Lost Without Gram

Honestly, I know it should be somewhat of a relief. I should be excited to have no responsibility, but I feel lost without Gram. She has always been a huge part of my life. It all started the day I was born. My Dad was not able to be there because he was in the Army and deployed to Korea. Therefore, Gram was the one with my mom at the hospital, and she was the one who carried me home. Gram was a constant in my life. She lived three blocks away, she was at most of my athletic events, and she was there for all the important dates like Prom and Homecoming.

My Grandparents supported my move to California when I felt I needed to get out of my small town. They came all the way out to visit me with our foreign exchange student Marja. Gramps was so excited to go to Dodger Stadium for a baseball game and Dodger Dog. I showed them around Los Angeles, Palm Springs, and San Bernandino.

Once I moved to Richmond, my grandparents again made many trips up and down the interstate to visit. We saw each other for holidays, birthdays, and random times in between. When I decided to quit my job and move to Thailand, Gram was sad to see me leave but was one of my biggest supporters.

Even though she was my grandmother and had been a part of my life since I was born, these past five years were different. Our relationship became so much more. At first, when she was more independent, she was my partner in crime. We did everything together. It was nice to have someone to keep me company. We went shopping, we traveled up and down the East Coast, and of course, we drove to the nearest ice cream shop. We weren’t in a hurry and we weren’t trying to meet deadlines or set any records. We just went where we wanted to go when we wanted to go. Gram rarely complained. She was always up for a ride in the car. She loved my little convertible EOS. And I usually loved her by my side except when she would say some embarrassingly loud comment about the “geezer” getting gas at the pump next to us in his fancy convertible. Oh, gram.

After a while, she became a little more dependent on me, and then it seemed she became more like the child I never had. I got to know her really well. I knew what she liked to eat, what she was about to say, when she had to go to the bathroom, and what color she wanted on her nails. I imagine this is what having a three-year-old is like 🙂 But I loved having this little lady by my side. She smiled, she laughed, and she just went with the flow. She never had a whole lot to say but every now and again that little lady would make me laugh so hard. Some of my fondest memories and best pieces of advice came In the Bathroom with Gram. Because my grandmother knew me almost as well as I knew her, she would tell my mom and my friends that we can’t tell Stacy how much we like Jeff or she won’t like him. She was his biggest fan and of course, I became his biggest fan, too.

So six weeks after her passing, here I am, lost without Gram. I miss her advice. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss my sidekick.

For five years, I worked odd jobs even though my biggest job was caring for Gram. I just felt like I needed to do something. I needed to have a “job”. I don’t know why I felt defined by my “job” but for some reason, it has always mattered to me. It’s the first question people ask when you meet them. I realized how lost without Gram I was at our last ski week. We met new friends on the mountain and everyone had a job. Some were in real estate, some in film and of course, most of mine were pilots. Then someone asked me, “What do you do?”. Hmmm, what was I going to say? I wasn’t an educator anymore, I wasn’t a caregiver anymore, I wasn’t a realtor anymore. Who was I? I felt like I didn’t have an identity. I was just a pilot’s wife being a ski bum on a beautiful mountain.

I know I am a strong, independent woman with the most amazing husband. I know I am an aunt and I love those little ones so much. I know I am a travel junkie and can’t wait for more amazing adventures. But what do I say? What do I do now? I guess it’s ok to take the time to figure that out, but it’s hard, and it honestly has me a little lost without Gram. One wonderful friend of mine suggested I say something like “After five years of caregiving, I am taking some time to enjoy my husband and my marriage while I figure out my next adventure.” And that is amazing advice but it’s so hard to be patient and to not feel a little lost.

I know I am on a new journey and right now even though I am lost without Gram, I do believe something exciting and meaningful will come my way. I will never forget my time with Gram or the memories I made with her. She left me on this Earth a better person than I was five years ago and for that, I will forever be grateful. I am excited to see what this next chapter of my life will bring and maybe my husband and I won’t feel so lost without Gram. Maybe we will be led by Gram to new adventures, new memories together, and new times to cherish. I am surrounded by one amazing, loving, supportive husband and several wonderful friends and family members. Whatever will be is meant to be, and I have to have faith that all my angels above will lead us in the right direction.