caregiver journey Archives - Page 4 of 9 - Inspired & Strong | Making the Best of Every Day with Stacy

Teamwork

June 29, 2022 No Comments

I am not sure if it was because my grandpa was so involved in sports or if it was in my DNA, but I love being a part of a team. I enjoy camaraderie and fighting for a common goal. The people I have met at different sports camps and along the way will forever have a place in my heart. Sports instilled in me the willingness to work with other people. That has helped me throughout my career as a teacher as well as a caregiver and a wife.

Teamwork is the ability to work together toward a common vision, the ability to direct individual accomplishments toward organizational objectives. It is the fuel that allows common people to attain uncommon results.

— Andrew Carnegie

Photo from Unsplash

In Family

PNA Golf

June 21, 2022 2 Comments

This past weekend at the Venango Valley Inn and Golf Course we had the annual Polish National Alliance (PNA) Golf Tournament. This has recently been renamed the “Thaddeus Haluch Memorial Golf Tournament” in honor of my grandfather. Grandpa ran the tournament for at least 37 years. and it has been held on Friday and Saturday of Father’s Day Weekend every year since I can remember. He passed away in 2016 so I decided I needed to keep up the tradition. I ran it for another five years with help from our Lodge 1540 and the West End Lodge in Pittsburgh. It become difficult for me to run from Florida, therefore, I asked the guys from the West End Lodge to take it over. Even though my family still helps with the logistics, Jeff, mom, and I get to golf if we want to!

Last year was my first time golfing. I had taken three lessons prior to the outing, and I thought I was going to be GOOD! Haha! Little did I know that golf is a very complicated game. I had a wonderful time and loved being a part of this tournament and actually golfing in it. But I won “high score”. In golf, the goal is to get the lowest score! My grandpa would have just shaken his head and said, “You need to keep your head down.” This year, I did improve my game and did not come in last place! Definitely, something to celebrate! On the opposite end of the spectrum, my mom won the tournament for the ladies (as she has at various times over the years).

Since I was a little girl I have been helping with this golf tournament. Grandpa would start getting stressed in May when the golfers would turn in their registration forms late or cancel at the last minute. My gram took the brunt of the frustration, but we all saw it. He would stress himself to the max letting 130-150 golfers play in this thing. But he loved it. He loved seeing all of the guys from the different lodges throughout Pennsylvania. He loved being the big guy and speaking at the awards banquet. And everyone loved seeing him, too.

It really is a great tournament with years of tradition. You get two days of golf, snacks throughout the day, the best Polish kielbasa, pop, beer, a gift, and dinner on Saturday. Plus, if you happen to be good enough you can win money and a trophy for first, second, and third place (if you are a part of the PNA by having a life insurance or annuity policy). My grandpa arranged the golfers by Flights depending on their scores from the previous year. If you never golfed in this tournament before you were not eligible to win a prize. But if you win your flight you move up to the next one the next year.

Our family has been involved in this tournament for over 40 years. When we were little, my sister and I would volunteer to take the most candy bars we could get that we had to sell for our softball teams. We knew Gramps would tell the golfers he needed a $1 for the 50/50 and $1 for a candy bar. They had to buy the candy whether they wanted to eat it or not! As we got older we drove around on the beer cart. We would have a boat load of cash tips at the end of the day. We thought it was the greatest thing. Even as adults we would man the beer cart and make some money.

My grandpa was old school so of course everything was done by hand. He also didn’t trust the guys so we needed to add up the scores. Then we needed to break any ties. Then we needed to write down their names, lodges, and scores in two places. It took us HOURS to do this. Most of the time we missed dinner and all the golfers just sat there waiting.

Eventually, gramps gave in to the computer, and I would sit on the course and take scores. That way they were added up correctly, and we could sort them and decide the next day’s pairings more quickly. It made it quicker but still, Friday was a long, long day that turned into a long, long night. On Saturday, we had to be down there at 6:30 am to get everything ready for the 8:00 am tee time. Many guys wouldn’t show up because they had too much fun the night before.

Once my sister and I were old enough to drink we would hang out in the bar with the golfers on Friday night. Of course, we didn’t pay for one drink. Grandpa was always worried about the drinking but he loved this weekend and looked forward to it every year. By Saturday evening, he was grinning ear to ear. He loved this tournament.

The past two years have been emotional for me. They were the first two years without gram or gramps. We had 20 new players this year and it hit me that they didn’t get the pleasure of meeting either one of my grandparents. It makes me sad that people won’t get to know them and what they meant to this golf tournament and what the tournament meant to them.

It’s hard to explain especially if you didn’t have a chance to meet my grandparents. It’s hard to understand what a golf tournament can mean to a family. I love that my grandparents knew so many people and that I get to hear their stories. I hope that those who knew my grandparents continue to pass along stories of them to the younger generations. I hope that they appreciate all that they were.

If you are interested in joining the PNA by buying a life insurance policy or annuity, please contact me.

In Adventures with Gram

Letter to Gram III (Frustration)

June 14, 2022 No Comments

This is post III of my letter to Gram. I told you it was LONG!! If you are just joining us, head on back to check out Letters to Gram I and II (Change). Writing this letter was very therapeutic for me and maybe writing a letter to your lost loved one will help you, too. Reading these letters again as I edit this post about Gram and my frustration just brings tears to my eyes. I miss that little lady so much.

Last week, my husband and I were blessed to have one of my Gramps‘ former basketball players and his wife at our house for an overnight stay. They were so close to my grandparents that they called them “Mama and Papa”. Hearing their stories of my grandparents and seeing the love in their eyes just touches my heart. My grandparents were the most amazing people and influenced so many lives. Even though I had over 40 years with them I wish I had more. I wish I would have had the pleasure of knowing my grandparents as young adults.

And now to continue on with my Letter to Gram….

Dear Gram,

After our trip to Florida where we met Jeff and Virginia to visit the family, we settled in for the northwest PA spring. That summer, I started working at Bill Lawrence Personal Fitness and took you with me many times. Everyone loved saying hi and chatting with you. You were such an inspiration because you had to climb up two flights of stairs to get to the gym every time we went. Thank you for letting me drag you along. I know it must have been more difficult and frustrating than you led on, but I think you enjoyed being around people even if they were 40 years younger than you.

Over the next three years, we had many great adventures. Jeff and I got more serious, and he asked us to move to Florida for most of the year. We became Sunbirds and started going to Florida for the winter and Pennsylvania in the summer. We flew more times those last five years of your life than you did the whole 91 years before. Even though you were becoming forgetful and on medication for dementia, you still remembered all of the family members and all of the former Alliance students as well. You were happy and willing to do almost anything we asked of you. Rarely did you show any frustration or anger.

In 2018, we lost my sister to cancer. You were upset that it was her and not you. You didn’t understand how or why these things were happening. We vowed to spend more time with the kids and mom in Virginia so we traveled up and down the highway even more.

Soon, you became less independent. I couldn’t leave you for an extended period of time. You started falling from time to time and once even had to get seven stitches put in your head. Jeff and I got engaged, and although we loved taking you with us, we wanted some time for just us. I remember starting to feel a bit resentful and frustrated about having to stay home with you (and boy, do I regret that now) when we couldn’t find anyone to relieve us of our caretaking duties. What I wouldn’t give to spend another beautiful day with you just chilling by the pool.

Even though we had many great talks in the bathroom, I was starting to get down. I wanted to travel more. I wanted to be able to pick up and go and not worry about finding someone to stay with you. I didn’t feel like I had any help except for my Prince, my cousin across the street, a wonderful friend from elementary school, and some amazing, caring teenagers. My caregiving job was getting harder and harder, and I felt like I was not being fair to you.

I feel terrible about how frustrated I would get sometimes with you. I didn’t know how to stop and breathe and just let it go. I didn’t know how to not be selfish. I didn’t want to resent my husband for getting to go while I had to stay home with you. And I didn’t want to resent you for having to stay home. And yes, I know there are worse things than having to sit and watch Wheel of Fortune with you. Honestly now, I wish you were here so we could relax by the pool while Jeff ran around like a gypsy!

I just wanted help. I wanted a granny nanny who could be on call when we needed her and who would treat you like we did. I know plenty of families who had nannies. Could it be that hard to find someone to stay with you? I didn’t think it would be.

We searched Care.com and interviewed tons of people. We found one lady who actually worked with you for about two weeks. I was so happy to have help and to have someone we could trust when we wanted to take a trip. But then she quit. We interviewed more people but no one seemed right for the job. I guess the task is different from asking someone to care for a child and asking someone to care for an elderly woman.

After discussions with mom and Jeff and after you fell again when I was on the other side of the pool, we decided that a senior living center was probably our only option. We wrote you a letter and you agreed that it was time to go. We told you that you would have your own apartment and you seemed really excited about it. We dropped you off and when we left you were all smiles. It was such a relief. I really hoped you would enjoy being in a place where you could relax and not be drug around with us. I was hoping you would make new friends and thrive in your new living environment. But the next three months were some of the most difficult for me and probably for you, too. Please know that leaving you in the senior living center was one of the hardest things I have had to do.

Deciding when to be a caregiver and when to give it up is a very personal and difficult decision. As a caregiver, you do need to put yourself and your relationships first. That way you can be the best caregiver to those you are caring for. There are many decisions to weigh and lots of options out there. Do what is best for you!

There is still one more letter…the story continues.

In Family

Family

June 7, 2022 No Comments

Family. What can you say? Family can be fun. Family can be frustrating. Family can be crazy. I have spent the last four weeks helping my husband and my sister-in-law move their mom from Texas to West Virginia and then to Florida. We’ve flown to different states and driven through a few more. We found a couple of apartments, waited on moving trucks, unpacked boxes, repacked boxes, moved furniture, hung pictures, opened and closed accounts, and needless to say had a few drinks at the end of the day. But for now, all is well. Fingers crossed 🙂

Family is a crazy thing. Some days are good. Some are bad. Some family members are there for you whenever you call upon them. And some are not. Sometimes family is supportive and sometimes they are exhausting. And sometimes they may talk behind your back yet will have no problem asking you for help.

Whatever your family is, whether you were born into it, adopted, or whether you chose to make others your family, just remember you don’t have to be taken advantage of. Family is there to love you, support you, to offer advice and encouragement. Family is not there to put you down, to make you feel bad, or to make you feel like you are doing something wrong.

Sometimes family members may not mean to make you feel bad but maybe they have other issues such as mental health conditions, depression, or dementia. And this can cause stress on your relationships with them and others. Gram, who never wanted to be a burden, caused us stress in a different way as we were constantly worried about her health and well-being. If this happens, try to open the lines of communication (if the family member is mentally capable). It is usually better to talk it out. Ignoring the problem really isn’t going to fix it. If something is bothering you then try to get clarification as oftentimes there might just be a misunderstanding or confusion within the situation. Hopefully, you can discuss the problem and come to a solution instead of holding a grudge for some misunderstanding. If mental health is in the way then you can help your family member with finding resources so they can get the help they need.

So, in the end, choose the “family” that makes you shine. Choose the family that is there for you. Choose the family that calls just say hi. Choose the family that makes you laugh. Choose the family that makes you feel good about being you. And that family can be whomever you want them to be!

In Family

10 Years

May 24, 2022 No Comments

On May 23, ten years ago we lost my dear old dad. As you have read, he was a fighter. He battled lung cancer for nine years. He rarely complained, and he rarely let it slow him down. He kept smiling through any of the pain he was in.

The other night the whole family must have been on my mind because I had a crazy dream that included my mom, my dad, my sister, and Gram. It was so nice to see them all. Gramps rarely visits me in my dreams, which does make me sad because I would love to see him. I don’t know why he doesn’t show up.

My dreams usually jump from one setting to another. Almost like being on a movie set. It was like I was in an airport meeting the family. And then we were all in a few rooms in a hotel. Of course, in my dreams, I was in one of those moods and was ready to sing DREAMS! I think my prince said “noooooo” but everyone else was ready. It really was a great dream. It didn’t make any sense but all of the family was there. And everyone was happy. What I liked most was that it was a kind of a long dream so I got to spend a lot of time with the family. And what I really loved was when I woke up I remembered it because it was so vivid.

I can’t believe it has been 10 years since my father died. I wish he was here to see his amazing grandchildren. He would love watching his granddaughter hit the game-winning RBI. I wish he was here to enjoy retirement with my mom. I imagine they would be traveling all over. I wish he was here to spend the holidays with the family. I wish he was here to meet my husband. He would enjoy relaxing by our pool and seeing his stepgrandson graduate from college. I wish for so many things.

It’s amazing to think that 10 years ago I was only 36 years old when my dad went to heaven. I can’t believe it. I was in such a different phase of life. I am glad my dad got to see me as a successful teacher and coordinator of special education, a house owner, and a woman who wanted to see the world. I believe he was proud of me then, and I believe he would be proud of me now in my role as a former caretaker of Gram as well as my new role as a temporary teacher, blogger, travel agent, fitness enthusiast, slumlord, and pilot’s wife. I miss him so much.

So, dad, I hope you are having a blast up there in heaven. As much as I wish you were here, I hated to see you in pain. I am relieved of that but of course, I wish things were different. I hope you keep coming to us in our dreams. Put your arms around mom every now and again. She could use a great big hug from you. Watch over us and keep us safe. You always did. Love and miss you dad. See you when my time comes.

In Family

Mothers

May 10, 2022 No Comments

Mothers. Mothers. Mothers. They come in all shapes and sizes. Biological mothers, adoptive mothers, stepmothers, fur baby mothers, grandmothers, and great-grandmothers. Some people have wonderful relationships with their mothers and some have no relationship at all.

The definition of a mother starts with one who gives birth, adopts, or raises a child. But being a mother is more than just giving birth or raising a child. It is teaching your children right from wrong. It is giving them opportunities to explore their own wants and needs. It is letting them experience a little bit of life on their own while they are young so that when they grow up they have the tools needed to succeed.

Now the definition of success may mean different things to different people. And sometimes what you want your child to succeed in doesn’t meet your expectations. Maybe you wanted your child to have babies so you could be a grandma but that didn’t happen. Maybe you wanted your child to go to college and they didn’t. Maybe you wanted them to build a house on the same farm you grew up on and they moved away. When expectations are not met, it can be very hard on relationships. And disappointment can set in.

Most mothers want more for their children than they do for themselves. They want to see their children happy. They want to see their children reaching for and achieving their dreams. They are the cheerleaders behind their children. They are there to pick them up and brush them off when they fall. They are there to tell them everything is going to be alright. And sometimes the mothers need to tell themselves that from time to time. And most importantly, mothers need to take care of themselves first so they can be the best caretakers to others.

In any situation, we need to embrace the positive. Check out these 21 Characteristics of a Good Mother. Take a moment to click on the link. Not only can it help you in motherhood but just overall in being a good human being.

“If we are not happy, then we can’t expect them to be either. A good mom is one who is always positive and looks on the bright side of things. This doesn’t mean that she is always happy, but she can find something good in every situation.”

Find your positives and embrace them in every situation. Happy Tuesday and Happy Mother’s Day Week!

Photo by Xavier Mouton Photographie on Unsplash

In Adventures with Gram

Letter to Gram II (Change)

April 12, 2022 4 Comments

Today’s post is a continuation of my Letter to Gram. If you are jumping in, head on back to that first post about how writing a letter to your loved one can be therapeutic. This letter is the second part of my letter to Gram and about how much changed that first year I had the opportunity to take care of her.

Dear Gram,

Our journey continues. After 16 years in Richmond, I needed a change. I was not happy with my job or the dating scene. I met a friend of a friend who was moving to Thailand to teach English. It sounded like something that I just needed to do. I had the same feeling in my stomach as when I moved to California. I just knew I had to go.

As I was considering moving to Thailand, Grandpa voiced his opinion and didn’t really want me to go. He was about to turn 90, and I think he was scared he wouldn’t make it until my return. Maybe he knew his health was failing. He had been in and out of the hospital the year prior with his congestive heart failure, but he always bounced back. I don’t remember you telling me not to go. I only remember your support and you probably told me Gary and Shar used to live there, too! I think you were excited for me to go on a crazy adventure, and I couldn’t wait to see the world.

Even though I was only gone three months, I did miss Grandpa’s 90^th birthday bash, and I am really sorry that I did. He was so happy and many of his old players and students came back for the occasion. Mom did FaceTime me so I did get to see you dancing with the toy soldier and got to be a part of some of the celebration.

I also missed the beautiful birth of my nephew. I knew there would never be a time that I wouldn’t miss something so I will never regret going to Thailand and gaining all that I experienced. But I also wish I could have been in two places at the same time. (of course! I am a Yes, Woman!)

I ended up coming back from Thailand for Christmas to see the family and my new nephew who was only 19 days old. That Christmas of 2015, Gramps got sick. My sister asked him if he wanted to go to the emergency room and he said yes. So off we went. He had fluid built up around his lungs and ended up having a longer stay than any of us wanted. I remember you not wanting to leave his side, and I wish I would have talked the staff into letting us both stay to be with him. I didn’t realize how much you felt the need to be there until I was the one who wanted to stay with you in the hospital room. I am sorry that we didn’t let you stay. I know the staff said it was a liability, and we didn’t want you to fall and get hurt either, but I finally realized how much you truly wanted to be there. And how lonely the hospital room can be.

After a week of Gramps being in the hospital, we all decided I wasn’t going back to Thailand. I had some wonderful adventures and saw nine new countries including Germany, Finland, Sweden, and The Netherlands so I decided I would stay home and spend time with you and Gramps. My house in Richmond was rented until September, and I was unemployed. Gramps spent a month in rehab while you and I stayed with mom. Finally, we decided to take Grandpa back home to Pennsylvania with Hospice Care. It was going to be a big change, but I would move in and be there for you both.

We made it home and my cousin across the street helped me get Gramps in the house. It was not an easy task, and I am not sure how we did it. Grandpa was so upset that we weren’t in your condo in Florida and once he saw the hospital bed in the living room, he seemed deflated. I think maybe it was his last wish to be in sunny Florida before he passed on.

My mom came up a few days later but after a week, Grandpa’s body couldn’t fight anymore. We called the priest in for the anointing of the sick and all prayed together with my sister on the phone. The next morning, he faded out and was gone. I am sorry, Grandpa, that I was not there to hold your hand as you headed toward the light. And I am sorry, Gram, that you barely made it to tell him you loved him one more time. It seemed to happen so fast, and I hate that we were not all there for him in those final moments.

That week was full of preparations. We planned with the funeral home and family started arriving in town. Although it was great to see everyone, it was sad, sad circumstances. After the dust settled, it was just you and me. I wasn’t sure if you would last two days, two months, or two years, without him. You just lost your best friend, and I wasn’t sure you knew what to do next.

It was February 2016. We just lost Gramps. It was snowing. I didn’t have a job yet therefore, we made fires, watched the snowfall, and watched black and white movies all day. We didn’t go out in the cold if we didn’t have to. About a month later, my high school girlfriends talked me into volunteer coaching for the high school softball team. Then one of my college girlfriends offered me a job at a local dairy isle. What a change from the field of education! We had a wonderful summer once the weather turned. We zoomed around town in my little convertible EOS, watching softball games, eating ice cream, drinking wine, and going out to eat at our favorite restaurant, Venango Valley. I reconnected with high school and college friends and was enjoying being with you and being back in my hometown.

Then December came and you broke your hip (the first time). I couldn’t let what happened to Gramps happen to you so I vowed to be with you 24/7 and I broke you loose from the rehab center. Once you were back home, your spirits picked right up, your attitude changed and you were walking around the house with your walker in no time. You became more dependent on me, but I was just happy you were doing well.

That February, after your fall, we both were sad and depressed because of the weather, and we were tired of being cooped up in the house. We needed a change. Therefore, we took off for Florida. It was perfect timing because that is when I met my Prince. You seemed to like him right from the start and that was the beginning of more crazy adventures, but now there was three of us.

Making the change and being able to take care of you led me to so many wonderful things in life. I reconnected with amazing friends and got to spend more time with them. I also met new friends who grew to love you and your presence. And of course, I met my husband. We all miss you more than you know.

(to be continued…)

In Pilot's Wife

Pilot’s Wife

March 29, 2022 No Comments

As you know I am a Pilot’s Wife. Many of you may think that being a Pilot’s Wife is a glamourous lifestyle full of travel and adventure. And yes, I must admit that is true most of the time. But if you marry a pilot like mine you are never home! And you have to be independent, flexible, and confident.

When we travel, many times we travel on standby. And some of you think that means we fly for free. That is not the case. Even with standby, there are costs involved. And it varies depending on the airline and how long of a flight we are trying to get on. Yes, it is less expensive but you are not guaranteed a seat. Many times that means hours in the airport or running from one terminal to another to try to catch another flight to get you where you want to go.

I have learned that if you fly standby and you are offered a seat you take it. This also means that sometimes I get a seat and Jeff doesn’t. Or Jeff gets a seat and I don’t. Then you have to resort to backup plans and running from one gate to another. The other thing it means is that we don’t usually get to sit together on a flight. Sometimes I am in the back, and he is in the cockpit. Or he is on one side of the plane, and I am on the other. When you fly standby, you take any seat you can get! And you have to be okay flying next to strangers and not your partner. If possible, the gate agents will try to seat us together but sometimes it just doesn’t happen.

Since becoming a Pilot’s Wife, I have become better at reading departure screens and using travel apps. Our favorite travel app is FlightView. You can see nonstop flights between cities. You can also track flights to see their arrival and departure times. It really is a great app. Another app I like is Kayak. It searches for low fares between destinations. I like to look on Kayak first then book on the specific airline website.

Another thing you need to get used to becoming a Pilot’s Wife is being alone. As you read before there are single people and there are relationship people. You are better at being lonely or better at being annoyed. Jeff and I make a great team because I am better at being lonely and he is better at being annoyed! I was a single, independent woman for 10 years before I met Jeff and became a Pilot’s Wife. I think those years prepared me for my role as a Pilot’s Wife. Jeff will go on trips for work. He may be gone two days. He may be gone for two weeks. And I am home… alone… since Sweet Gram is gone. I am responsible for the many possible mini disasters that usually occur the second he walks out the door. Sometimes the A/C goes out. Sometimes a cockroach scurries across the floor. Sometimes a big ass spider or a little black snake invades my space. And in these instances, I am the one responsible for getting that little creature out.

Being a Pilot’s Wife is a great adventure. I am grateful for the 11 different ski resorts, 20 states, and 6 different countries we have been able to go to over the past five years. I am grateful for the new friends and family members I have met along the way who have become some of my very best friends.

I wouldn’t give up being a Pilot’s Wife for anything. But if being a gypsy, being a big bad bug killer, a game-time decision-maker, a traveler of the world, and a woman of no routine is not your thing, then being a Pilot’s Wife is not for you.

In Adventures with Gram

St. Gram’s Day

March 15, 2022 No Comments

To me, as a little kid, St. Patrick’s Day meant that we had to go to church. Once I turned 21, it meant drinking green beer and celebrating with the rest of the fools who were out and about. Over the past three years, St. Patrick’s Day has become something more special to me and last year it became St. Gram’s Day.

In 2019, we had lifelong friends in town for a visit to Florida. We had recently bought our boat and had the name put on the back of it. Our friend, Katie, who designed our logo was in town so we christened the boat with beer and a trip to the Boathouse. Gram was dressed in her St. Patrick’s Day best, and we had a wonderful day playing in the sun and celebrating all the good things in life.

Katie designed our amazing logo “Sabai, Sabai” which means don’t worry, be happy in Thai. She added a kettlebell for the A and put the world map inside it because we love CrossFit and traveling. She also dotted the i’s with airplanes for my hubby. As you have read in “How Did I Get Here?“, I went to Thailand to teach English which is where I learned the meaning of the words Sabai Sabai. Therefore, that is what we named our boat to show others there is no benefit to worrying. As life happens, look at the positive and make choices that make you happy.

In March 2021, Jeff and I were on a ski trip in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Gram had passed away just a few weeks prior. I was still kind of in shock and sad about losing my best friend. What happened that St. Patrick’s Day will forever hold a special place in my heart. I will never forget the love and support shown to me by all who participated in the event.

On St. Patrick’s Day that week, our group met out on a rooftop bar after a bluebird day of skiing. My husband gave a little speech about Sweet Gram and all of the group unzipped their jackets. And there on their shirts appeared sweet gram’s smiling face and a message saying “St. Gram’s Day…Do it for the Gram.” It brings tears to my eyes as I write this today.

Most of the people in this group had the opportunity to meet gram. They had either met her on a ski trip or met her at our house in Florida. And, of course, we talked about her all the time. Many of them knew her and loved her just like we did. It still amazes me how thoughtful this group was to wear shirts for me as an amazing tribute to my little Gram.

So, this week I will wear my St. Gram’s Day shirt with pride. I can’t thank my husband and the members of our group enough. It means the world to me that these three above thought of the idea and made the effort to make my week a little brighter after the devastation of losing sweet Gram.

Thank you, my friends. I cannot say it enough. Happy St. Gram’s Day, Gram! Drink some green beer for us!

In Adventures with Gram

Letter to Gram

March 8, 2022 No Comments

As you have read, I took care of Gram for five years before she passed away on February 24, 2021. I have been receiving grief therapy through Hope Hospice since then, and it has been very beneficial to have someone to talk to, not only about Gram but about my sister and dad plus just everyday life. I continue to struggle with the loss of Sweet Gram. I am not sure if it’s because I was raised Catholic, and I tend to feel the “Catholic Guilt” from putting her into senior living for the last three months of her life and not bringing her home when she broke her hip the second time or what. I know healing takes time and there will always be ups and downs when it comes to grief, but I just feel an overwhelming sense of loss when it comes to Gram.

My therapist sent me a video about letter writing. The video has to do with expressing gratitude and increasing happiness but she says the same benefits apply to grief letter writing. She suggested how writing a letter to Gram may help me.

Therefore, I decided to sit down and write a letter to Gram. It is sooooooo long, but I had 45 years of time to write to her about. For some reason, I felt compelled to share it with you. I won’t share all of it at once but here is the beginning. I will continue to share over the next few weeks.

Dear Gram,

I have been meaning to write a letter to you. And I wish I would have said all of this before you left this Earth, but I am telling you now. Ever since I was a little girl you were there for me. You told me several times you were the one who carried me home from the hospital after I was born. We lived with you for a period of time while dad was away in Korea. Throughout my childhood, you only lived three blocks away from me and worked right up the hill from our house. I remember walking home from school and heading straight to the college to see you and mom at work.

Although you didn’t play sports or jump around with us, you were always there to cheer us on and to cheer Gramps on, too. His life revolved around sports…Sports on TV, coaching sports and watching sports. You always said if you had a penny for every bleacher you sat on you’d be one rich lady, and I agree!! As far as I can remember, you were at every one of my basketball and softball games. Even in college when I received very little playing time, you and Gramps were always there.

As a little kid, all I can remember is how positive you were. You wanted us to succeed and you were always very proud of us. You and Gramps were the kindest, loving, and most generous people I have ever known. I remember you always making room for people at the dinner table or lending people a hand when they needed it. The more people that I meet that knew you, the more I see what an impact you had on our hometown community and the students who ventured into the area.

Although you were the small, quiet one, you were always so strong. I remember you getting sick and going to the hospital ONE TIME before you were in your 90s. You never went to the doctor. You just made yourself a Hot Toddy and moved on. Even as you got older you never wanted to go to the doctor and you always said you were fine. You were so strong, but also stubborn.

While I did my student teaching I had the wonderful opportunity to live with you and Gramps. Mom and Dad were hosting Marja from Finland so you let me move in with you. When I came home late and a little tipsy, you never lectured me. You listened to my stories and told me there were leftovers in the fridge for my midnight snack. You were usually up watching the 11 o’clock news and then some black and white film after while Gramps was asleep on the couch. It seemed late at night was the only time Gramps would let you have the remote control! The rest of the day the television was on some sporting event.

After I graduated from college in December, I moved to California. You supported my move and even lent me money to get me started. It took me years before trying to pay you back, which you didn’t accept, of course, but I tried because I appreciated all that you did for me.

Even though I was in California for just a short six months, you, Gramps, and Marja came out to visit. We drove to L.A. to see the Hollywood sign and the stars of fame on the sidewalk. And yes, we even took in another sporting event and went to see the L.A. Dodgers play.

After my six-month adventure in Cali, I settled in Richmond, Virginia for 16 years. We both traveled up and down the interstates more times than we can count. I came home a lot when Dad was battling cancer and got to spend extra time with you, too. The eight-hour drive seemed like nothing compared to being all the way across the country.

When we started worrying about you and Grandpa driving to Florida by yourselves for your winter stay at your condo, I volunteered for the job. Thankfully I was in a position in the school system where I could take the time off to drive you down after Christmas and then pick you back up around Easter. You were sometimes hesitant about going to Florida but you always ended up having a great time and you knew how much it meant to Gramps so you went. You loved Fort Myers but you also loved being in your home in Pennsylvania.

Driving with you was always an adventure. You would sit beside me in the passenger seat and get out your Rand McNally Road Atlas. You would follow along as we crossed state lines and tell me who lived where along the way. You and grandpa remembered so much about so many people. I honestly don’t know how you kept it straight.

Your positive attitude and the love you shared for those around you are what make me miss you so much. I could never repay all the love and support you both offered to me over the years, but I hope I can express to you how much it (and you) meant to me.

(To be continued…)

If you have lost someone special in your life, maybe you will find the strength to pick up a pen and paper and write them a little note about how much of an impact they had on your life. I know it has helped me.