caregiver journey Archives - Page 3 of 8 - Inspired & Strong | Making the Best of Every Day with Stacy

My Grandfather

February 7, 2023 No Comments

This past Saturday marked seven years since my grandfather took his last breath. My mom, gram, and I were there by his side. He had been on the decline for a while but it really showed the last month of his life and that last week. He couldn’t eat or drink. He quit talking, and anyone who knows him knows that he was a talker! We asked the priest from our hometown to come to deliver the anointing of the sick per our Catholic traditions. Even though she couldn’t be there in person, my sister was able to participate by phone. It seemed the end was near.

I couldn’t believe we were going to lose him. He had just turned 90 and seemed so full of life. He loved spending Christmas with all of us in Virginia, and he loved going to Fort Myers afterward. Many of my favorite memories with them are driving them to and from Florida. Gram would be in the passenger seat with the Atlas on her lap and my grandfather in the backseat snoring.

He loved going to the condo in Fort Myers. He loved sitting out on the lanai eating breakfast and reading his newspaper. Their best friends lived in the condo across the street. Both couples were getting older and traveling was getting harder. My grandfather also loved calling people on his cell phone. He was always so loud. He would usually start every conversation with some kind of joke and then just start laughing hysterically. He loved to laugh. He also loved to eat which is why he had congestive heart failure and diabetes which ultimately led to his end.

I came home from Thailand on December 18, 2015. I wanted to see my newborn nephew as well as spend time with my grandparents that Christmas. We had a great few weeks together, making pierogies and getting ready for Christmas. The day after Christmas I was supposed to drive my grandparents to Fort Myers for the winter. But Christmas evening my grandfather didn’t look well, and my sister suggested he go to the emergency room. This was not good. I was supposed to leave on New Year’s Eve to head back to my teaching position. Those first few days I was so torn and it didn’t appear that Gramps was getting out of the hospital any time soon. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but after some discussion, I decided I had done enough traveling for the time being and would stay home and see where the journey led.

After a month in the hospital, visits from family, and time in rehab, Gram and I took my grandfather home to Pennsylvania in Hospice care. He wanted more than anything to go to Fort Myers, but I just couldn’t fathom driving with him for 16 hours by myself. He couldn’t even hold himself up let alone walk into rest areas or restaurants. How could I get him there and then get him into the condo? Against his wishes, we decided to take him seven hours home to PA. My cousin had to help me get him into the house. Boy, was that a fiasco! Thanks, cuz! But we got him in. Hospice came that afternoon, and they told us he would be ok. But a few days later, it seemed the end was inevitable.

I can’t believe it’s been seven years. How has so much time passed already? My grandfather was right there by my side for the first 40 years of my life. I am beyond blessed that during my childhood he and Gram lived two blocks from us. My grandfather would take my sister and me everywhere. My parents both worked as did Gramps but he was the one who had the flexibility in his schedule to pick us up from school. Once he scooped us, he would take us up to the gym, and we would mess around in the weight room or watch as his players practiced as he was the basketball coach at Alliance College. When it was nice out we would go on the field and throw the softball around. He was all about sports, and he didn’t care that we were girls. He was going to turn us into the best athletes possible.

He wasn’t always the gentle teddy bear, especially when it came to athletics. He would push us and demand we do better. He would even swear under his breath when we got it wrong or messed around. And as much pressure, as you may think that put on us, I wouldn’t have traded it for the world. He was the guy you didn’t want to disappoint. He was the guy you wanted to prove yourself to. He was the guy who would eventually tell you how proud he was of you.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t think about my grandfather a lot. I am not sure why. Maybe because I feel guilty for not taking him to Fort Myers. Maybe because I remember so many good times with him that it hurts to think about them. Maybe because I started caregiving for Sweet Gram right away and need to be strong for her. I don’t know. Or maybe he is just always right there that I don’t have to consciously think about him.

But always, I will cherish the memories of you, Gramps. I will look for all the signs from heaven that you are here and around me every day. I will celebrate the wonderful life you lived, and I will thank God this life had you for 90 wonderful years. Miss you much!

In Family

Home Sweet Home

November 29, 2022 No Comments

After leaving our summer home on October 22 and traveling to Richmond and staying in Wilmington, NC for a month then going back to Richmond for the Thanksgiving holiday and then back to Wilmington and then to South Carolina I am FINALLY HOME! And it feels so good.

Our home in Florida is amazing. It’s paradise. There is nothing like our backyard. The morning sunrises are absolutely breathtaking, hence why my Prince and I got married at 8:30 in the morning! Lately, we have been wondering why we are never here when we have such an amazing place to be.

Driving in yesterday was a different feel. We usually acknowledge things that are different after we’ve been gone for the summer. Usually, new buildings have gone up or new stoplights have been installed. Yesterday, I noticed how the downtown marina is still not there. How the boats are piled upon the shore. How there are still sticks, palm fronds, and household contents along the curb all the way home. It seems they are working so hard but there is so much “stuff” to clean up after Hurrican Ian. It gives me a sense of hope but also a sense of how much damage was done, and it makes me sad.

It makes me wonder how long it will take to clean up and rebuild Fort Myers. When we came down for 11 days for Hurricane Ian cleanup, we mostly stayed around our neighborhood. It was great to see such community and to get to know our neighbors better as we were all out helping each other. We have not been down to the beach area yet, and although I have seen pictures, I know it’s going to be devastating to see it in person.

Well, Fort Myers, we are strong, and we will be back bigger and better than ever! For now, I count my blessings that we have a beautiful home to enjoy. I am beyond blessed that I have a bed to sleep in and a beautiful view to wake up to.

In Adventures with Gram

Happy 98 Years Gram!

September 13, 2022 No Comments

Today would have been Gram’s 98th Birthday! She was only a year and a half short. What an amazing life she lived and what wonderful things she saw over those 96 years. Can you even imagine all the changes that occurred from 1924 to 2021???

Speaking of change, a few things have changed since Gram left us here on Earth. My Rock and I bought Gram’s House from my mom last year right before Gram’s birthday. When we got here this summer, we decided to update a few things around. We wanted to make the house a little bit more “ours” and a little less “grandparent-looking”. I started by painting some of Gram’s old furniture. I used an oil-based primer called Stix and Red Ochre Chalk paint. We didn’t want to spend money on furniture that wasn’t really needed, but we wanted a fresher look. Although I am not much of an artist, I think they turned out pretty good if I do say so myself! Changing paint color and hardware can make such a difference. We also got a new dining room table and chairs from Jeff’s mom as well as some new area rugs that have really made a difference. One of my very good friends helped me reupholster the chairs. I could have never done it without her! I think they are awesome!

We hired a contractor and had a beadboard ceiling installed in our three bedrooms and little bathroom. We had those rooms and the front room painted. Jeff also did some work on our front porch. We had a new carpet installed, and he updated the posts that were falling apart. We also changed the door handles from gold to bronze and updated the electrical outlets from cream to white. No one probably will ever notice except for us but we love the little changes!

Another project that we loved was restoring a picture I found in my grandparents’ basement. It had some mold and water damage to it but it was a beautiful picture of the Hotel Rider. The Hotel Rider was a huge hotel that sat on the hill in Cambridge Springs, PA. It was constructed around 1895 but burned to the ground in 1931. My grandparents were very involved with Alliance College and the Hotel Rider became the college in 1912. Not sure where the picture came from but it was in pretty bad shape. We took the picture to Eva Art Conservation in northern Virginia hoping she could save it. She spent hours upon hours and a couple of years on our picture but the end product is absolutely amazing! She was wonderful to work with, and I highly recommend her if you need any art restored. I think Gram would be so happy that we have this beautiful picture hanging in our fireplace room. She used to tell stories of how she saw the hotel burning from her farm when she was seven years old. We even have pictures of the fire that we need to get framed.

Another change that occurred was the selling of Gram’s Condo. I was very torn about selling the condo. My grandparents loved going to the condo. It was such a part of them and it was the place where Jeff picked me up for our very first date. My therapist reminded me that since my grandparents are gone, I will not be making any more memories with them in the condo. The memories I have are already made and will always be with me. Although we loved having an extra spot for people to stay when they came to town, we decided it was time for it to go. We had started renting it in 2021 and just didn’t want to have to deal with the nonsense anymore.

We aren’t sure that we really need another “house” but Jeff and I are hoping to find something small in Richmond so we can be closer to my mom and the kids. Although I know my grandpa would be a little disappointed that we don’t have the condo anymore, I think he would be very happy that we want to be closer to family, and that we sold it at the top of the market.

So, Gram, I hope you have the most wonderful birthday up in Heaven celebrating 98 years. I know you will all be together for a great birthday bash! I hope you enjoy the changes we are making down here, and we wish you were here to see them for yourself. Please tell everyone we love and miss them. Can’t wait until you visit again either in my dreams or as a beautiful cardinal.

In Family

Communication

September 6, 2022 No Comments

Why is communication so hard? Telling someone what’s on your mind shouldn’t be that difficult. But somehow it is. Finding the right words is hard. But why? Isn’t it better than assuming what’s on someone’s mind and then realizing that’s not what they were thinking at all? Yet, we do it time and time again.

We hold our feelings inside. We are afraid of other people’s reactions. We are afraid if we speak the truth then they will be upset with us. But don’t we find when we do speak the truth the outcome is usually much more pleasant?

A lot of miscommunication starts with text messages. We don’t talk on the phone like we used to so people cannot read the inflection in other’s voices. We don’t spend as much time face-to-face, therefore, words are misread and feelings tend to get hurt.

It’s hard because texting is much easier in this busy, busy world. But then we just assume something and feelings get hurt. People don’t ask each other what’s going on and then time passes away and friendships get lost.

I am guilty of doing it myself. Rarely does something upset me but when it does, then I tend to hold onto it for a long time. I think because it takes a lot to hurt or offend me that when someone does, especially on purpose, it makes my blood boil. And it makes it hard for me to get over especially if they don’t take the first step in admitting they were wrong.

Many times it’s easier to let relationships go instead of putting in the work. I think that depends on what kind of relationship it is. If it’s a healthy friendship then yes, take a deep breath, suck it up and make the phone call. If it’s a toxic relationship then maybe it’s better to go your separate ways. Either way, evaluate, think about it, and decide what that relationship is worth to you.

In the end, communication is key in all relationships whether it’s in marriage, friendships, family, or another type of relationship. Telling someone you like their outfit, their hair, that you love them, or even just please and thank you can mean so much. So don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind. Speak loud and speak strong.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

In Adventures with Gram

Letter to Gram IV (The End)

August 30, 2022 No Comments

Here is the End of my letter to Gram. If you missed it, start from the beginning with Letter to Gram then Part II Change, and Part III Frustration. We felt we couldn’t take good care of Gram anymore so we made the difficult decision of putting her in a memory care unit.

Dear Gram,

They told us not to come back for two weeks. I am not sure that was the best thing for you but we followed directions. When I came back you were very upset with me for putting you into the home. It was the only time in my life where I have seen you that upset and that mean. You were so upset. It was a sight I never wanted to see again. Of course, it made me doubt everything we were doing.

I didn’t want to put you into a home. I wanted to keep you with us. I wanted to keep taking you on new adventures, and I wanted you to live to be 100 years old! I thought if anyone could make it, you could.

You were in the home for about three months. Sometimes you seemed really happy there and others you were sad and wanted to come home. They told us they usually had a lot of activities with music and socializing but because of Covid-19 they couldn’t do it. I don’t know if these activities would have helped you. I don’t know if you would have participated or not. You only told us that everyone in there was old and all they did was sleep! Pretty funny coming from a 96-year-old who enjoyed napping as well. But you were used to being with people half your age so I understood where you were coming from.

In January, Jeff and I went skiing. Within our travels, we ended up getting Covid. We didn’t want to spread it through the senior living center so it was another 10 days before I could see you. I came back the day you got your second Covid vaccine. You took it like a champ, and we spent a few hours enjoying the sunshine on the back patio. I shared pictures of our ski trip and you told me how much you missed the snow. Then you told me to go home.

That evening we were out to eat when we got another dreaded phone call. You had fallen and hit your head. We raced to the hospital to be with you. Because of Covid, I was the only one allowed to go back into the room with you. I was seriously disappointed in the senior living center. They called me and said they were taking you to the ER. When I got there no one was with you. They just handed the ER nurse some paperwork and let you go. You had dementia. Yes, you would know your name and your date of birth but you couldn’t tell them what happened. You didn’t know. You barely remembered that you fell when I got there. I am so grateful that I was in town so that I could come to be with you. It astonishes me the way these facilities treat people and just send them to the hospital alone.

You were so scared and blood was all in your hair. After several x-rays and scans, the doctor told me your head was alright but you broke your right hip again. And since you already had it replaced once there was nothing they could do but give you pain meds and send you back home.

I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to take you home so bad and I think that is part of my regret and guilt. I think that is why I am having such a hard time letting you go. I knew the only chance of you getting better was if I took you home and nursed you back to health. And I was so torn. Did you want to stay on Earth with us? Or were you tired of getting drug around from place to place? I was scared also that I would be back to 24-hour care. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to help you. How much could I take on? How much could you take of trying to rehab your hip again? Would you survive it? We decided to take you back to the senior living center.

We met you back at the senior living place. We told all of the staff that your hip was broken and to please tell the next shift. We gave them the order for pain meds. It was the middle of the night so I was not hopeful that any of this would happen.

I came the next morning and again told the staff about your hip. The meds hadn’t been ordered yet. We did get you up and in your wheelchair. Your leg was swollen you were in a lot of pain. I am sorry if we did too much too soon. The doctor did not give us any instructions. He just said it would be painful but to try to make you move. I didn’t want you to just lay there but I don’t know how much we should have moved you either. I was at a loss.

The new head nurse at the facility was not a nice person, and she was not happy that you were back in their care. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I was afraid you were going to get kicked out. And maybe that would have been the best thing to happen. The next two weeks were awful. You were in so much pain. The staff was mishandling you, and I felt helpless. Hope Hospice was wonderful. They came and took care of you and tried the best they could to keep you comfortable. You just wanted to go home. And I am truly sorry that I didn’t bust you out and bring you home sooner. Two weeks later, you were gone.

The day before you passed I made arrangements to bring you home. I couldn’t take you being in that home anymore. And I felt so guilty for not taking you home right away. You weren’t eating, you were fading away. You were barely talking. You said they were mishandling you. You were pissed at me. I knew I had to do something. Hospice again was wonderful and made arrangements for a hospital bed in the home. You would be there the next day. I had it set up so you could look outside and see the pool. I was so glad you were coming home. We came back and visited you again that evening.

But we were too late. At 4:30 am on February 24, 2021, I got the phone call. You were gone. My heart was broken. I know they say people go when they want to go. Maybe you didn’t want to burden me to care for you 24/7 again. Maybe you didn’t want to put me through the pain of watching another family member enter Heaven from home. Maybe you would have made it if I would have done it a day, two days, or a week earlier. I don’t know the answers to these questions. I just know from my own guilt that I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to be there to hold your hand when you took your last breath. I wanted you to be in your favorite spot right by the pool one more time. I wanted Kuma, the crazy cat, to be snuggled beside you, too. But these are my wants and my guilts and honestly, I don’t know how to get over them. I am so so sorry that I wasn’t there for you in those final moments like you were always there for me. Please forgive me.

So, there you have it, my letter to Gram. All of my guilts and thoughts and failures. And there are so many who have told me that I gave her five wonderful years that she wouldn’t have had without me and in my head, I know she was tired of fighting and being dragged around by us and just wanted to be with her “daddy” (as she called Gramps) in Heaven, but my heart hurts so bad sometimes I can’t take it. I just miss her so much. I miss her cute smile, her laugh, and her positive attitude.

And in my head, I know that bringing her home earlier may not have made any difference. Not putting her into Senior Care may not have made a difference or may have had a more terrible outcome. I guess all I can say is that I am sorry that I disappointed you, Gram. I love you with all my heart and miss you terribly. Please forgive me.

In Pilot's Wife

My Rock

August 23, 2022 No Comments

I know I have written about my Prince a few times, but these past few months have been extremely hard for us, and Jeff has been my rock. I don’t know what I would do without him. He is always there to listen, to love me, to tell me I am being too sensitive, and to support me when I need to scream. He picks me up when I am down. He squeezes me when all I need is a huge bear hug. I honestly don’t think I could have found a better match for myself. And I thank Sweet Gram every day for breaking her hip (the first time) which led us to Fort Myers so our path would cross with Jeff’s path.

Since March we have been dealing with a few different family situations. Some with his and some with mine. We have had to make some difficult decisions. We have had to make excessive travel plans. We have had to move things more than we have wanted to. And in doing this Jeff has been my rock. It has been a challenge to our relationship because we are dealing with so many outside factors. We know that all we can control is our attitude, our effort, and our actions. We know within all the chaos, we need to make time for ourselves. We need to put each other first (which at times we both forget) and work on solving problems together. Sometimes we need to consciously stop and check in with each other, which we do.

I think the hardest thing for us is that we both care a lot about our family. I think we both want that family like Blue Bloods where they sit down for their Sunday dinner and have difficult conversations but always support each other. We want everyone there. His family. My family. Even our family-in-law. We always want to be in two places at one time. (Probably more me than him because I have FOMO but….)

Jeff and I are finally realizing that if people want to spend time with us, they will make time for us. They will look for a way to get there to see us whether it’s to drive, fly, or meet us somewhere. Those that care will find a way and will make plans with us. And those that don’t, well we have learned it is their loss, not ours. And we realize that sometimes travel plans are hard to make but we also know where there is a will, there is a way.

Jeff and I are social beings. We love spending time with family and friends. We love being a part of a group and having a bond with others. When others welcome us with open arms, it makes us feel like we are on top of the world. We love spending time with people who love to laugh, who love to give, and who are interested in us and what we are doing or have done in our lives. We love those who love to live life to the fullest.

Although we have had some rough times we also have been very blessed to have some really amazing times with some really wonderful and amazing people. It’s sometimes hard to believe we have such wonderful friends and family we have in our lives. And it seems we just keep meeting more and more wonderful human beings. I cannot thank everyone enough who have welcomed us with open arms. You make our hearts happy!

In Family

Hometown Heroes

August 16, 2022 No Comments

About four months ago, our small town decided to honor our hometown heroes with military banners that would be hung all around our town. My mom and I decided to donate to the cause. My dad was in the Army and my grandfather was in the Navy. In our travels up and down the east coast, Jeff and I had seen banners in other small towns. His uncle Larry was honored in his hometown of Follansbee, WV. I was so excited our town decided to become a part of this wonderful experience.

The banners started being hung around town in June. We weren’t back in town yet but one of our friends sent us a picture and told us where they were. They looked amazing! Once we got home we drove downtown, and there they were! Gramps and Dad hanging high. Our community leader spent hours on these banners. She was hoping for 50 flags and our town ended up with 217, one even representing the Civil War. How amazing!

Our community leader strategically hung the flags near the family or near the route the families were most likely to take. Ours is located at the bottom of our road. Every time we head into town, we get to see them. I know it’s weird but I usually say, “there they are,” or “hi guys” every time. Eventually, it will probably get old but for now, it makes me extremely happy and proud to see them up there high above the town.

This program seems to be spreading through many towns throughout the United States. The banners honor past and present military members. Families usually donate towards the cost of the banner and the brackets to hold the banner. I think it’s wonderful, and if your town hasn’t started this program I hope they do soon.

Although we don’t know all of the 217 people who are honored in our community, we feel such a sense of pride every time we drive around town. I just love that so many families decided to donate and get their banners hung. It means so much. I think Gramps and Dad would be honored to see their faces flying high above our town.

In Weekly Wednesday Words

Teamwork

June 29, 2022 No Comments

I am not sure if it was because my grandpa was so involved in sports or if it was in my DNA, but I love being a part of a team. I enjoy camaraderie and fighting for a common goal. The people I have met at different sports camps and along the way will forever have a place in my heart. Sports instilled in me the willingness to work with other people. That has helped me throughout my career as a teacher as well as a caregiver and a wife.

Teamwork is the ability to work together toward a common vision, the ability to direct individual accomplishments toward organizational objectives. It is the fuel that allows common people to attain uncommon results.

— Andrew Carnegie

Photo from Unsplash

In Family

PNA Golf

June 21, 2022 2 Comments

This past weekend at the Venango Valley Inn and Golf Course we had the annual Polish National Alliance (PNA) Golf Tournament. This has recently been renamed the “Thaddeus Haluch Memorial Golf Tournament” in honor of my grandfather. Grandpa ran the tournament for at least 37 years. and it has been held on Friday and Saturday of Father’s Day Weekend every year since I can remember. He passed away in 2016 so I decided I needed to keep up the tradition. I ran it for another five years with help from our Lodge 1540 and the West End Lodge in Pittsburgh. It become difficult for me to run from Florida, therefore, I asked the guys from the West End Lodge to take it over. Even though my family still helps with the logistics, Jeff, mom, and I get to golf if we want to!

Last year was my first time golfing. I had taken three lessons prior to the outing, and I thought I was going to be GOOD! Haha! Little did I know that golf is a very complicated game. I had a wonderful time and loved being a part of this tournament and actually golfing in it. But I won “high score”. In golf, the goal is to get the lowest score! My grandpa would have just shaken his head and said, “You need to keep your head down.” This year, I did improve my game and did not come in last place! Definitely, something to celebrate! On the opposite end of the spectrum, my mom won the tournament for the ladies (as she has at various times over the years).

Since I was a little girl I have been helping with this golf tournament. Grandpa would start getting stressed in May when the golfers would turn in their registration forms late or cancel at the last minute. My gram took the brunt of the frustration, but we all saw it. He would stress himself to the max letting 130-150 golfers play in this thing. But he loved it. He loved seeing all of the guys from the different lodges throughout Pennsylvania. He loved being the big guy and speaking at the awards banquet. And everyone loved seeing him, too.

It really is a great tournament with years of tradition. You get two days of golf, snacks throughout the day, the best Polish kielbasa, pop, beer, a gift, and dinner on Saturday. Plus, if you happen to be good enough you can win money and a trophy for first, second, and third place (if you are a part of the PNA by having a life insurance or annuity policy). My grandpa arranged the golfers by Flights depending on their scores from the previous year. If you never golfed in this tournament before you were not eligible to win a prize. But if you win your flight you move up to the next one the next year.

Our family has been involved in this tournament for over 40 years. When we were little, my sister and I would volunteer to take the most candy bars we could get that we had to sell for our softball teams. We knew Gramps would tell the golfers he needed a $1 for the 50/50 and $1 for a candy bar. They had to buy the candy whether they wanted to eat it or not! As we got older we drove around on the beer cart. We would have a boat load of cash tips at the end of the day. We thought it was the greatest thing. Even as adults we would man the beer cart and make some money.

My grandpa was old school so of course everything was done by hand. He also didn’t trust the guys so we needed to add up the scores. Then we needed to break any ties. Then we needed to write down their names, lodges, and scores in two places. It took us HOURS to do this. Most of the time we missed dinner and all the golfers just sat there waiting.

Eventually, gramps gave in to the computer, and I would sit on the course and take scores. That way they were added up correctly, and we could sort them and decide the next day’s pairings more quickly. It made it quicker but still, Friday was a long, long day that turned into a long, long night. On Saturday, we had to be down there at 6:30 am to get everything ready for the 8:00 am tee time. Many guys wouldn’t show up because they had too much fun the night before.

Once my sister and I were old enough to drink we would hang out in the bar with the golfers on Friday night. Of course, we didn’t pay for one drink. Grandpa was always worried about the drinking but he loved this weekend and looked forward to it every year. By Saturday evening, he was grinning ear to ear. He loved this tournament.

The past two years have been emotional for me. They were the first two years without gram or gramps. We had 20 new players this year and it hit me that they didn’t get the pleasure of meeting either one of my grandparents. It makes me sad that people won’t get to know them and what they meant to this golf tournament and what the tournament meant to them.

It’s hard to explain especially if you didn’t have a chance to meet my grandparents. It’s hard to understand what a golf tournament can mean to a family. I love that my grandparents knew so many people and that I get to hear their stories. I hope that those who knew my grandparents continue to pass along stories of them to the younger generations. I hope that they appreciate all that they were.

If you are interested in joining the PNA by buying a life insurance policy or annuity, please contact me.

In Adventures with Gram

Letter to Gram III (Frustration)

June 14, 2022 No Comments

This is post III of my letter to Gram. I told you it was LONG!! If you are just joining us, head on back to check out Letters to Gram I and II (Change). Writing this letter was very therapeutic for me and maybe writing a letter to your lost loved one will help you, too. Reading these letters again as I edit this post about Gram and my frustration just brings tears to my eyes. I miss that little lady so much.

Last week, my husband and I were blessed to have one of my Gramps‘ former basketball players and his wife at our house for an overnight stay. They were so close to my grandparents that they called them “Mama and Papa”. Hearing their stories of my grandparents and seeing the love in their eyes just touches my heart. My grandparents were the most amazing people and influenced so many lives. Even though I had over 40 years with them I wish I had more. I wish I would have had the pleasure of knowing my grandparents as young adults.

And now to continue on with my Letter to Gram….

Dear Gram,

After our trip to Florida where we met Jeff and Virginia to visit the family, we settled in for the northwest PA spring. That summer, I started working at Bill Lawrence Personal Fitness and took you with me many times. Everyone loved saying hi and chatting with you. You were such an inspiration because you had to climb up two flights of stairs to get to the gym every time we went. Thank you for letting me drag you along. I know it must have been more difficult and frustrating than you led on, but I think you enjoyed being around people even if they were 40 years younger than you.

Over the next three years, we had many great adventures. Jeff and I got more serious, and he asked us to move to Florida for most of the year. We became Sunbirds and started going to Florida for the winter and Pennsylvania in the summer. We flew more times those last five years of your life than you did the whole 91 years before. Even though you were becoming forgetful and on medication for dementia, you still remembered all of the family members and all of the former Alliance students as well. You were happy and willing to do almost anything we asked of you. Rarely did you show any frustration or anger.

In 2018, we lost my sister to cancer. You were upset that it was her and not you. You didn’t understand how or why these things were happening. We vowed to spend more time with the kids and mom in Virginia so we traveled up and down the highway even more.

Soon, you became less independent. I couldn’t leave you for an extended period of time. You started falling from time to time and once even had to get seven stitches put in your head. Jeff and I got engaged, and although we loved taking you with us, we wanted some time for just us. I remember starting to feel a bit resentful and frustrated about having to stay home with you (and boy, do I regret that now) when we couldn’t find anyone to relieve us of our caretaking duties. What I wouldn’t give to spend another beautiful day with you just chilling by the pool.

Even though we had many great talks in the bathroom, I was starting to get down. I wanted to travel more. I wanted to be able to pick up and go and not worry about finding someone to stay with you. I didn’t feel like I had any help except for my Prince, my cousin across the street, a wonderful friend from elementary school, and some amazing, caring teenagers. My caregiving job was getting harder and harder, and I felt like I was not being fair to you.

I feel terrible about how frustrated I would get sometimes with you. I didn’t know how to stop and breathe and just let it go. I didn’t know how to not be selfish. I didn’t want to resent my husband for getting to go while I had to stay home with you. And I didn’t want to resent you for having to stay home. And yes, I know there are worse things than having to sit and watch Wheel of Fortune with you. Honestly now, I wish you were here so we could relax by the pool while Jeff ran around like a gypsy!

I just wanted help. I wanted a granny nanny who could be on call when we needed her and who would treat you like we did. I know plenty of families who had nannies. Could it be that hard to find someone to stay with you? I didn’t think it would be.

We searched Care.com and interviewed tons of people. We found one lady who actually worked with you for about two weeks. I was so happy to have help and to have someone we could trust when we wanted to take a trip. But then she quit. We interviewed more people but no one seemed right for the job. I guess the task is different from asking someone to care for a child and asking someone to care for an elderly woman.

After discussions with mom and Jeff and after you fell again when I was on the other side of the pool, we decided that a senior living center was probably our only option. We wrote you a letter and you agreed that it was time to go. We told you that you would have your own apartment and you seemed really excited about it. We dropped you off and when we left you were all smiles. It was such a relief. I really hoped you would enjoy being in a place where you could relax and not be drug around with us. I was hoping you would make new friends and thrive in your new living environment. But the next three months were some of the most difficult for me and probably for you, too. Please know that leaving you in the senior living center was one of the hardest things I have had to do.

Deciding when to be a caregiver and when to give it up is a very personal and difficult decision. As a caregiver, you do need to put yourself and your relationships first. That way you can be the best caregiver to those you are caring for. There are many decisions to weigh and lots of options out there. Do what is best for you!

There is still one more letter…the story continues.