin is wrinkle-free and my hair is blond and beautiful as it always was. I have reconnected with all of my lost loved ones. Both of my brothers and my parents are here. I visit them on the old family farm from time to time, and we lay on hay bails and look at the clouds in the sky.

My best friend, Dorothy, is here. So many nights we have sat up laughing and reminiscing about all of the mischiefs we used to get into. We talk about the nights we drove to Pittsburgh and all of the young men we were enamored with before we met the “ones”.

My son, Stanley, is here. He looks so good. He, too, is happy. He is sorry that he didn’t get a chance to tell us all goodbye because the aneurysm took him so quickly. But much to my relief, it happened so fast that he didn’t feel any pain. He wants to thank you for making the effort to spend time with your cousin, his daughter, and my granddaughter while we traveled up and down the east coast. He hopes you will see more of her in the future. She is a great mother, and he is so proud of his grandchildren and what wonderful young people they are becoming.

Your grandpa is here. He can’t believe everything you made me do but he knew deep down that I could keep up. He wants me to pass along the message that he is so proud of you. He is proud of you for sticking in the education field. He is proud of you for sticking it out until you met the man of your dreams. He is proud of you for doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. He is proud of you for everything that you did for me even though he was terrified the day you took me to hike Cooper’s Rock!

Your grandpa and I go dancing every Saturday night. We sing in the choir on Sunday mornings and at various events here in Heaven. We eat dinner with your dad and sister every Sunday like we used to. We have seats saved for all of you at the table but we know you have a purpose to fulfill there on Earth so we wait. We get to see what you are doing every day hence we don’t miss a thing. And if you look closely we send you signs that we are right there by your side.

Your sister is struggling the most. Although her body is not ravaged by cancer anymore, she misses being there with her kiddos. She is glad that you visit them as much as you can and thinks you are a good influence on them. Keep sharing your life with them. They are growing up into the most precious little beings. She is proud of how athletic and smart they are. Although she hates not being there by their side, she is glad that everyone is so happy. She sees joy in the kids’ eyes and is glad the kids have so many supportive people in their lives who love them so much. She is happy that her husband has found someone to share his life with. It is good for the kids to see their dad happy. Your sister is beyond grateful that your mom has been there to watch them grow up and to help them with any daily struggles.

Your dad, Marvin, and Patty are acting like the foolish party animals they were in high school. They are having a ball. They sit around campfires and talk about the good ole days. Marvin realizes that he made a few mistakes and wishes things would have been different. He is proud of his three boys and the men they have become. Patty, like your sister, struggles that she had to go to Heaven when she was so young. How she wishes she was there when her boys hit all of their milestones. She sees their struggles and hopes they feel her presence because she is right beside them every day. How she wishes things were different but she understands it wasn’t meant to be.

Stacy, please do not beat yourself up about the last few months of my life. My body was tired. My mind was getting frail. I enjoyed those last five years with you and Jeff more than you could ever know. Traveling up and down the east coast with you was the best time of my life. I actually think I flew with you more in my last 5 years than in my first 91. I loved how we got to see family and friends. Thank you for taking me along with you. You have amazing people in your life. The fact that ALL of them welcomed me into their homes was a blessing. I never wanted to be a burden on you or your friends. I know many times I didn’t want to stay but it was only because I didn’t want to embarrass you or myself. I’ve told you time and time again “starość to nie radość” which means “it’s hell getting old!”

In conclusion, please know that I love and miss you more than words can say, but I will wait to see you until your work on Earth is done. Family is very important and you have so much to give, but always remember you need to take care of yourself first. Life is short even if you do get to turn 96 so smile, laugh, inspire, and live the life you are meant to live.

Love, Gram

There you have it. My version of what Gram might say. Remember life is short so LIVE, LAUGH, and LOVE with all you have. Fill your heart and your time with those people who fulfill you and fill your spirit. Let go of those who bring you down and deflate you. Life is meant to be lived so live it to the fullest!

In Family

Five Years Later

January 31, 2023 No Comments

As you all know, I lost my sister almost five years ago. It still stings every day, and so many times I want to call her, ask her for advice or just give her a big ole hug. But then I realize I can’t. And it hurts, really hurts. But I have to pull myself together and move forward. Even though she isn’t here I can still imagine what advice she would give me because most of the time, I knew the answer in my heart, I just needed her to reassure me.

Sisterhood is an amazing bond. If you are lucky enough to have a sister, hold onto her tightly. If you have any type of bond that resembled the one my sister and I had, please know I am extremely envious. My sister and I could just look at each other and knew what each other was thinking. We knew when the other one needed support or needed to vent. She always knew what to say to me, and I miss that most of all.

Five years. Where did the time go? Things have changed so much in such little time. Her children are now 10 and seven. I look at the last few pictures of my sister’s life and the kids are so small. My nephew is just a little pea pod of two years old. Does he truly remember her? Does he remember her sweet smile and demeanor? Does he remember her holding him and rocking him? He knows her picture and talks as though he does. We can only hope. My niece who was five at the time remembers her but what does she remember? And how much does she remember of my sister’s illness and battle with cancer? How does that impact her? All we can do is hope that they go to therapy or a support group like Valerie’s House if they need it and develop into happy, loving, kind human beings.

I can’t imagine losing a spouse. Of course, marriages are not perfect. They take work, communication, respect, and love. And yes, sometimes you really want your spouse to go away, but you don’t expect to lose someone to cancer at such a young age. My sister was only 38 years old and her husband was only 33. Their lives were just beginning and their family was just starting. Sometimes I get so upset that she finally found the love of her life and then she was taken away. Sometimes this life seems so unfair. I want to scream, and I want her to come back, but yet again, I have to move forward. I have no control over life’s events.

Since she must have been needed in Heaven and can’t be with us anymore, we need to realize that she would want us all to live life to the fullest until we meet her again. In my heart, I know that she would want her husband and her children to be happy. She would want her husband to find love again. She would want him to smile, laugh, go on adventures, and have fun. She would want him to find a woman to help nurture her children. She would want someone in her children’s lives who would love them and treat them with kindness and respect. She would want them to know love and see their father happy. She would want her children to exude positive energy and happiness, not sorrow and despair. I believe my brother-in-law has found someone that exudes those qualities that my sister would want. I am truly happy for him and the kids.

Here we are almost five years later. Even though I miss my sister more than words can say and wish she was here more than anything, I am grateful that my brother-in-law has found someone. This new woman and her family celebrated the holidays with our family. It seems this woman has brought a lot of positive changes to my brother-in-law’s life. When I see him with her, I see them smiling, laughing, and enjoying each other and each other’s children. I like her a lot and hope we become closer as time moves on. I am excited to embrace these new family members and am open to creating a bond with this new woman and her family. I hope she is as open to me as I am to her, and I can’t wait to see where this journey takes us.

Yes, change is hard. Losing a family member is hard. Losing a young life is hard. Life is hard. Sometimes family dynamics unexpectedly change and sometimes family becomes people who are not necessarily related to you by blood. And sometimes you find new family members actually related to you by blood. The one thing we can all count on is that life changes. Let’s embrace those changes and make the best of the situations we are in.

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope this year you embrace new adventures. I hope you embrace new family members, and I hope you realize life is too short to hold grudges, to be pissed off at the little things, and to degrade other people because you feel bad about yourself. Let’s make an effort to celebrate and support one another in 2023.

In Family

Grief and a Letter

December 20, 2022 No Comments

Last year I wrote a post called “Letter from Above.” A friend told me I should republish it every year around the holidays so I thought I would remind you to check it out. Click on the link above and it will take you back to my letter. I hope it gives you a sense of peace as we embark on this holiday season. Even though the holidays are a beautiful time of year, they also can be very painful for some people who have suffered severe loss. I hope that you have the support you need to get through this season with a smile on your beautiful face and a light of hope in your heart.

As I was wasting time on Facebook the other day, I saw this letter that someone else shared. I also kept the links that will take you to their pages. I thought both of these women were very inspirational. I hope you take some time to scroll through their pages. Just reading a few of their posts made me feel better about myself, my journey, and the losses I have suffered. I hope they do the same for you.

The Soul Journey with Sarah Moussa

A love letter from those who have passed on…

Take the love you have for me

And radiate it outwards

Allowing it to touch and impact others

Take the memory you have of me

And use it as a source of inspiration

To live fully, meaningfully and intentionally

Take the image you have of me in your mind

And allow it to fuel you

To take action

Seize the day

And be reminded of what is most important in life

Take the care you have for me

And let it remind you

To care for yourself fully

And shower yourself with your own love

And take the pain and grief you feel

Following my loss

And alchemize it into

Love, compassion and beauty

Build a castle

From the wreckage of my passing

And allow it to unlock your greatness and potential

And empower you to become more than you ever thought you were capable of being

And know that I can never truly leave you

And will always remain beside you

Watching over you in spirit

And that the love I have for you lives on

Through the connections you form

The kindness and compassion you share

And the future relationships and friendships you cultivate.

And until we are one day reunited

I will remain with you

Through the storms and chaos of life

And am always beside you

Walking with you, laughing with you, crying with you and smiling with you

And I am proud of you for being strong

I am proud of you for being brave

And I am proud of you for being you.

Words by Tahlia Hunter

I wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a very Happy, Happy New Year!

Photo by Álvaro Serrano on Unsplash

In What We Eat

Avocado Toast

November 1, 2022 No Comments

As you know we try to eat better to move better. We had the best avocado toast at a little breakfast place in St. Augustine called Uptown Swinery. It was so good! Today, I made breakfast at our beach condo in Carolina Beach, NC. I added an over-easy egg to it. So it becomes messy but so delicious! Try it out!

Ingredients

1 slice of Ezekiel bread
1/2 avocado
1 egg
5 grape tomatoes cut in half
sprinkle to taste Everything Bagel Seasoning

Stacy’s Suggestions and Preparation

Make an over-easy egg.
Toast your bread.
Cut up grape tomatoes.
Cut avocado in half.
Once the toast is done, spread avocado on it.
Add your egg.
Add grape tomatoes.
Sprinkle on seasoning.
Enjoy!

In Family

My Dad

October 18, 2022 No Comments

Yesterday my dad would have turned 71. He has been gone 10 years meaning he was only 60 years old when cancer took him from us. It is hard to believe he’s been gone that long. We miss him every day and wish he was here to spend time with us and his grandchildren. He would have such a blast watching them play softball and baseball.

My dad fought lung cancer for 9 years. Again, it’s hard to believe that he was only 51 years old when his battle began. I was in my twenties when it started. He wasn’t old but it seemed he had lived a lot of life. Now that I am four years away from being 50 I realize how young he was and how much of life there was still to live.

I have said it before but the lesson learned from him passing away so young was that I promised myself I would live life to the fullest. I was going to be a Yes Girl! I was going to be responsible with my money but also spend what was needed to travel and see the world as much as I could. I was going to enjoy myself and be as happy as possible. Back in my twenties and thirties, I was probably also a little more daring about how risky I was going to live this life! Oh, how times have changed.

Now in my forties, I have much more freedom from a work schedule to live life to the fullest, but my mind and fear also get in the way of doing things that 10 years ago I wouldn’t have thought twice about doing. I also met my Rock who enjoys life as much as I do. Sometimes I think we have too much fun but I think that’s better than not enjoying life at all.

So today I just wanted to give a shout-out to my dad up there in Heaven. I hope you all celebrated with a nice big campfire. I hope you had a shot and beer. And I hope you keep looking down on all of us and know we are living our lives to the fullest because of you. Love and miss you, Dad.

In Weekly Wednesday Words

Grief

September 21, 2022 No Comments

Grief although lessens with time it never truly goes away. You just have to learn to continue to live. And live life to the fullest because you never know when the gift of life will be taken away.

Grief is like glitter. You can throw a handful of glitter into the air, but when you try to clean it up, you’ll never get it all. Even long after the event, you will still find glitter tucked into corners, it will always be there – somewhere.

~ unknown

Photo by Ann on Unsplash

In Family

Sister’s Memorial

September 20, 2022 2 Comments

My sister has been gone a little over four years now. A few months ago, my mom ordered a headstone for her to lie next to that of my dad, uncle and grandparents . My mom still struggles as you can imagine. She wanted the headstone to be placed in the cemetary in our small town in Northwestern Pennsylvania. She wanted a resting spot for her little girl near her when she is laid to rest. And she wanted to have a little memorial to honor her.

After a few design ideas, my mom ordered a headstone. She put my sister’s husband’s name on it as well since they were married when she passed. Whether their children will bury any of his ashes there beside my sister is up to them. But for now, there is a piece of her where people can go and say hello.

The headstone was placed this summer. My mom lives in Virginia so she decided to have a little memorial in August (my sister’s birthday month) to bury some of her ashes at the gravesite. That weekend she also decided to organize a golf outing for my dad’s side of the family.

The weekend ended up being absolutely wonderful. My mom came in Thursday, and we had some fun times together shopping and getting things ready for the weekend. On Friday, my hubby came home, and we went up to the gravesite to dig holes and clean the graves. I kept asking my mom if she was ready for the memorial and knew what she was going to say. She said, “I am just winging it!” I said, “Ok.” I am not good at speaking in front of people so I knew I needed to write some thoughts down.

Later that evening my mom’s best friend since first grade come to the house and spent the night. We also had some family friends over for a campfire. We shared many memories of my sister, my dad, my mom’s best friend’s cousin, and of course sweet Gram. It was a wonderful night of friendship, laughter, and maybe even a tear or two.

The next morning, a lot of my dad’s side of the family and friends of my sister came to the house for brunch. We had eggs, bacon, and French toast casserole. Of course, since it was my dad’s side of the family we also had mimosas and Bloody Marys. I did a slideshow of my sister and had it playing on the TV. One of my sister’s best friends brought her yearbooks and some old pictures of her. It was wonderful to see her cute little face.

After brunch, we all headed to the cemetery. In front of family and the very best of friends, my mom gave her tribute. She talked about why she needed to do this and what it all meant for her. Along with burying some of my sister’s ashes, she also buried Kuma, the cat, near Gram, and our other family cat, Ciaty, near my dad. She thought she would lose it as she talked about her daughter and how much she misses her every day. But she held it together for the most part and gave a wonderful speech.

I spoke next, and I am not sure I kept it together very well. But I said what I wanted to. My sister’s godmother went next and then some other friends and family shared a few memories of my little sis. There were tears and there was laughter.

My sister had the biggest heart and the most heart-warming smile. Hearing the memories of others made my heart happy. Being surrounded by our wonderful family and friends made me realize how many people’s lives she touched. I also realized even though she isn’t here anymore she will never be forgotten.

Up on the hill that Saturday morning, although sad, it was peaceful. It left me with hope for our family. Just look at the pictures that were taken on that beautiful morning. It truly shows there are so many signs from heaven and that ALL of our heavenly family was there with us that beautiful Saturday morning.

Thank you, mom, for putting this wonderful memorial weekend together. Although you will never forget and some of the pain will never go away, I hope you find some peace and closure knowing your little girl is reunited with the family and will be there waiting for you when God decides he needs you, too.

In Family

My Sister

August 8, 2022 2 Comments

Happy Birthday in Heaven Little One

I have written a few posts (The Dreaded C Word) about my amazing little sister and how we lost her at the young age of 38 after an 18-month battle with an aggressive cancer. I started this blog two years ago on her birthday with one of my favorite posts In the Bathroom with Gram. My blog has changed over the past two years, and I want to thank you for continuing to follow me on my journey as this blog and I evolve.

When you first started following me there were daily inspirations, my Adventures with Gram, Weekly Wednesday Workouts, and Friday Fixins. Then I would write a post or two about Family and Travel.

Last year, on my sister’s birthday, I changed it up a bit and started Weekly Wednesday Words along with Tuesday posts about anything from Gram to Travel to being a Pilot’s Wife. My posts became more sporadic because without having sweet Gram to take care of Jeff and I are Never Home. Last year, I started traveling as much as my husband who flies for a living. Therefore, it has been hard to keep up with my writing. It seems there is very little downtime! I hope you still enjoy my posts as much as I still enjoy writing them when I get the time to write. Please share my blog with your friends and family on your social media, especially those posts you find uplifting or motivational.

So here we are again on August 8^th, and today my sister would have been 43. It’s still so hard to believe she’s gone. A lot has changed over the past four and a half years. The kids are now almost 10 and seven. How did that happen?? They are the cutest and most amazing little humans. I am so blessed to be their aunt. We continue to travel to Virginia about every other month to see their sweet faces. They are happy, social, and involved in activities. It is really wonderful to see.

My brother-in-law stays busy as well and also is very happy. I believe my sister is smiling down from Heaven. I know she wants to be here in person to squeeze those little ones and to raise them beside her husband’s side. But since she cannot be here I know more than anything she wants all of us to be happy. She would want her husband to find someone to love and share his life with, she would want me to pursue my dreams of seeing the world with the amazing husband I found, she would want her mother to be happy doing activities she loves and find friendships she enjoys (and maybe even a significant other to share her life with), and she would want her children to run around, be active, explore their passions, and express gratitude and kindness towards all. She would want wonderful women in their lives to love them, to teach them, and to show them how important it is for life to be lived.

We all still miss my sister every day. We miss her smile and her sweet demeanor. She was one of a kind. My husband and I started a scholarship for her at our hometown high school. The young woman that we picked this year wrote a wonderful essay on why she should receive it. Then she wrote us a lovely thank you card with these words.

I am so honored to have received the Scholarship. I am so thankful for the generosity of you both and the support to pursue my dreams. I am beyond proud to resemble her character even in the slightest; I’ve heard amazing things about her. My gratitude is endless, thank you.

It meant the world to me that she took the time to apply for the essay and then write us such a sweet note. It brings tears to my eyes. This is what I want the community of Cambridge Springs to remember about my sister. Since she is not here I feel it is up to me to tell stories of how amazing of a person she was. I want everyone who didn’t have a chance to meet her to know her and love her as much as we all do. I want her memory to live on. I want everyone to remember her name. And when they see it, I want them to think of her and smile.

In Adventures with Gram

Letter to Gram III (Frustration)

June 14, 2022 No Comments

This is post III of my letter to Gram. I told you it was LONG!! If you are just joining us, head on back to check out Letters to Gram I and II (Change). Writing this letter was very therapeutic for me and maybe writing a letter to your lost loved one will help you, too. Reading these letters again as I edit this post about Gram and my frustration just brings tears to my eyes. I miss that little lady so much.

Last week, my husband and I were blessed to have one of my Gramps‘ former basketball players and his wife at our house for an overnight stay. They were so close to my grandparents that they called them “Mama and Papa”. Hearing their stories of my grandparents and seeing the love in their eyes just touches my heart. My grandparents were the most amazing people and influenced so many lives. Even though I had over 40 years with them I wish I had more. I wish I would have had the pleasure of knowing my grandparents as young adults.

And now to continue on with my Letter to Gram….

Dear Gram,

After our trip to Florida where we met Jeff and Virginia to visit the family, we settled in for the northwest PA spring. That summer, I started working at Bill Lawrence Personal Fitness and took you with me many times. Everyone loved saying hi and chatting with you. You were such an inspiration because you had to climb up two flights of stairs to get to the gym every time we went. Thank you for letting me drag you along. I know it must have been more difficult and frustrating than you led on, but I think you enjoyed being around people even if they were 40 years younger than you.

Over the next three years, we had many great adventures. Jeff and I got more serious, and he asked us to move to Florida for most of the year. We became Sunbirds and started going to Florida for the winter and Pennsylvania in the summer. We flew more times those last five years of your life than you did the whole 91 years before. Even though you were becoming forgetful and on medication for dementia, you still remembered all of the family members and all of the former Alliance students as well. You were happy and willing to do almost anything we asked of you. Rarely did you show any frustration or anger.

In 2018, we lost my sister to cancer. You were upset that it was her and not you. You didn’t understand how or why these things were happening. We vowed to spend more time with the kids and mom in Virginia so we traveled up and down the highway even more.

Soon, you became less independent. I couldn’t leave you for an extended period of time. You started falling from time to time and once even had to get seven stitches put in your head. Jeff and I got engaged, and although we loved taking you with us, we wanted some time for just us. I remember starting to feel a bit resentful and frustrated about having to stay home with you (and boy, do I regret that now) when we couldn’t find anyone to relieve us of our caretaking duties. What I wouldn’t give to spend another beautiful day with you just chilling by the pool.

Even though we had many great talks in the bathroom, I was starting to get down. I wanted to travel more. I wanted to be able to pick up and go and not worry about finding someone to stay with you. I didn’t feel like I had any help except for my Prince, my cousin across the street, a wonderful friend from elementary school, and some amazing, caring teenagers. My caregiving job was getting harder and harder, and I felt like I was not being fair to you.

I feel terrible about how frustrated I would get sometimes with you. I didn’t know how to stop and breathe and just let it go. I didn’t know how to not be selfish. I didn’t want to resent my husband for getting to go while I had to stay home with you. And I didn’t want to resent you for having to stay home. And yes, I know there are worse things than having to sit and watch Wheel of Fortune with you. Honestly now, I wish you were here so we could relax by the pool while Jeff ran around like a gypsy!

I just wanted help. I wanted a granny nanny who could be on call when we needed her and who would treat you like we did. I know plenty of families who had nannies. Could it be that hard to find someone to stay with you? I didn’t think it would be.

We searched Care.com and interviewed tons of people. We found one lady who actually worked with you for about two weeks. I was so happy to have help and to have someone we could trust when we wanted to take a trip. But then she quit. We interviewed more people but no one seemed right for the job. I guess the task is different from asking someone to care for a child and asking someone to care for an elderly woman.

After discussions with mom and Jeff and after you fell again when I was on the other side of the pool, we decided that a senior living center was probably our only option. We wrote you a letter and you agreed that it was time to go. We told you that you would have your own apartment and you seemed really excited about it. We dropped you off and when we left you were all smiles. It was such a relief. I really hoped you would enjoy being in a place where you could relax and not be drug around with us. I was hoping you would make new friends and thrive in your new living environment. But the next three months were some of the most difficult for me and probably for you, too. Please know that leaving you in the senior living center was one of the hardest things I have had to do.

Deciding when to be a caregiver and when to give it up is a very personal and difficult decision. As a caregiver, you do need to put yourself and your relationships first. That way you can be the best caregiver to those you are caring for. There are many decisions to weigh and lots of options out there. Do what is best for you!

There is still one more letter…the story continues.