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The Dreaded “C” Word

January 19, 2021 6 Comments

I don’t remember where I was when my sister told me she had cancer. She was 37 years old. She felt a cyst. The doctors removed it and that’s when they discovered it was malignant. We were all in shock. We couldn’t believe this was happening. Our family went through a nine-year battle with lung cancer with my dad from 2003-2012. We couldn’t believe it was happening again.

The doctors could not find the primary source of my sister’s cancer, yet they wanted to treat it aggressively. She started treatment at the beginning of 2017. She had two major surgeries that spring. One which was over 20 hours. But she was so strong she pulled through and went home just a few days later even though we almost lost her on the table.

I couldn’t believe how strong she was as she battled cancer and went through treatment. She would have surgery and be home in the next few days taking care of her kids, working as a nurse, and being a great wife.

We all thought and prayed that she would kick cancer’s ass. She fought so hard but it seemed the more surgery they did, the more aggressive it became. In the end, she was hospitalized and became jaundice. She came home, and we tried to get her hospice care. She was coherent, loving, and talked about continuing the fight but she was very weak and her body was ravaged. I thought for sure she would get stronger. We talked about future plans and possible treatment options.

Although at times I regret I didn’t pack up Gram and leave PA sooner, I was glad we got to spend her last six days with her. My boyfriend (who later became my husband), and I tried to distract the kids from her failing health by taking them to the park. We continued to try to make life as normal as possible, but they knew something was terribly wrong.

Less than a week after she came home from the hospital, we lost her. We were all there by her side as she took her last breath. Her son was only two and a half so he didn’t really understand. Her daughter who was five was crushed as we all were. It was the most difficult thing I have had to watch. Even though we were there when my dad and my grandfather went, seeing such a terrible disease take such a young life was devasting.

Looking back I wonder if I could have or should have done something different. With my dad, I had nine years to process it. I came home as often as I could from Virginia to spend time with him. I went to Virginia as often as I could from Pennsylvania to see my sister, but looking back I wish I would have gone more. I just thought I would have more time. I never thought she would be gone in just 18 short months.

My advice to you is to take the time to do the things that are important to you. Don’t miss visiting family or friends because you are too busy or you are holding a grudge for some reason. Make the time. Seize the moment and enjoy it. You never know when that moment to see them will be gone.

In Family

Signs from Heaven

September 8, 2020 1 Comment

Some days it just hits you. Some days it’s a picture that pops up in your memories. Some days it’s a funny story you want to share. Some days it’s a cardinal that sits outside your window. Some days it’s a vivid dream. When you are open to it, there are signs from Heaven everywhere.

My grandparents always told me that when a cardinal was around it was a sign from Heaven. After some research on Ecosia, I found an article that stated “many people believe when a cardinal lands in your yard, an angel is near. Cardinals can remind you of a departed loved one and are known as the most notable spiritual messenger”. At our home in Pennsylvania, we have a bird feeder outside of our kitchen window. Every few weeks, we have cardinals that stop by for a bite to eat. Gram and I truly believe our lost loved ones are nearby, and Gram gets so happy when she sees them. These signs from Heaven seem to appear especially when we are feeling down, and they make us feel better.

I was working on the blog this summer and was getting more and more nervous as the launch date was approaching. For some reason, I started going through my old emails. I was trying to clear away some digital clutter and another sign from Heaven appeared. I had stumbled upon some old emails from my sister. At that moment, I was kind of shocked and in disbelief to see her name as the sender. I was also very relieved I hadn’t deleted them!

The few I read brought tears to my eyes. I miss her so much. I would write to her when I was feeling down, when I needed advice, and when I had good news to share. She would do the same. As you read in “Why I Launched on August 8”, I lost my sister, my best friend, a little over two years ago, and there will always be a hole in my heart where she belongs.

When I decided to quit my job and move to Thailand, she was my biggest supporter. She wrote in an email, “I am very supportive of you leaving and pursuing your dream. You have to do what is right for you.” It reminded me that I do have to follow my heart and my dreams. Another one stated, “Confidence, confidence, confidence! You just have to believe! Just remember that you are an amazing woman!” Those words were exactly what I needed. I believe it was her way of sending me encouragement from Heaven. I realize I have lots of love and support from my AMAZING husband, friends, and family, but having my sister’s support was number one, and it hurts my heart that she isn’t here to give me her words of advice.

When you lose loved ones you can give up. You can cry every day. You can blame God. You can blame others. I can’t tell you why these terrible things happen to very wonderful people. All I can tell you is that they are still with you and watching over you, so look for those signs from Heaven. Which ones have you seen?

I believe I will see my family again someday and that gives me hope. I also realize I can’t go on not living because I have lost. All I can do is realize life is very, very short and it can be gone in a blink of an eye. So be happy. Take steps to make changes if you are not. Enjoy life. Smile a lot. Take time for the little things. Don’t wait until tomorrow. And don’t wait for someone else to do it for you.

In Family

Why I Launched on August 8

August 11, 2020 No Comments

On August 8^th, when I was three years old, I got the gift of a little sister. I am sure I only picked on her a few times throughout our childhood. Needless to say, although we were a few years apart, we got along very well and became best friends. She went with me wherever I went. Maybe I was made to take her, but I enjoyed every minute with her.

We grew up in a town where many of the kids in my grade had younger siblings in her grade. We grew up in a town where most of the parents were in the same social class and made about the same amount of money. We grew up in a town where there wasn’t a lot of diversity, but no one was cultural bias either. We grew up in a town where kindergarten students rode the bus with seniors in high school and it wasn’t a big deal because everyone had an older cousin to keep an eye on them. We grew up in a town where we walked home safely from school. We grew up in a town where we played outside until dark. We grew up in a town where most parents knew each other and a lot of them even went to school together.

As you read in “How Did I Get Here“, my sister and I grew up close to our grandparents. We took family trips together. We took Catholic school classes together. She was my best friend. I went off to college and even though I was only 30 minutes away, I think she felt left behind.

After college, I moved away. After a few months in California, I ended up in Virginia. I begged her to follow me after she graduated, and three years later, she did. I told her you can always go back but if you don’t take the plunge and move away after college, you may never go.

We played sports together through River City Sports and Social Club and Richmond Volleyball Club. She eventually got a job teaching in the same county where I was working. She coached volleyball, I coached basketball, and we coached JV softball together. She was an inspiration to the girls, and we both had a “work hard, be respectful, make good grades” coaching style. We enjoyed the girls, and I think they enjoyed us.

Our dad was fighting lung cancer at the time and after five years of teaching, she decided she wanted to go back to our hometown in Northwestern Pennsylvania to get her nursing degree. She moved back home and helped with Dad for almost two years. After she finished her nursing degree, she decided to come back to Virginia.

She got a job at one of the local hospitals. It was there where she met her husband, who was a frequent visitor because his mother was there battling Crohn’s Disease. After three years of dating, they got married. My dad made it to her wedding day and had enough strength to walk her down the aisle without his cumbersome oxygen tank. In May 2012, he took his last breath. My mom, sister, and I were there to hold his hand as he rose into the afterlife. Although he didn’t get to see his first grandchild, he knew my sister was pregnant. A few months later, she gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. Three years later, my nephew was born.

In December 2016, we got the most horrifying news. My sister had a cyst. When they removed it, they found out it was malignant. We couldn’t believe it and didn’t want to go through another battle with cancer.

I was so sure she would beat it. Our father fought lung cancer for eight years and even lived another year with a collapsed lung. I had no doubt she would have at least nine more years here on Earth.

But I was wrong. In May 2018, we (my mom, brother-in-law, and myself) surrounded her as she took her last breath at the young age of 38. I am not sure why God took her. It makes me so sad, mad, and upset. I don’t understand his plan. Her body was ravaged by a cancer that could never be pinpointed. It spread like wildfire. It was devastating. I am thankful she is no longer suffering, but I miss my best friend every day. I miss her advice. I miss her kind heart. I miss her smile. I miss her for the children, her husband, and our mother.

I launched on August 8th, my sister’s birthday, in her honor and memory. She will forever live in my heart, giving me strength and inspiring me every time I look at her pictures and those two little children of hers.

sibling loss

The Dreaded “C” Word

Signs from Heaven

Why I Launched on August 8

Missing Gram

Letter to Gram