As you read in “The Broken Hip”, I packed up Gram and the cat and took off to spend a few weeks in Florida at Gram’s condo. My grandparents bought the condo in the early 2000s after two other couples convinced them to just do it! All three couples were the best of friends and had been since they were in their 20’s. They would all vacation down to Fort Myers in the winter. My grandparents were the last to buy and the ones to spend the least amount of time down there. The other couples were retired and would spend most of their winter in Fort Myers, but my grandmother was still working. Therefore, they could only go for a few weeks at a time. Gram worked until she was 80 years old because of a change in retirement regulations and health benefits. What an amazing woman!

But as soon as she retired they bought Gram’s condo across the parking lot from their very good friends. My grandfather loved going down every winter. He couldn’t wait to read the paper and eat breakfast on the lanai. He would have stayed down there for six months if Gram would have let him. But she didn’t like change and wanted to be back in her home to watch the snowfall after a few short months.

In 2007, I started working as an administrator for a school district in Virginia. Therefore, I had a bit more flexibility in taking time off of work. Usually, my grandparents would come to Richmond for Christmas. Then I would drive them from Richmond to Fort Myers over Christmas break and then I would go pick them up on Spring Break. We did this for years. I didn’t mind driving, and I definitely didn’t mind getting some sun or lying by the pool for a few days while they got settled into Gram’s condo.

One of the best things about Gram’s condo was that it was an end unit at the end of the development. Next to the condo was a gathering place the residents called “the marina”, which was a place on a small canal with a boat dock and several tables and chairs set up. They would go down there to socialize, have happy hour, and cookout.

That marina holds many memories for my family and me. My grandparents didn’t drink often but they would go down to the marina and socialize. One of the Board Members, we can call him the “Captain”, lived right above my grandparents. He would keep an eye on them as they got older and more forgetful. He would also cookout at the marina, help residents who needed projects done, put up Christmas decorations at the marina, and take people out on the pontoon boat. We knew all the residents but especially my grandparents were in good hands for the winter.

One of my favorite memories of the marina include a family trip we took to the Gram’s condo. I am not sure why we went, but my dad, mom, sister, and I rode down in my mom’s little Toyota Solara. My sister braided my hair in teeny tiny braids in the back seat as we made the 18+ hour drive from PA to FL. Over the next week, we went to Fort Myers Beach, Shrimp Shack, and Rib City. Some of my parents’ and grandparents’ favorite places to go to.

The second memory is when my sister started dating a guy, who would end up becoming her husband. He came with us on a family trip to Gram’s condo. I remember sitting down at the marina and a raccoon came to see what we had to eat. The Captain got his BB gun out just in case the little creature got a little too close. Well, that BB gun turned into a shooting contest. There were wind chimes hanging in the tree, and we decided to see who could make them ding. My dad eventually taught me how to line the dang thing up after shooting into the trees for about 20 minutes. Then for some reason, I was on fire. We would take turns and see who could hit it the most. We had so much fun. Well, I did. Probably because I was winning ….

Needless to say, Gram’s condo holds many, many memories for us. As Gram and I made our way into Fort Myers after her broken hip, I wasn’t sure how Gram would react. This was her first time at the condo without my grandfather. I assumed it would be tough, and she may be emotional, which she was. But being in the smaller setting with the sunshine and the memories of family around us, she nursed her way back to amazing health. In less than two weeks, she was walking without her walker, and it was like the broken hip never existed! She was so strong and inspiring.

While we were there, I realized that the Gold’s Gym I used to go to had shut down. Since I had just started CrossFit, I decided to search for a CrossFit gym. I compared two different ones and decided on CrossFit Thoroughbreds. That Thursday, I went and enjoyed the people and the community. They offered a boot camp on Saturday morning, and I decided to try it. That’s when I met two people, who little did I know at the time, would enter my life to stay and bring some incredible life changes. One was an amazing woman who would later become one of my greatest friends and supporter (who also inspired me to do this blog) and the other was an absolutely wonderful man who would later take in Gram, the cat, and me and ask me to be his wife.

In What We Use

Rogue Fitness

December 1, 2020 No Comments

We love Rogue products.

Since it’s the holiday season, we thought we would do a few posts about the products we use and because we love them, we also applied to be an affiliate. If you order through our links then we may get a small commission, which we would really appreciate.

EQUIPMENT

One of my favorite purchases from Rogue has been my jump rope. During quarantine, I ruined my first one by jumping on the cement. But I loved it so much, I bought another one exactly like it! For Christmas last year, my husband got me this amazing Toomey Edition Women’s Bella barbell. Baby Blue is my favorite. The rowers we use at home and at our gyms is the Concept 2 Rower. We also just ordered the Rogue Vertical Plate Tree. We are working on building our home gym. We love working out with the CrossFit community but it is nice to have the option to do something at home, especially when we feel like sleeping in!

OTHER STUFF

I bought my husband this hat, which he loves. Although I don’t use it as much anymore, I used to use a lot of tape. This goat tape is the best. We also have these Rogue Bumper plates.

We believe Rogue has great quality products. Many of the CrossFit gyms we go to use them as well as people who have created gyms at home. If you decide to order, please go through this link or the Rogue ad below. The links to the products don’t have my affiliate ID in them, but I wanted you to see what we use. Please let us know if you have any questions. Happy shopping!

In Family

Taking a Bath

November 24, 2020 No Comments

We lost my sister in May 2018 after an 18-month battle with cancer (as you read in “About Stacy“). Her kids were five and two at the time, but they still talk about her all the time. They love looking at pictures of her and hearing stories about her. I wish I had more videos of her to show them. When we visit my family in Virginia, at least one night our niece and nephew usually spend the night with us at my mom’s house. It gives their dad some time to himself and gives us more time to spend with them. One night, I had the fun opportunity to give my niece and nephew a bath.

Though I remember taking baths as a child with my sister, I don’t believe I have ever given a baby a bath. I never had children of my own and my stepchildren are adults. So this was an amazing opportunity for me, and I felt blessed to be able to do it.

After playing outside all day, the kids needed a rinse. Though I figured the bathroom would be a sloppy mess by the time we were done, I didn’t care. They had no toys. Only each other, a cup to wash their hair, and me. They tried to pretend they were swimming. They poured water on each other. My nephew even peed in the water! We all had the best time laughing and giggling. It was so much fun giving them a bath!

My niece practiced holding her breath underwater. And my nephew didn’t mind water in his face either which is a huge step for both of them. Once they were washed and started getting more water on the floor than in the tub I told them it was time to get out. I dried them off and helped them into their pajamas.

We combed their hair, brushed their teeth, and then cuddled on the couch. Though it was a very simple evening, it was one that I will always remember. Their laughs and innocence make my heart so happy. I am so blessed to be able to spend time with them.

Although I am not their mother, I felt inspired that maybe for those 15 minutes I filled a void for them of having a young female presence doing something ordinary with them. My intention is never to replace their mother but to build memories with them as their aunt and as a young female role model.

In Fitness and Nutrition

Sub This for That

November 17, 2020 No Comments

As you read in “Eat Better and Move Better“, we try to maintain a healthy lifestyle by eating whole foods and working out. We try to stick to it about 90% of the time. Yes, we still drink alcohol. Yes, we still go out to eat. Yes, we still have high energy carbs outside of our “window”. But most of the time, we try to be mindful of how and what we are eating. We have found that we can easily sub this item for that item, and we eat foods that are lower in calories and higher in nutritional value.

I wanted to do a post to explain a few things you can do in your kitchen to help yourself if you want to start a nutrition journey. These simple replacements are better for you and will save you some calories. So try to sub this for that and see how you feel!

It may take some time to get used to the new products, but once your palate is used to it, you won’t even notice the difference.

Please note, I am not a nutritionist. These are some things we have learned over the years that work for us so I wanted to share our knowledge.

If it’s in the house, you are going to eat it.
Moderation is key.
You can still eat relatively healthy when you go out to eat (if you make good choices)
Bad food decisions are usually made when you are drinking 🙂
Food prepping helps tremendously.

First of all, you should go through your pantry and refrigerator and get rid of any food that may tempt you -aka that delicious bag of potato chips 🙂 Then plan out your meals for the week for each day. Six small meals a day is ideal. Make your grocery list. Shop and meal prep! If you don’t buy bad foods then you cannot eat bad foods. It all starts at the grocery store. Stay on the outskirts of the store where the fresh food is. Below are a few simple substitutions you can make.

SUBSTITUTIONS

Sub this…… for that

liquid protein flavors for coffee cream/sugar or creamer (We like Quest Salted Caramel or Vanilla) (Premier Protein has some amazing flavors as well)
avocado oil butter for butter
unsalted grass-fed stick butter for salted margarine (Cabot)
unsweetened almond, coconut, or cashew milk for cow milk
Quest protein bars for other snack bars
coconut sugar for white sugar and sugar substitutes such as Sweet and Low
coconut or almond flour for white flour
all-natural peanut, almond, or cashew butter for peanut butter
cage-free, organic brown eggs for eggs (if you can get them straight from a farm or chicken even better)
whole wheat instead of white bread
Ezekiel muffins/bread is even better (made with sprouted wheat)
water, tea, coffee, green tea instead of soda/pop/Coke
extra virgin olive oil or coconut oil for butter or margarine for cooking
dressings made with olive or avocado oil instead of creamy salad dressings (use sparingly)
homemade balsamic even better
avocado oil mayonnaise instead of Miracle Whip or mayo
Bragg’s liquid aminos for soy sauce
cauliflower rice for rice
quinoa for rice or noodles
protein, veggie, or edamame noodles for white noodles
vegan cheese for cheese or make your own cheese
homemade Vegan Cheddar Cheese
homemade Mozzarella
low-fat cottage cheese for regular cottage cheese (2-4%)
plain non-fat Greek yogurt (sweeten with honey and a flavored protein powder) for flavored yogurt
cage-free egg whites for eggs beaters
plant-based wraps or wheat wraps for flour tortillas
mashed cauliflower for mashed potatoes
sweet potatoes for white potatoes
dark chocolate (70% cacao or higher) for milk chocolate (a small piece a day is okay)
kettle-cooked potato chips for chips if you just can’t resist
do not buy and please throw away any products with high fructose corn syrup in them, here’s why

I hope this helps. There is always a good, better, or best option. For example, fries are an option. Choosing sweet potato fries would be better. Subbing a side salad or a vegetable such as broccoli is best. So try to sub this for that and see how it goes. Let us know if you have found any other substitutes that you enjoy.

In Adventures with Gram

She Goes Where We Go

November 10, 2020 No Comments

While Gram has been limited in what she can do and how fast she can go, she has usually been up for an adventure. She goes where we go. When we do something fun or go on an adventure, people always ask, “what did you do with Gram?” We can’t leave her home alone so we take her almost everywhere we go. Our friends know when we come to visit, it’s me, my husband, Gram, and even sometimes the cat.

As you read in “How Did I Get Here“, I have been taking care of Gram for almost five years. In that time, Gram has probably flown on more planes and been on more adventures than she had the previous 91 years of her life. And for that, I am thankful and blessed. Gram goes where we go, and I am sure we probably wear her out, but she just keeps ticking like the Energizer bunny. So strong and inspiring.

Although we know we need a “Break from Gram“, we also know if she goes where we go, she will enjoy it. We all will. Sometimes she takes more coaxing to start the adventure, but almost every time she says thank you and has a huge smile on her face at the end. Since 2016, she has hiked Cooper’s Rock, done shot ski’s in Copper Mountain, sat on the beach in the Outer Banks and Virginia Beach, been on our boat for over 140 hours, sat in between us on the golf cart, and spent hours in the car driving back and forth from Florida to Pennsylvania. Whether our adventures are up and down the East Coast or just a jaunt in the car to the nearest ice cream shop she always seems to have a good time.

Then it happened. This summer, Gram got weaker. It all seemed to have started with a sore on her ankle. Then her right leg was numb so she was getting up several times a night trying to “walk it off.” I was so tired and frustrated. Getting up to walk around on a numb leg just isn’t a good idea. It was then that I started doubting my abilities as a caregiver. Could I continue doing it and keep her safe?

She became more and more wobbly and unsteady. One morning she fell and hit her head. We ended up having to take her to Med Express for stitches. By the time we got there, she didn’t even remember she had fallen.

About a month later, we had five days of respite care (through Hospice), and although we wanted her to go where we went, we also wanted a few days away. Well, when we picked her up 4 days later, she still had the same socks on she went in with. They had her in a hospital gown instead of the clothes I sent with her. Her food was to the side of her bed and completely untouched. She wasn’t up, dressed, packed, or even close to being ready to go home. I was there 30 minutes getting her out of bed, to the restroom, washed up, and into her clothes. Not one person came by. Next, I realized her toothbrush was still in the wrapper. I was LIVID, to say the least.

After that, gram got weaker still. She started having trouble walking even short distances. She started using a walker. Because she had been in the bed for so long, we had to make her walk short distances to try to gain some strength back.

Towards the end of summer, her congestive heart failure started filling her with fluid. She was having a very hard time breathing, and we were scared she wasn’t going to make it. She was so weak, and we were worried we were going to lose her. Hospice was wonderful again, got her some medications, and Gram, the superwoman that she is, nursed her way back to health.

Gram definitely isn’t as strong as she once was and it definitely is getting harder on us as caregivers. She is slower, she is more forgetful, she is weaker, and she is even having trouble standing up. We are so blessed to have had all these wonderful years with Gram, but caregiving is getting harder and harder. She still goes where we go, but it takes a lot more effort and takes a lot more time. She gets worn out more quickly. She needs a wheelchair more often than not. She doesn’t want to go as much anymore either. And we realize it is hard for her and on her body. Sometimes we wonder if we are pushing too hard or expecting too much.

Over the past two months, I have realized that Gram doesn’t really want to get out of bed anymore. Even when we were visiting her daughter and great-grandchildren, she would say “just leave me in bed.” It hit me that she didn’t realize that she was missing time with the kids or her own daughter. Even though she asks about my mom and the kids all the time, she showed little effort in wanting to spend time with them and that made me so sad. I know in her heart she wants to be a part of it all, but in her dementia brain, she could care less.

This realization made us start seriously thinking about getting extra help with Gram. We found a lady who seemed perfect and jumped right in helping Gram, but three days later she quit saying the job was more difficult than she had anticipated. This made us realize that it was time to consider a memory care facility. We do not want to do this by any means, but we can’t take the chance that a caregiver is going to quit on us again, forcing us, and Gram to start over again with another new face in the house . We are also wondering if Gram just wants to sit and do nothing. Does she try so hard to keep moving because she doesn’t want to disappoint us or let us down?

Although I can’t imagine taking her to a facility and dropping her off, we are not confident that we can keep her safe at home. We are so torn. I have been crying on and off for two weeks now. I took her to get her hair done and she could barely make it to the door. We took her to the store, and she could barely get in the car. We took her to sit out by the pool and she tried to get up by herself and fell. We cannot keep our eyes on our 24/7, and we just don’t know what to do. We also know Gram has lived an amazing life, and we want to live ours, too. Does Gram just want to sit in a chair all day? Does she just want to dream of her lost loved ones? Are we pushing her too hard to push herself? We understand that this may be one of the hardest decisions we have to make, and we really don’t want to make. We are scared and nervous and worried about how she will adjust. We are scared, nervous, and worried about how we will adjust. But it appears “life changes” are on our doorstep.

Has anyone had to make this type of decision? What did you do? How did you decide?

In Family

Dad

November 3, 2020 3 Comments

My dad…Just saying those two words bring tears to my eyes. His 69^th birthday would have been October 17. As you read in “About Me“, he’s been gone for over eight years now. Most days, I smile when I think of him. I know he’s looking down on me, happy for me, and even proud of me.

But then there are days, where out of nowhere, it hits you like a ton of bricks. It takes your breath away. And some days you have tears rolling down your face, and you can’t stop. You want him back. You want a hug, a smile, a laugh, or to smell the coffee on his breath when he kisses your cheek.

When you lose a loved one, it leaves such a huge hole in your heart. I haven’t cried over losing my dad in a long time, but for some reason these past few days, I can’t stop. I have tried to figure out why. Maybe it was his birthday. Maybe it was missing being a little kid on Halloween and going trick-or-treating around our town. Maybe it was because he used to rake huge piles of leaves for us to jump in around this time. It doesn’t really matter why because it can sneak up on you out of nowhere.

Jeff was away at work so it was just me in the Kitchen with Gram working on dinner. We always have music on through our Sonos system, which we love! My dad loved music, too. I remember one Christmas my mom bought him a Bose stereo, and he was so excited. Well, actually I think he knew he was getting it, and maybe my sister and I were more excited than he was! I wish I had a picture of it. He was so happy and cute. (Of course, I HAVE a picture of it in a photo album in Pennsylvania 🙁 which does me absolutely no good right now). Anyway, we couldn’t believe he finally got a Bose! He had wanted one for so long. He always loved music and could tell you the name of the song and the artist of almost any tune. Whenever I listen to Bob FM, I always think of him and the old Bose 🙂

Needless to say, I had country music playing through the speakers and a song came on called”Love ya Son, Go Dawgs“. It’s about a dad calling his son and leaving a voicemail. The son plays the voicemail whenever he wants to hear his dad’s message. It reminded me of a voicemail I have from my dad, although right now, I have no idea where it is, but I know I have a saved voicemail on an old phone somewhere.

Listening to that song makes me miss him so much. It makes me think about all the things he has missed out on since he’s been gone such as meeting his grandchildren and my husband. It also makes me miss all of the future things I won’t get to do with him. I won’t get another voicemail from him. I won’t get to hear his voice telling me to check the oil or telling me the weather is too bad to come home. I won’t hear him saying, “love ya and miss ya, talk to you later” on the other end of the phone, and it hurts so badly.

If you’ve lost a loved one, please remember it’s ok to let it go sometimes. No, you can’t hide away forever and you can’t stop living and enjoying your life. Remember, life is so short, you need to live and be happy.

But don’t be surprised when out of nowhere, grief hits you. I found this blog post about dealing with grief when it sneaks up on you. We are all different, and there is no set timeline and standard or manual. You need to lean on your friends and family. And maybe try to figure out why your body is grieving before your mind even puts it together. I hope this post helps finds you well and offers you some comfort if you are having a hard time right now.

In What We Use

iPhone Picture Takers

October 27, 2020 No Comments

If you know me, then you know I LOVE taking pictures. Although I used to switch between Samsung and Apple, I am now all iPhone. Since September 2015, I have taken almost 27,000 pictures! I really need to clean out my iCloud and every other place where I back them up. Needless to say, I was out with my girlfriends one night, and we were taking pictures. They always want to approve them before I post them to social media because I usually get them up right away!

Anyway, one of my friends closed her eyes during the picture. Everyone else looked great. So, she says, “Can you open my eyes?” I said, “Sure.” I picked up my iPhone, went to edit, clicked on the live photo edit button, found a frame where her eyes were open, made it the key photo, and hit done. Everyone was in awe! They said, “How did you do that?” and “You need to do a blog post about this.”

So, here you go ladies! For more advanced explanations, click here. That site is very helpful if you want to experiment with more photo options. This post is just about a few simple tricks that I have learned that may help you. There are a few slight differences between my iPhone 7 Plus and my husband’s iPhone XR. I will give directions from both because I am not sure where the switch occurred.

iPhone 7 Plus

Go to your camera app. Open it. Across the top, there are five buttons. The flash, HDR (which turns it on or off), a circular bursting kind of button (Live photos), the clock which allows you to turn on the self-timer, and the three circles where you can change the filter of pictures.

Personally, I set the flash to auto, the HDR to auto. The burst is where you want to click to turn on Live photos. If it is white then Live photos are off. If it is yellow, Live photos are on. You need Live photos on in order to open people’s eyes. If you are interested in setting the self-timer you can set your camera up from the front or back-facing camera, and you can set the time for 3 or 10 seconds. When you click the last three circles you can set the filter of the pictures. You can always change these after you take the picture, but I like to keep mine sent in VIVID WARM. It just gives everyone a nice color right from the start without having to go in and edit them all.

Our picture with closed eyes

After you take your picture in the Live mode. Click on the picture you want to edit. At the bottom, click on Edit. There are auto enhancements as well as other edits for brightness, etc. I usually don’t mess with these edits very much.

Click above if you want more help with using these edit buttons. But at the bottom, there is Cancel, the Live burst, the three circles where you can change the filter, and a square where you can Crop, straighten or flip the photo.

In order to open the eyes, you want to click on the Live button. About 12 little snippets of your picture will come up. There is a white dot above the one that is currently automatically picked. You can then go from one end to the other to see which picture you like the best. Then you click on Make Key Photo. Then click Done in the bottom right-hand corner. You can always Revert it to the original and/or cancel any changes you made.

iPhone XR

For the iPhone XR, open your camera app. At the top, is the flash and the Live button. You would need to click it to take Live Photos. There is also an arrow in the middle. If you click on that, buttons will pop up at the bottom of the screen. There, you can turn the flash on and off, turn the Live photos on and off, you can change the picture to 4:3, Square, or 16:9, you can set the self-timer or set the Filter. Once you take your picture, the process is the same as above.

There you have it. My tech lesson for the day 🙂 I hope this helps when you have pictures that you love, but that may be blurred or someone blinked their eyes or moved their hands. Many of these things can be fixed!

In Adventures with Gram

Break From Gram

October 20, 2020 No Comments

In May 2020, my husband and I were supposed to be in the British Virgin Islands on a weeklong sailing trip with friends. We planned a wonderful vacation and it was to be a break from Gram and caregiving responsibilities. Of course, because of Covid-19, it was canceled. Therefore, we decided to take scuba diving lessons instead. Since the shop had limited hours, and the pool was closed to the public, the owner was willing to give us private lessons. We did a few class and pool sessions on our own, then, one morning we had no choice but to take Gram to the pool.

Although she did not scuba dive, she had a great time watching us go underwater. She told me that night she was going to learn to scuba dive 🙂 (I love her sense of adventure as I am not confident that she could even swim now!) She also said she saw something new, and she was excited about it. I love that at her age she is still learning and willing to experience everything life has to offer her. She is such an inspiration.

For our first open water dive, we made our way to Venice Beach, Florida with our instructor. We put our gear on at the truck and waded our way across the beach and into the warm Gulf. It was a beautiful day, and we had a little break from Gram. We were excited and couldn’t wait to see what was underneath the surface!

As we descended, we realized the water was not very clear. We all held onto a line so we wouldn’t lose each other. That was our first lesson in realizing you never know what you will find underneath, so be prepared. We saw thousands of sand dollars, a lost anchor, snapper, various other fish, and conch shells. We did two 25-minute dives. Then we swam back to shore and helped each other out of the water. It was an amazing experience!! I was introduced to a whole new underwater world, which I had only seen on TV or while snorkeling.

For our second dive, we took our boat off the shore of Sanibel Island to Doc Kline reef. Our boat felt so small as we were 10 miles out in the Gulf. The waves seemed huge, and I was so nervous. I was very thankful we decided to take a break from Gram and not bring her with us on this trip. She would have been so scared.

We had to fall off the side of the boat to enter the water. I had practiced that part in the pool, but this was the first time doing it from the side of a boat. I was pretty nervous, but I did it. Check out this video. The visibility down below was much better than our first dive!! We dove down to about 36 feet. We did two 30-minute dives with a 30-minute break on the boat in between the dives. This time, we saw beautiful coral reefs, a lost fishing pole, a buried chest, schools of fish, and various sea creatures. I still need to work on relaxing and breathing calmly as my oxygen tank was almost empty after each dive. I also had trouble clearing my ears, which was pretty painful. I came out of the water with a bloody nose, and later, I found out that my ear bled, too. I hope my scuba diving career is not over before it even begins.

When I first started taking care of Gram, someone told me in order to be a good caregiver, I had to take care of myself first. I know that in order to keep my marriage strong, I must learn to balance caregiving with being a wife and a partner to my husband. And I need to realize it is okay to take a break from Gram. It is okay for us to have time for ourselves. As you read in “Yes, WoMan“, I am a Yes girl, but as a caregiver saying yes isn’t as easy as it was before. Arrangements need to be made, details need to be considered, and decisions need to be weighed. Yes, it is worth it, but it is definitely more work.

As a caregiver (or a parent or a grandparent) just remember you need breaks. It is important to keep yourself happy and healthy as well as your relationship with your significant other. So don’t be afraid to give yourself a minute. Don’t be afraid to take a break.

In Travel Junkie

Marja: Coming to America

October 13, 2020 No Comments

Marja’s Perspective

Would you let a stranger from the other side of the globe move into your house and promise to treat them as family? Put that way it sounds crazy! Maybe you’d be more likely to answer “yes” if asked, could you see having an exchange student living with you as a possibility?

However, that’s what it was. At 17 years old, I hopped on a plane and after four flights landed in Northwestern Pennsylvania, as now a new member of Stacy’s family. From her family’s perspective, they drove to the airport as a family and drove back home with a new addition whom they knew very little about.

When Stacy asked me to write for her blog, I immediately had an idea of what I wanted to share. I wanted to tell the world how much we can all gain by opening our hearts and lives to other people. This is also a story of how being real and present in a moment means a billion times more than big gestures.

Stepping into Stacy’s family’s home over twenty years ago for the first time, I was nervous. Everything was new and many things were different from home. However, I soon discovered many things that were the same as in my home in Finland. They were a family who all cared deeply for each other, helped, hugged, laughed, and, like myself, loved basketball.

The latter helped to get me a good start. I recall being anxious about meeting Grandpa and Grandma (Gram) for the first time. During one of the first visits to their home, everyone else was in the kitchen, and I was left in the living room with Grandpa. As a teenager, I wasn’t sure how to start a conversation with him, but in a few seconds, all my insecurity faded because I realized he loved basketball as much as I did! During that year, in Northwestern Pennsylvania, I spent quite a few Sundays at Stacy’s grandparents’ place. Besides Gram’s delicious meatball sauce, moments with grandpa were the highlight of those Sundays. I loved hearing the passion in his voice when he talked about basketball.

During the year, I was treated with many amazing experiences: a visit to Los Angeles to see Stacy, a trip to Niagara Falls, and many others. I’m grateful for all those possibilities! However, the memories that I still remember the best aren’t those. By far, the most precious memories are little glimpses of daily life. Coming home from practice, having Stacy’s dad at home, watching him make dinner, and telling him how the day had gone. Sitting in the back seat on our way to the grocery store and listening to Stacy’s parents talk about all the “ordinary things”. Riding in the red truck with Stacy’s sister. Other memories of my year included Stacy’s family cheering for me at the games, going to football games together, getting ice cream together, and playing Trivial Pursuit.

2020 is actually a great year to talk about this. I love traveling and going to events, but not being able to do that right now isn’t the end of the world. After 20 years, I do remember going to a concert in Pittsburgh with Stacy’s family and going to Six Flags. But when I think back to the afternoons with Stacy’s parents taking me shopping or grandpa telling me about coaching, those are the memories that even now bring back strong emotions and touch me.

Stacy’s family is different from my own family in many ways, but that year taught me that being different doesn’t matter if you’re able to keep an open mind and are willing to listen and show kindness to each other.

Having an ocean between us means we don’t see each other very often, but every time we do, I’m humbled by being welcomed back as a family member.

I try to remember these lessons in my daily life and pass them onto my child. I try to cherish the little things and be present in the moment. I do my best to set an example by keeping an open mind and open heart, and by showing kindness and caring for people who are not close to me.

The Other Side by Stacy’s Mom

Have you ever thought about having a stranger come live with you for a year? Well, that is exactly what my husband and I did in 1998. One of our friends worked at our local high school and asked us if we would want to host a foreign exchange student. We weren’t sure because both of our girls had already graduated, but the exchange student was from Finland, a good student, and a basketball player. My daughters thought it would be fun since they played basketball and their grandfather used to coach basketball. After a couple of months of paperwork and planning, the four of us drove to the airport to pick up our new family member.

Marja was blonde, just like our girls, so she fit right in. She spoke English relatively well though there were a few phrases she didn’t quite understand. She was tall and looked athletic. We were excited to see how the school year would go and couldn’t wait to see her play. My father was pretty excited as well because he now had someone else to watch play basketball since my girls had graduated.

My daughters welcomed her with open arms. Stacy lived with my parents (Gram and Gramps) just down the street while she was doing her student teaching. My younger daughter lived at home for a few weeks and then got an apartment off-campus. Marja was excited to hear about the college experience from both girls.

It was a very eventful year. The girls took a beautiful picture and framed it for my husband and me for our 25th Wedding anniversary. Our local school basketball team did very well and even made the playoffs that year. Marja was a big part of that team and its success. She was tall and had a great three-point shot. We all really enjoyed watching her play.

In January, Stacy moved to California. We loaded up a U-haul in a snowstorm and Stacy, her dad, and her sister drove cross country and unloaded in the sunshine. Marja and I stayed home and bonded while the others were gone. We talked about the similarities and differences between the United States and Finland. We had many nights to get to know each other and each other’s families.

Marja had the chance to go to California that spring with my parents to visit Stacy. She showed them all the sites of Los Angeles, Palm Springs, and San Bernardino. I am glad Marja had the opportunity to see more of the United States than just Northwestern Pennsylvania. Because we live within a couple of hours of Pittsburgh and Niagara Falls, we took her on a few day trips. We also went on the Canadian side of the Falls because Americans did not need passports to enter Canada at that time and, of course, Marja had hers so she was good to go.

Although we were a little apprehensive of getting a foreign exchange student in the beginning, it turned out to be a wonderful experience! We grew to love Marja like our own. To this day, we keep in touch and she, her fiance, and son come to visit as often as they can. They are truly fantastic people, and we are thankful that we got to know and love Marja. And although I have no desire to fly across the Atlantic Ocean, like Stacy did as you read in “Visiting Helsinki and Stockholm”, I wish I could see Marja’s hometown, meet her parents, and thank them for raising a wonderful young lady.

About the Guest Authors

Marja is a wonderful mother, daughter, educator, and friend. She become a part of Stacy’s family in 1998 when she became an exchange student from Finland into Stacy’s family in Northwest Pennsylvania. She is an athletic, free spirit who is a role model to the students she teaches, her own son, and those around her.

Stacy’s mom has got it going on 🙂 She raised two crazy girls and then took on the responsibility of a third. She was always supportive of all three women and is to this day. Although she isn’t as adventurous as they are, she enjoys hearing their stories and seeing their pictures. She also enjoys taking care of her grandchildren, going golfing, and always looks forward to her annual trip to Las Vegas with her cousins.

In Adventures with Gram

Day After Day

October 6, 2020 8 Comments

The movie, 50 First Dates, was released in 2004 so it has been a while since I have seen it, but I love Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler. It’s about a woman (Drew Barrymore) who has short term memory loss and a man (Adam Sandler) who falls for her. But every morning she wakes up and doesn’t remember who he is. So, day after day he goes about making her fall in love with him again by repeating the first date.

When I first started living with Gram back in 2016 (“Life Changes“) she was, for the most part, able to take care of herself. She got herself up, dressed, showered, and even made her own breakfast. She read the paper every morning. I knew she had been diagnosed with dementia, and she would repeat questions, but she was doing well.

Since then, her memory and stability have gotten worse. Although she has declined physically and cognitively, she is still able to do a lot. She is able to feed herself (although I make her breakfast and bring her to the table), remember names, remember people and places. Sometimes she will surprise us all when she asks a question about something that happened the day before.

Although I have heard of Dementia and Alzheimer’s patients being mean and physically aggressive, I rarely have had that experience with Gram. She is the sweetest, kindest, and the most wonderful little lady I know (mostly). Even after five years of being diagnosed with Dementia, she still laughs, cries, and knows what she likes and doesn’t like. And if she can hear you or read your lips, she can have a relatively decent conversation.

That being said, although she continues to do pretty well, I feel like I am living the movie 50 First Dates. Day after day, at the kitchen table in Pennsylvania, we hear the story of how she replanted a twig of a tree in the backyard. She always smiles as she annunciates Grandpa saying “Do you REALLY think THAT is going to grow?” Then she smiles and says I said, “Yes, and now look at it!” And I agree, the tree is huge.

Almost every morning at our house in Florida, after breakfast she asks if she can go sit by the pool. Then she will ask if it’s warm enough. Well, 99.9% of the time it is, Gram…we live in Florida 🙂

Almost daily, Gram asks where my husband is or where my mom is. “Where’s Jeffrey?” or “Where’s Mama?” I often hear. When I tell her, she gets a little sad, and can’t believe they are not home with us. She doesn’t understand anymore that my husband has to work and that requires him to be gone at times, and she doesn’t realize that my mom has moved to Virginia and doesn’t live up the street anymore.

She seems to have a handle on breakfast as it’s the same every day. She eats an over-easy egg and a piece of toast with jelly. At dinner is where we can get the most frustrated. She eats the same thing day after day which is mac and cheese, however, it’s the protein that changes. She will usually eat a few bites, but as soon as my husband and I sit down and put that piece of protein on her plate she asks, “What is This?” We tell her then two minutes later, and often after already having tried it, we hear again “what is this?”, and we tell her again. We usually tell her the truth the first few times she asks, but then we sometimes mess with her and tell her it’s mushrooms (because she hates them) or something so far off base of what is actually on her plate. She just looks at us and shakes her head, says ” I don’t think so” and then proceeds to eat the “unknown”. It is sad to see her little mind not know what something is, especially when she asks what Pepsi is because she’s been drinking it her whole life. I just shake my head and think 50 First Dates.

Every time we are in the car and I take her down a back road or she gets into unfamiliar territory she asks “Where are we?” I tell her, but then a few minutes later the same question again. Sometimes even when we pull into her house that she has lived in for 50 years, she will ask, “Who lives here?”

Almost every night when I put her to bed she will ask, “Is this my bedroom? Is this my bed?” and “Where’s Kuma?”. Kuma is the cat. She always needs to know where the cat is. It’s funny, though, because she talks to that cat like the cat is a person. She offers her food, tells her it’s time to get up, tells her it’s time to eat and tells her it’s time for bed. And if Kuma isn’t in the bed waiting for her then it’s the question, “Where’s Kuma?” Like the cat got up and left. After she kisses me good night, blesses herself, and lays down, she always says, “Stacy, thank you for everything”, which in the end makes it all worth it.

So, my life with gram is essentially like 50 First Dates. We have the same conversations day after day, we do a lot of the same things day after day, I answer the same questions day after day, and I make her the same food day after day. Many people think it’s a glamourous life I lead. Granted, I can travel, I can sit by the pool, I can live in two states, I can visit family and yes, I have been blessed to be able to take her with me on many adventures. But the day-to-day is not glamourous and honestly, sometimes it is downright depressing.

Maybe she asks these questions just to make conversation. Maybe she doesn’t know what else to say. Maybe the logical part of her brain isn’t working anymore. I don’t know, but I do try to learn what I can about the disease, and I do try to make the best of the situation. Either way, like Teepa Snow, says you have to try to find the Gems. Celebrate what she can do, can say, and what she can remember. That is what we try to do day after day.

Being a caregiver doesn’t mean your life is over. It doesn’t mean you have to sit at home with your loved one and watch them sleep (and boy does gram like to sleep!). We have discovered that if you are willing to take the wheelchair, pack up the oxygen, bring an extra change of clothes, answer the same questions over and over, and say the right thing to get them in the car, you can still take that loved one with you almost anywhere you go. Yes, you may have to persuade them. You may have to trick them. You may have to pull out all the stops, just like you may do with a three-year-old, but even though it’s more work, in the end, you both get amazing experiences to cherish.

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Day After Day

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