No matter how old you are or where are you in life you can set your sights on a new goal. You can go on a new adventure. You can dream a new dream.
“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”
– Malala Yousafzai
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash
Tuesday, May 23rd, marked 11 years since we lost my dad. He had been battling stage III lung cancer for nine years. He had a tumor wrapped around his pulmonary artery. They could not operate but he wouldn’t have let them anyway. It’s hard to believe he started fighting cancer when he was just 52 years old.
He went through chemotherapy and radiation like a champ. He lost his hair and eyebrows for a brief period of time but that was it. He continued working and drove several hours a day to work and to chemo.
In his nine-year battle with cancer, he seemed to be in remission while other times he seemed tired and in pain. I am not sure how cancer works, I just know it sucks. My sister and I were living in Virginia at the time. We went home as often as we could, but we both worked full time and had made our lives in Virginia. My sister taught five years and was getting discouraged with it. She decided to go home and finish her nursing degree in 2007. In 2008, she moved back to Virginia because dad was doing really well. As he went up and down so did we. We talked to other doctors, and we got second opinions. I was really hoping that the John Kanzius radio frequency transmitter trial would takeoff and that dad could be a part of it. The researcher passed away in 2009, and I haven’t heard any more about it. The radio waves seemed promising to say the least. It would use radio waves to destroy the cancer cells without destroying the human body.
In May 2011, the tumor grew bigger and my dad’s lung collapsed. He was rushed to the hospital, and we rushed home from Virginia. He hung on and a few days later he came home in Hospice Care. He was on oxygen full time, and we were not sure how long he would make it. All we knew was that he didn’t want to be in the hospital anymore. He wanted to be home with his family, on his couch.
My sister and I had to get back to Virginia so we could only stay so long. My dad continued to amaze us. In less than a month he was turning the liters of oxygen down. He looked like a normal person again instead of a shell of the man he was. At this time my sister was engaged. She was getting married in September, and I think my dad was determined to be there to walk her down the aisle.
That summer we were in amazement. Hospice was wonderful and got him portable oxygen tanks so he could travel. He went to Florida and to Virginia several times. We had no doubts he would make it to the wedding.
September 10th came and there was my dad all dressed up in his tuxedo. We were so proud of him. He didn’t want to pull his portable tank down the aisle so he had it in the back until it was time to walk my beautiful sister to her groom. Then someone took it to the front pew for him. He walked her down with no oxygen. It was amazing. He was such a strong man. What an inspiration!
As time moved on, the cancer continued to beat him up. He was up and down and my sister and I were home and not home. We knew “the call” would be coming soon we just weren’t sure when.
I came home for spring break that next year. Dad seemed pretty good. We did errands but he got weak and very tired easily. I went home but about a month later we got the call. Mom was very concerned. She wasn’t sure how long he would last. I was able to take some time off so I headed home. He still seemed okay the first few days I was there. I told my sister to stay home and come up on the weekend. He tricked me for sure. She got there late that Friday. They all laughed and talked in the kitchen. But then about 5am dad woke up and couldn’t breathe. We had the priest come and do the anointing of the sick. The next day he was quit talking and went mute.
His brothers came to see him but he seemed to be a shell of himself. I guess the cancer had spread into his brain at this point. I am not sure. It was so sad, and we didn’t know what to do. We waited and waited. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, into Tuesday. My brother-in-law had to go home to work. The rest of us stayed with him in the living room, sleeping on the floor, praying, waiting for him to be released from the pain.
Then it happened at about 11:45pm on May 22 he took his last breath. The Hospice team did not arrive until after midnight so his official day of death is May 23. My mom, my sister and I held his hands and told him we would be okay. He finally let go. He was out of pain. I didn’t want him to go but it was heartbreaking seeing him him in so much pain.
My sister was pregnant at the time, and I know my dad wanted nothing more than to be a grandpa. Although he didn’t get to see my niece here on Earth I know he watches down on her from Heaven. I know he is so proud of his two grandchildren. I am sure he sees himself in both of them. They got his sense of adventure, his determination, his hard work ethic, and his sweet smile.
If you have ever been in the same room with someone when they pass onto the next life, you know what it is like. Even though it’s been 11 years, I can still picture the exact moments we shared as a family for those final days. I am grateful that all four of us could be together. It must have been how my father wanted to go.
It still stings every May even after 11 years. If I let myself think about it I could cry on and on. I could be angry and upset that his life was taken at the young age of 60. I could be upset that he didn’t get to enjoy retirement or be the most amazing grandpa. I could be bitter that he didn’t get to walk me down the aisle to My Prince. And honestly some days I am all of that, but I know I need to be grateful. I need to be thankful for the 36 years I had with him. I need to be conscious of how I live my life, and I need to not take life for granted. Life is short, my friends. Don’t wait for something to happen. Make it happen. Be you. Be inspired. Be strong. Be adventurous!
A few weeks ago, I wrote about all the wonderful girlfriends in my life. I have known most of these women for a long time. Therefore, we have been through several stages of life together. We have gone through elementary school, the awkward middle school years, the fun high school years, and then into adulthood. Some of us got married, some had children, and some of us went to college. Sometimes we went our separate ways, but eventually, we found our way back into each other’s lives.
These women are some of the toughest women I know. They aren’t afraid to take chances. They aren’t afraid to go somewhere by themselves. They aren’t afraid to try new things. I have found that almost all of my closest friends pride themselves on being independent and being able to take care of themselves and their families.
As we go through life we learn lessons whether by choice or by circumstance. Even my girlfriends who are married still have a sense of independence. One of my best friends tells her husband, “I don’t NEED you, I WANT you by my side.” Isn’t that how it should be? Many of us don’t NEED each other. We like having people by our side. We like having companionship. We like having someone to talk to in the morning. But if someone wasn’t there somehow we would survive. Maybe we would have to work a little harder to get where we want to go, but we’d figure it out.
Sometimes it’s hard to compromise and allow yourself to be taken care of, especially if you have been single for a long time or if you have had to do a lot of things on your own. You learned how to make your own money, you learned how to unclog your own toilet, and you learned how to smash that big bug on your floor. So once you take that step and say “I do” you have to learn the art of compromise and communication to make that marriage work. I have known many people who are married yet very lonely.
As you know it took me a while to find My Prince. What I was afraid of was giving up my independence or losing myself. The best thing about being a Pilot’s Wife is when he goes to work for long periods of time I need to make decisions about household items, I need to fix things that may break, and I need to kill little creatures who try to invade our home. But when he is home, he gets to squash the bugs, handle the decisions, and fix the things that have gone wrong.
What I see in all of us women is sometimes a dilemma. Many of us were independent women for a period of time. We developed our routine, we became set in our ways, and we learned how to be alone and not lonely.
Eventually what we need to learn is how to let others take care of us. Sometimes it’s so hard and because we were so independent we see this as weak. We know we can do all of it on our own. Why would we need help? We don’t need anyone to put gas in our car. We don’t need anyone to help us run the power tools. We don’t need anyone to get the glass on the top shelf for us.
But what we need to learn is that it is okay to let another person treat us right. It is okay for your husband to wash your car for you. It is okay for your friend to take your car and fill it with gas. It is okay for your partner to get that glass down that you couldn’t reach without a step stool.
Even though it’s hard we need to learn grace. We also need to realize that we all are getting older. We all may face a point in time when we are not physically able to take care of ourselves. We need to learn that is okay to ask for help and it is okay to let someone else do things for us. We need to let these generous humans take care of us. It’s what they truly want to do. Sometimes we need to let our significant others treat us like the princesses we dreamed we were destined to become when we were little.
So the next time your partner offers to make you a cup of coffee in the morning say, “Wow babe, that would be awesome, thank you” instead of channeling your independent self and saying, “No, that’s okay I can do it.” Allowing yourself to be spoiled from time to time doesn’t make you less of an independent woman. Let’s learn to find that balance because someday even if we don’t want to, we may need to rely on others for help.
Photo by Doug Tunison on Unsplash
I just enjoyed my second trip to Hawaii! The first time I spent two days in Maui-one with friends and one with my hubby- and three days in Honolulu with my Prince. This time My Rock and I spent three days in Maui and two in Honolulu.
On our first trip together we did many touristy activities. He took me to Pearl Harbor and a Luau. We went to Waikiki Beach and the Royal Hawaiin Hotel. We hiked 13 Crossings as well as another trail. We saw sea turtles, beautiful beaches, and amazing sunsets.
Jeff is getting more senior in his job so he is able to hold some amazing trips. The Hawaii trips are some of the best. They stay oceanside at a great hotel called the Andaz in Maui. Although it’s a long day of flying for me for just a few days, it’s totally worth it!
This is only the fourth time I’ve been able to meet him on a layover in the six years we have been together. Many times the layovers are too short or too far away. Even though we had to cancel some plans which I feel terrible about, we decided to have a mini belated Birthday adventure together in Hawaii. I flew on Delta from Fort Myers to Atlanta to Los Angeles to Kahului. I arrived in Maui around 9 pm. I was exhausted after a long travel day but was able to check in and get some sleep.
We woke up the next day and decided to take a walk along the beach. It’s so beautiful there. We had a little bite to eat and decided to make Friday a day of rest and lounging by the pool. That afternoon we went to Maui Brewing Company for a few beers. What a great brewery that is! I highly recommend it. We came home early and went to bed.
The next day we worked out and decided to borrow a truck from our friends who live in Hawaii. We started driving on the Road to Hana. I was nervous at first but we didn’t go all the way to Hana and although the road was windy and single lane at some points, it was fine. We stopped a few times and hiked. We did the Waikamoi Ridge Trail, Twin Falls, and one other in Ko’olau-West Makaiwa. The bamboo in the forests was awesome and the waterfalls are beautiful. What a wonderful place.
On our way back we stopped at Mama’s Fish House. Jeff’s aunt recommended it, and we read that it can take 6 months to get a reservation. Someone told us to ask to sit at the bar. We pulled in and even though the sign said “Bar Full”, the valet said there are some spaces, come on in. We were so excited. The restaurant is right on the water. It has amazing woodwork throughout and is welcoming and quaint. The food was absolutely delicious. I had Kanpachi and Jeff had toothfish. Sooooo good!
Then we stopped in a little town called Paia. Ululani’s was another recommended spot for Hawaiian shave ice. It was good but not sure shave ice is my thing. I think I like soft-serve custard like Hank’s Frozen Custard in Northwest Pennsylvania much better. We came back to the hotel and had planned to sit out by the pool but we were so exhausted we fell asleep right away.
Sunday we had a lazy morning of coffee on our patio. We did a CrossFit workout full of pull-ups, push-ups, and squats. Then we went for a walk into Kihei and had Thai food for breakfast. Then we walked back. We headed for the pool and had some delicious Polomas. We then went out for another delicious dinner at Monkeypod Kitchen. It was another early night because my love had to get up for work early that next morning.
I also was getting up early and getting on a Southwest flight from Maui to Honolulu. The flight was quick and easy. Jeff ended up getting delayed and didn’t make it to Honolulu until the early afternoon. The great thing was that two ski club friends were also on a layover so I had some people to hang out with. I did a quick workout and met up with them at the Cream Pot. We had a great breakfast and could bring our own champagne for mimosas. We then walked around a bit and went to the Harbor Pub. Eventually, we made it back to the hotel and met up with my hubby.
We went back to Waikiki Beach and enjoyed the warm weather. After a few hours, we headed back to the hotel so we could get ready and be on time for the amazing happy hour upstairs on the 36th floor of Ala Moana Hotel. There was already a line when we got back but we could go from our rooms and that we did. Our friends got a table, and we enjoyed some great steaks and meals.
Our friends had to go to bed early but Jeff and I managed to get two seats at the piano. We chatted with the piano player and listened to some great music. It was the perfect ending to our trip. Jeff had to leave the next morning but we had some Starbucks together. I enjoyed a few more hours by the pool, had a quick cold shower, and walked around the Ala Moana Center for some last-minute shopping.
All in all, my two trips to Hawaii have been pretty amazing. Even though we live in Florida and it’s like going from one paradise to another, it’s a different kind of paradise. The water is a beautiful blue, the scenery is breathtaking, and the food is delicious.
As you have read, My Rock and I go skiing once a month from December through April. On these ski weeks, most of the airlines compete by racing down the mountain on skis or a snowboard. Although our team does not race, we enjoy the spirit of friendship and fun that occurs throughout the week. We like to ski together and relax on the mountain.
Each week NAASF gives awards to the racers in different levels and events. At the end of every season, they give the most important and prestigious award called the “Spirit of NAASF Award”. This award goes to someone who exemplifies the passion for skiing as well as the spirit of friendship and camaraderie. The winner gets a plague as well as a HUGE trophy to display for the year. My Valentine received over 13 nominations for the award and was given the award at Palisades in March 2022. Here are just a few excerpts from those nominations.
As you can see, this guy is one of a kind. If you don’t know him well, I hope that you would open your hearts to his spirit of fun and friendship. He will support you in everything you do. This award means so much to him. Last year was the first time he was nominated, and he won! He has taken such pride in growing his ski and snowboard club from one member to over 142 on the email list. Each month there are new members as well as members who decide to come who haven’t been in years as well as the regulars who come every season. It is such a great mix of people.
I have only been a member of the ski club for five years, but I have met some amazing people and made some lasting friendships. I also look to see who my flight crew is when we travel, hoping to see one of them in the air instead of on the mountain, but that hasn’t happened yet.
This group of people is amazing. Yes, they all talk a lot and you have to interrupt to get your turn, but they are some of the most fun, laid-back, and generous people I know. Everyone gets along and there is no judgment on how you ski or board. Everyone just wants to enjoy the beauty around them and appreciate that they have the skill and physical ability to make it down the mountain.
This week my sweet love will have to give up his trophy to the next Spirit of NAASF award winner. Although we won’t be able to make the ski week, we wish the best of luck to all nominees, and we hope everyone has so much fun!
Isn’t it interesting how people act? I have always loved people watching, but I guess I never really thought about why they act the way they do or say the things they say. Lately, I have been more intrigued by the why of people’s actions. Through therapy, I have learned that many times when people say or do hurtful things, it has more to do with them and their internal struggles than actually with me. It is hard at times, but I have learned that their words and actions cannot hurt me if I don’t let them.
For example, I heard the other day someone say my husband and I were not good caregivers to Gram. Wow. Can you believe that? It’s actually pretty comical. I guess it did stop me in my tracks for a second. I had a few responses forming in my head of what I really wanted to say to this person. But I took a deep breath and decided if that person is that unhappy that she has to tell tall tales then she doesn’t deserve a reaction from me. I decided her words can’t hurt me. I know that we took the best care of Gram and that Gram was grateful for every minute. Honestly, I feel sad for this person. To be so miserable that you need to talk behind someone’s back must be an awful way to live. I hope she can find peace and happiness somehow.
Photo by Vitolda Klein on Unsplash
I have another friend who has had some family issues in the past and the last straw was when her sibling went to jail. She has a good job and the family has asked for money, which she has given in the past but it did not help. It was not spent in the way it was asked. She has decided to try to help in other ways. Just sending money doesn’t really do anyone any good, especially when they have used that money in the past for ill intent. Her family disagrees with this decision and doesn’t appreciate the other actions she is taking. The other thing that hurts is the family members calling and asking for money is the only communication my friend receives. Does the family call to see how she is doing? Does the family call just to chat? Does the family call to check on her kids or grandkids? Well, the answer is no.
Does this hurt my friend’s feelings? Of course, it does. But should it? No. My friend is a wonderful, loving, and generous person. She wants to be more than a bank but for some reason, her family does not see her that way. It is not my friend’s fault, and even though it’s hard she needs to realize she is doing what is best for her (and probably for the family). If her family cannot see that she cares about them without giving them money then that is their loss. Yes, it is easier said than done, especially with family. You want to be a part of your family. You want to smile and laugh with them. You want to have a great relationship with them. But if you don’t act the way they demand or request, they make you out to be “the bad guy”, which is so sad.
It can be hard when some family members make more money than others. Some people feel that the one that makes more needs to give more to the others. Hmm, is this true? Is this the way it should be? Because you worked hard and sacrificed to achieve a great career you need to support others who made different choices, sometimes poor choices. We all have free will. Yes, maybe some people’s career choices are more lucrative than others, and that’s what makes the world go round. I chose the education field as my profession. Did I think I would get rich from teaching? Not in the money sense. But I made good choices with the money I made. I had a stable job and great benefits. I was able to own my own house and car and was able to do the activities I wanted to do. I didn’t live beyond my means, and yes, sometimes I made the choice to give up a few luxuries. But in the end that allowed me to save money to spend on travel which was my true passion.
So why is it that if you don’t behave the way your family wants you to they talk behind your back? Why do they try to get everyone on their side because of something you did or didn’t do? And why if they are hurt can’t they pick up the phone and have an adult conversation about their feelings with you? I don’t quite understand why people feel it is ok to say terrible things behind someone’s back but then smile at them the next time they see them and pretend nothing is wrong. And why just pretend? Why not have a real conversation? Don’t people want to know both sides of the story?
What I think might be happening is that my friend and I are happy. We have great relationships with our husbands, wonderful kids, and great friends. We live life, and we have fun. I think others see this on social media, and then they get jealous because they themselves are not happy. They don’t have a happy life or marriage. They don’t have good friends surrounding them. So, therefore, instead of being supportive and happy they spew hate and hurtful words. I am not sure why. Why not be happy for and proud of that family member who has found success and happiness? I understand being envious but why write that person off instead of enjoying them and their success? I just don’t understand.
It is funny when people make assumptions based on social media. Some people put all their drama on there, positive or negative. Whatever you do, it is your choice. I would think most people know that social media isn’t the whole story. Yes, my friend and I have amazing times together and with other friends, but do we have days when we are down? Do we have stress at work or with other family members? Do we have difficult decisions to make? Of course! We don’t post every feeling we have every day. EVERYONE has struggles. EVERYONE deals with those struggles differently. Decide how you want to react.
I understand some people get caught up in addiction whether it be drugs or alcohol. Therefore, it is hard to make good life choices. They spend their money on the addiction instead of getting a better car, taking a trip or even paying their bills. Life is all about making choices. And with those choices come consequences. I can make the choice to drink and drive, or I can make the choice to drink and take an Uber. If I decided to drink and drive and got pulled over then I would need to suffer the consequences of those actions. It would be nobody’s fault but my own.
It is not fair to lay blame on others because you are unhappy. What you need to do is reevaluate your life. Reinvent yourself. Make better choices. Make choices that make you happy. You cannot rely on anyone else anything for happiness. Happiness is within you. You have the opportunity to spread kindness. You can spread good karma and that karma will come back around on you. Make good choices and spread the love!
Photo by Millo Lin on Unsplash
For those who are in this position with ungrateful friends or family members, keep your head up. Live life to the fullest and don’t let others deflate your balloon. Hopefully, they will find their way. If not, let them live in their sad, depressed world. You be You.
Cover photo by Ben White on Unsplash
I hope you have an amazing Christmas day with friends and family! I didn’t want to leave you out in the cold (:)) without a little winter workout!
This one is done like the 12 days of Christmas. You start with 1. Then do 2 then 1. Then do 3, 2, and 1. Work up until you do 12 all the way down to 1. Here are the moves.
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash
Two weeks ago, I went to one of my best friend’s daughter’s wedding at the beach. It’s hard to believe my friends’ children are now old enough to be getting married. But I guess the older they get the older we get. How can it be??
There are four of us from my home town who are very close. We have known each other since Kindergarten, and we have kept in touch throughout the years. Even though our paths have gone different ways when we get together it’s like nothing has changed. And honestly, even though it’s been 28 years since we graduated high school I still feel like we all look and act the same! So how any of us have young adult children is beyond me.
When I moved back to my hometown in 2016 I had the pleasure of coaching two of my best friends’ daughters in softball. It was a lot of fun to get to know my friends again and to get to know their mini me’s. I am so proud of them for raising such wonderful kids. Their children are happy, confident, and funny. I know they had hard times and probably thought they would lose it now and again, but I hope they feel a sense of accomplishment and hope for their little ones. I feel like their children are some of the sweetest, smartest, and most compassionate people I know. And hopefully, my friends know it’s because of the hard work they put in. And I like that the kids like to hang out with us! (Even if we embarrass them a time or two!)
It’s amazing how fast time goes! I remember when they were born! And now they are growing up and starting their adult lives. I am beyond happy for all of them.
The wedding was in Sandbridge, Virginia. The weather was absolutely perfect all weekend. The sky was breathtaking and the pictures were amazing. The bridal party and families stayed in a huge house right on the beach. We stayed in another one called the “Stupa.” A few other family members stayed close by. It was such a nice relaxing weekend. (For us anyway:))
I also realized as old as we get, we will probably never grow up. We had so much fun at the reception around the pool that evening. We sang we danced, we laughed, we gasped when the “kids” played some songs with some very shocking lyrics, and we even shed some tears. One of my friends and I sang one of our favorites by the Jets called “Crush on You“. Everyone must have been a little tipsy because no one told us how awful we sounded! We knew every word by heart and decided we need to repeat the performance at the hometown reception later in October. We might even add some dance moves.
I can’t say enough how much I appreciate these friendships with these amazing women. We have been there for each other through thick and thin. We have suffered loss, had health scares, had weddings, and been through divorces. There is no one I would rather do it with than these three. Love you, ladies!
Here is the End of my letter to Gram. If you missed it, start from the beginning with Letter to Gram then Part II Change, and Part III Frustration. We felt we couldn’t take good care of Gram anymore so we made the difficult decision of putting her in a memory care unit.
Dear Gram,
They told us not to come back for two weeks. I am not sure that was the best thing for you but we followed directions. When I came back you were very upset with me for putting you into the home. It was the only time in my life where I have seen you that upset and that mean. You were so upset. It was a sight I never wanted to see again. Of course, it made me doubt everything we were doing.
I didn’t want to put you into a home. I wanted to keep you with us. I wanted to keep taking you on new adventures, and I wanted you to live to be 100 years old! I thought if anyone could make it, you could.
You were in the home for about three months. Sometimes you seemed really happy there and others you were sad and wanted to come home. They told us they usually had a lot of activities with music and socializing but because of Covid-19 they couldn’t do it. I don’t know if these activities would have helped you. I don’t know if you would have participated or not. You only told us that everyone in there was old and all they did was sleep! Pretty funny coming from a 96-year-old who enjoyed napping as well. But you were used to being with people half your age so I understood where you were coming from.
In January, Jeff and I went skiing. Within our travels, we ended up getting Covid. We didn’t want to spread it through the senior living center so it was another 10 days before I could see you. I came back the day you got your second Covid vaccine. You took it like a champ, and we spent a few hours enjoying the sunshine on the back patio. I shared pictures of our ski trip and you told me how much you missed the snow. Then you told me to go home.
That evening we were out to eat when we got another dreaded phone call. You had fallen and hit your head. We raced to the hospital to be with you. Because of Covid, I was the only one allowed to go back into the room with you. I was seriously disappointed in the senior living center. They called me and said they were taking you to the ER. When I got there no one was with you. They just handed the ER nurse some paperwork and let you go. You had dementia. Yes, you would know your name and your date of birth but you couldn’t tell them what happened. You didn’t know. You barely remembered that you fell when I got there. I am so grateful that I was in town so that I could come to be with you. It astonishes me the way these facilities treat people and just send them to the hospital alone.
You were so scared and blood was all in your hair. After several x-rays and scans, the doctor told me your head was alright but you broke your right hip again. And since you already had it replaced once there was nothing they could do but give you pain meds and send you back home.
I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to take you home so bad and I think that is part of my regret and guilt. I think that is why I am having such a hard time letting you go. I knew the only chance of you getting better was if I took you home and nursed you back to health. And I was so torn. Did you want to stay on Earth with us? Or were you tired of getting drug around from place to place? I was scared also that I would be back to 24-hour care. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to help you. How much could I take on? How much could you take of trying to rehab your hip again? Would you survive it? We decided to take you back to the senior living center.
We met you back at the senior living place. We told all of the staff that your hip was broken and to please tell the next shift. We gave them the order for pain meds. It was the middle of the night so I was not hopeful that any of this would happen.
I came the next morning and again told the staff about your hip. The meds hadn’t been ordered yet. We did get you up and in your wheelchair. Your leg was swollen you were in a lot of pain. I am sorry if we did too much too soon. The doctor did not give us any instructions. He just said it would be painful but to try to make you move. I didn’t want you to just lay there but I don’t know how much we should have moved you either. I was at a loss.
The new head nurse at the facility was not a nice person, and she was not happy that you were back in their care. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I was afraid you were going to get kicked out. And maybe that would have been the best thing to happen. The next two weeks were awful. You were in so much pain. The staff was mishandling you, and I felt helpless. Hope Hospice was wonderful. They came and took care of you and tried the best they could to keep you comfortable. You just wanted to go home. And I am truly sorry that I didn’t bust you out and bring you home sooner. Two weeks later, you were gone.
The day before you passed I made arrangements to bring you home. I couldn’t take you being in that home anymore. And I felt so guilty for not taking you home right away. You weren’t eating, you were fading away. You were barely talking. You said they were mishandling you. You were pissed at me. I knew I had to do something. Hospice again was wonderful and made arrangements for a hospital bed in the home. You would be there the next day. I had it set up so you could look outside and see the pool. I was so glad you were coming home. We came back and visited you again that evening.
But we were too late. At 4:30 am on February 24, 2021, I got the phone call. You were gone. My heart was broken. I know they say people go when they want to go. Maybe you didn’t want to burden me to care for you 24/7 again. Maybe you didn’t want to put me through the pain of watching another family member enter Heaven from home. Maybe you would have made it if I would have done it a day, two days, or a week earlier. I don’t know the answers to these questions. I just know from my own guilt that I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to be there to hold your hand when you took your last breath. I wanted you to be in your favorite spot right by the pool one more time. I wanted Kuma, the crazy cat, to be snuggled beside you, too. But these are my wants and my guilts and honestly, I don’t know how to get over them. I am so so sorry that I wasn’t there for you in those final moments like you were always there for me. Please forgive me.
So, there you have it, my letter to Gram. All of my guilts and thoughts and failures. And there are so many who have told me that I gave her five wonderful years that she wouldn’t have had without me and in my head, I know she was tired of fighting and being dragged around by us and just wanted to be with her “daddy” (as she called Gramps) in Heaven, but my heart hurts so bad sometimes I can’t take it. I just miss her so much. I miss her cute smile, her laugh, and her positive attitude.
And in my head, I know that bringing her home earlier may not have made any difference. Not putting her into Senior Care may not have made a difference or may have had a more terrible outcome. I guess all I can say is that I am sorry that I disappointed you, Gram. I love you with all my heart and miss you terribly. Please forgive me.
Life is short. Who do you want to be? How do you want to live? Once you decide, take action to be that person.
The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
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