caregiver for grandparents Archives - Inspired & Strong | Making the Best of Every Day with Stacy

Hi Gram,

Three years ago today, we said goodbye. So many ups and downs since then. Where has the time gone? It seems like just yesterday I was driving you and Gramps home from Virginia after his month-long stay in the hospital. We lost him just a week later on February 4th. I can’t believe that was eight years ago. I miss his big belly laugh so much. He was so full of life. I wish there was a way to know him as I did as my Grandpa but also if I could go back in time and know him as a young adult. I think he would have been a very interesting young man to know as My Prince and I hear many, many stories of “Coach” from his former players and friends.

After Gramps passed away, we had a lot of fun didn’t we, Sweet Gram? I miss our times together. Even though we had many ups and downs, overall I had the best time living with you and taking care of you. I can’t believe it has been three years since we lost you. I think about all of our adventures often, and we talk about them all the time with others who remember you and others who never had the chance to meet you.

My first summer back in my hometown we did a few updates to your house including a new roof, new floors, new carpet, and some outside landscaping. We made several fires as we always needed to take the chill off. We napped during the day anytime we wanted to. We drove to softball games so you could see me help coach my alma mater’s team. We also found as many ice cream joints as we could. We zipped around in my little EOS convertible without a care in the world. (I am sure you know I am now on my fourth EOS 🙂 It’s blue and beautiful.)

We had so much fun driving up and down the East Coast visiting the family in Virginia and your condo in Fort Myers. Those first two years we were together were full of so many ups and downs. We learned that my sister had the dreaded C word. Then a few months later, while we were in Fort Myers, we met the man who would become my forever Valentine. You liked him so much and he must have liked us, too. As you can see lots of ups and downs.

The next year we lost the sweetest, kindest soul, my sister. It was a shock that her battle with cancer only lasted 18 months. I couldn’t believe she was gone. It was one of the hardest times in my life. I was blessed to have you, my friends, and My Prince to support me through the grief.

Later that year, we moved to Florida to be with My Rock. We continued driving up and down the East Coast but now we were a trio. The next year your health declined a bit but My Heart and I got engaged and married. More ups and downs for sure.

We continued our adventures together. We watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. We sat by the pool and took you on the boat. We visited friends and family. We even took you hiking and out to the mountains of Colorado. Sometimes you didn’t want to go but after some arm twisting you were all smiles and at the end of the night you thanked us for such a good time.

Gram, life is so full of ups and downs. I guess we need the downs to appreciate the ups. I don’t know. I loved all of our ups and downs together and miss you like crazy. I know when the rest of us get to Heaven it will seem like no time has passed. Until then those of us down here will keep having our ups and downs on this journey we call life.

In Adventures with Gram

99 Years

September 13, 2023 1 Comment

Today would have been 99 years for Gram. Wow. What an amazing life. Even though she only made it to 96 1/2 she showed people what it meant to be alive. I miss her so much and wish I could kiss her sweet little face and help her celebrate her day.

99 years. Can you even imagine? I remember when I was a little kid looking up at my parents and thinking they were so old. I calculate the ages they were then and now I am older than they were! Oh, how times have changed because clearly, 47 is not so old anymore!

As I sit here and contemplate all the losses I’ve had over the past 11 years, I think what a difference in ages of all my people’s deaths. Dad was 60. My uncle was 61. My grandpa thrived until 90. My sister was just getting started at 38. And Gram was called up at 96. Why do the numbers make us feel that some people missed out while others lived a full life? Does it make it better that they are older when they go? And why? Is it true that my grandparents lived a full life while my sister and my dad missed out? Just because they only lived to be 38 and 60 does it mean they were incomplete? Or did they find love and happiness and did they pass onto the next adventure complete and full?

I don’t know the answers. I know how I feel and I know what the Medium told me when I connected with them. I feel like the older we are the more we get to see, the more we get to experience, and the more we get to do. But what if you find happiness at a young age? Or what if you never explore anything at all? Is your life still complete because that’s the way you wanted to live it? Why do we feel bad for those who had to leave this world at a young age? Why do we feel bad when anyone has to leave this world at all? If we believe there is something more then we truly should be celebrating that those souls are in the most peaceful and magical place. So why does it hurt so bad? And why does our grief overwhelm us at times? I think we are really sad for ourselves because we feel incomplete without our people, and we can’t get past the fact that they are okay without us.

All I know is that I miss my people and sometimes it hits harder than on other days. I need to do a better job of recognizing the signs from Heaven that they send me. I know when we meet again it will be amazing and even though sometimes I feel sorry for myself because they are not here, I know I need to celebrate that they are in a better place.

So here’s to you, Gram, we wish you a happy birthday and hope you have a wonderful time celebrating your 99 years up there with the family. We miss you all terribly and can’t wait until we can all celebrate together again. Until then we will toast you and look for those signs. Have the happiest of birthdays, sweet gram!

In Adventures with Gram

St. Patty’s Day

March 14, 2023 2 Comments

In February, I shared my Letter from Gram. She has been gone just over two years. I still miss her like crazy, and I wish that the people who did not have the chance to meet her could know her somehow. Therefore, I will continue to try to keep her spirit alive by sharing wonderful memories of her and our adventures together. St. Patty’s Day is especially memorable for me as a wonderful group of people renamed it St. Gram’s Day.

Two years ago, My Hubby and I skipped the International ski week (which was canceled anyway due to Covid), and we planned a trip to Jackson Hole, WY. It was a beautiful little town and the view from the top of the mountain was the fantastic. However, the most memorable experience for me was with my amazing ski friends during an apes ski get together. We all had gathered on the deck of our hotel for a post ski day St. Patty’s celebration. Little did I know, this group of about 20 people (led by two fantastic people) had shirts made with Gram’s picture in the Instagram logo with the phrase “Do It For The Gram” (which is apparently a slang for taking photos for Instagram). My husband gave a little speech, and they all unzipped their jackets simultaneously. And there she was! Gram, our Matriarch, and her sweet little smile.

This week of St. Patty’s Day, we are out in Colorado skiing Copper Mountain and Aspen Snowmass. We have a smaller group than usual because many of the airlines went to Norway for the international ski week and competition. Our team decided not to go. Therefore, several of us decided to ski together at these two mountains.

Even though not everyone will remember Gram or what this group of people did, I will never forget the meaningful gesture these folks put together for me. Many of them had the pleasure of knowing sweet gram while some did not. But they all were more than willing to put on her sweet face.

These are the kinds of friends that will forever remain in my heart. I may only see them on ski weeks and may only get to have a beer or two with them throughout the week but their kindheartedness will forever live in my memory. Their love for us and for Gram is beyond comparison.

This St. Patrick’s week along with all the ones in the future will forever hold a special place in my heart. I can’t thank you enough sweet husband of mine and amazing friends for making that trip so special and for keeping Gram’s memory alive.

In Family

My Grandfather

February 7, 2023 No Comments

This past Saturday marked seven years since my grandfather took his last breath. My mom, gram, and I were there by his side. He had been on the decline for a while but it really showed the last month of his life and that last week. He couldn’t eat or drink. He quit talking, and anyone who knows him knows that he was a talker! We asked the priest from our hometown to come to deliver the anointing of the sick per our Catholic traditions. Even though she couldn’t be there in person, my sister was able to participate by phone. It seemed the end was near.

I couldn’t believe we were going to lose him. He had just turned 90 and seemed so full of life. He loved spending Christmas with all of us in Virginia, and he loved going to Fort Myers afterward. Many of my favorite memories with them are driving them to and from Florida. Gram would be in the passenger seat with the Atlas on her lap and my grandfather in the backseat snoring.

He loved going to the condo in Fort Myers. He loved sitting out on the lanai eating breakfast and reading his newspaper. Their best friends lived in the condo across the street. Both couples were getting older and traveling was getting harder. My grandfather also loved calling people on his cell phone. He was always so loud. He would usually start every conversation with some kind of joke and then just start laughing hysterically. He loved to laugh. He also loved to eat which is why he had congestive heart failure and diabetes which ultimately led to his end.

I came home from Thailand on December 18, 2015. I wanted to see my newborn nephew as well as spend time with my grandparents that Christmas. We had a great few weeks together, making pierogies and getting ready for Christmas. The day after Christmas I was supposed to drive my grandparents to Fort Myers for the winter. But Christmas evening my grandfather didn’t look well, and my sister suggested he go to the emergency room. This was not good. I was supposed to leave on New Year’s Eve to head back to my teaching position. Those first few days I was so torn and it didn’t appear that Gramps was getting out of the hospital any time soon. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but after some discussion, I decided I had done enough traveling for the time being and would stay home and see where the journey led.

After a month in the hospital, visits from family, and time in rehab, Gram and I took my grandfather home to Pennsylvania in Hospice care. He wanted more than anything to go to Fort Myers, but I just couldn’t fathom driving with him for 16 hours by myself. He couldn’t even hold himself up let alone walk into rest areas or restaurants. How could I get him there and then get him into the condo? Against his wishes, we decided to take him seven hours home to PA. My cousin had to help me get him into the house. Boy, was that a fiasco! Thanks, cuz! But we got him in. Hospice came that afternoon, and they told us he would be ok. But a few days later, it seemed the end was inevitable.

I can’t believe it’s been seven years. How has so much time passed already? My grandfather was right there by my side for the first 40 years of my life. I am beyond blessed that during my childhood he and Gram lived two blocks from us. My grandfather would take my sister and me everywhere. My parents both worked as did Gramps but he was the one who had the flexibility in his schedule to pick us up from school. Once he scooped us, he would take us up to the gym, and we would mess around in the weight room or watch as his players practiced as he was the basketball coach at Alliance College. When it was nice out we would go on the field and throw the softball around. He was all about sports, and he didn’t care that we were girls. He was going to turn us into the best athletes possible.

He wasn’t always the gentle teddy bear, especially when it came to athletics. He would push us and demand we do better. He would even swear under his breath when we got it wrong or messed around. And as much pressure, as you may think that put on us, I wouldn’t have traded it for the world. He was the guy you didn’t want to disappoint. He was the guy you wanted to prove yourself to. He was the guy who would eventually tell you how proud he was of you.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t think about my grandfather a lot. I am not sure why. Maybe because I feel guilty for not taking him to Fort Myers. Maybe because I remember so many good times with him that it hurts to think about them. Maybe because I started caregiving for Sweet Gram right away and need to be strong for her. I don’t know. Or maybe he is just always right there that I don’t have to consciously think about him.

But always, I will cherish the memories of you, Gramps. I will look for all the signs from heaven that you are here and around me every day. I will celebrate the wonderful life you lived, and I will thank God this life had you for 90 wonderful years. Miss you much!

In Adventures with Gram

Happy 98 Years Gram!

September 13, 2022 No Comments

Today would have been Gram’s 98th Birthday! She was only a year and a half short. What an amazing life she lived and what wonderful things she saw over those 96 years. Can you even imagine all the changes that occurred from 1924 to 2021???

Speaking of change, a few things have changed since Gram left us here on Earth. My Rock and I bought Gram’s House from my mom last year right before Gram’s birthday. When we got here this summer, we decided to update a few things around. We wanted to make the house a little bit more “ours” and a little less “grandparent-looking”. I started by painting some of Gram’s old furniture. I used an oil-based primer called Stix and Red Ochre Chalk paint. We didn’t want to spend money on furniture that wasn’t really needed, but we wanted a fresher look. Although I am not much of an artist, I think they turned out pretty good if I do say so myself! Changing paint color and hardware can make such a difference. We also got a new dining room table and chairs from Jeff’s mom as well as some new area rugs that have really made a difference. One of my very good friends helped me reupholster the chairs. I could have never done it without her! I think they are awesome!

We hired a contractor and had a beadboard ceiling installed in our three bedrooms and little bathroom. We had those rooms and the front room painted. Jeff also did some work on our front porch. We had a new carpet installed, and he updated the posts that were falling apart. We also changed the door handles from gold to bronze and updated the electrical outlets from cream to white. No one probably will ever notice except for us but we love the little changes!

Another project that we loved was restoring a picture I found in my grandparents’ basement. It had some mold and water damage to it but it was a beautiful picture of the Hotel Rider. The Hotel Rider was a huge hotel that sat on the hill in Cambridge Springs, PA. It was constructed around 1895 but burned to the ground in 1931. My grandparents were very involved with Alliance College and the Hotel Rider became the college in 1912. Not sure where the picture came from but it was in pretty bad shape. We took the picture to Eva Art Conservation in northern Virginia hoping she could save it. She spent hours upon hours and a couple of years on our picture but the end product is absolutely amazing! She was wonderful to work with, and I highly recommend her if you need any art restored. I think Gram would be so happy that we have this beautiful picture hanging in our fireplace room. She used to tell stories of how she saw the hotel burning from her farm when she was seven years old. We even have pictures of the fire that we need to get framed.

Another change that occurred was the selling of Gram’s Condo. I was very torn about selling the condo. My grandparents loved going to the condo. It was such a part of them and it was the place where Jeff picked me up for our very first date. My therapist reminded me that since my grandparents are gone, I will not be making any more memories with them in the condo. The memories I have are already made and will always be with me. Although we loved having an extra spot for people to stay when they came to town, we decided it was time for it to go. We had started renting it in 2021 and just didn’t want to have to deal with the nonsense anymore.

We aren’t sure that we really need another “house” but Jeff and I are hoping to find something small in Richmond so we can be closer to my mom and the kids. Although I know my grandpa would be a little disappointed that we don’t have the condo anymore, I think he would be very happy that we want to be closer to family, and that we sold it at the top of the market.

So, Gram, I hope you have the most wonderful birthday up in Heaven celebrating 98 years. I know you will all be together for a great birthday bash! I hope you enjoy the changes we are making down here, and we wish you were here to see them for yourself. Please tell everyone we love and miss them. Can’t wait until you visit again either in my dreams or as a beautiful cardinal.

In Adventures with Gram

Letter to Gram IV (The End)

August 30, 2022 No Comments

Here is the End of my letter to Gram. If you missed it, start from the beginning with Letter to Gram then Part II Change, and Part III Frustration. We felt we couldn’t take good care of Gram anymore so we made the difficult decision of putting her in a memory care unit.

Dear Gram,

They told us not to come back for two weeks. I am not sure that was the best thing for you but we followed directions. When I came back you were very upset with me for putting you into the home. It was the only time in my life where I have seen you that upset and that mean. You were so upset. It was a sight I never wanted to see again. Of course, it made me doubt everything we were doing.

I didn’t want to put you into a home. I wanted to keep you with us. I wanted to keep taking you on new adventures, and I wanted you to live to be 100 years old! I thought if anyone could make it, you could.

You were in the home for about three months. Sometimes you seemed really happy there and others you were sad and wanted to come home. They told us they usually had a lot of activities with music and socializing but because of Covid-19 they couldn’t do it. I don’t know if these activities would have helped you. I don’t know if you would have participated or not. You only told us that everyone in there was old and all they did was sleep! Pretty funny coming from a 96-year-old who enjoyed napping as well. But you were used to being with people half your age so I understood where you were coming from.

In January, Jeff and I went skiing. Within our travels, we ended up getting Covid. We didn’t want to spread it through the senior living center so it was another 10 days before I could see you. I came back the day you got your second Covid vaccine. You took it like a champ, and we spent a few hours enjoying the sunshine on the back patio. I shared pictures of our ski trip and you told me how much you missed the snow. Then you told me to go home.

That evening we were out to eat when we got another dreaded phone call. You had fallen and hit your head. We raced to the hospital to be with you. Because of Covid, I was the only one allowed to go back into the room with you. I was seriously disappointed in the senior living center. They called me and said they were taking you to the ER. When I got there no one was with you. They just handed the ER nurse some paperwork and let you go. You had dementia. Yes, you would know your name and your date of birth but you couldn’t tell them what happened. You didn’t know. You barely remembered that you fell when I got there. I am so grateful that I was in town so that I could come to be with you. It astonishes me the way these facilities treat people and just send them to the hospital alone.

You were so scared and blood was all in your hair. After several x-rays and scans, the doctor told me your head was alright but you broke your right hip again. And since you already had it replaced once there was nothing they could do but give you pain meds and send you back home.

I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to take you home so bad and I think that is part of my regret and guilt. I think that is why I am having such a hard time letting you go. I knew the only chance of you getting better was if I took you home and nursed you back to health. And I was so torn. Did you want to stay on Earth with us? Or were you tired of getting drug around from place to place? I was scared also that I would be back to 24-hour care. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to help you. How much could I take on? How much could you take of trying to rehab your hip again? Would you survive it? We decided to take you back to the senior living center.

We met you back at the senior living place. We told all of the staff that your hip was broken and to please tell the next shift. We gave them the order for pain meds. It was the middle of the night so I was not hopeful that any of this would happen.

I came the next morning and again told the staff about your hip. The meds hadn’t been ordered yet. We did get you up and in your wheelchair. Your leg was swollen you were in a lot of pain. I am sorry if we did too much too soon. The doctor did not give us any instructions. He just said it would be painful but to try to make you move. I didn’t want you to just lay there but I don’t know how much we should have moved you either. I was at a loss.

The new head nurse at the facility was not a nice person, and she was not happy that you were back in their care. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I was afraid you were going to get kicked out. And maybe that would have been the best thing to happen. The next two weeks were awful. You were in so much pain. The staff was mishandling you, and I felt helpless. Hope Hospice was wonderful. They came and took care of you and tried the best they could to keep you comfortable. You just wanted to go home. And I am truly sorry that I didn’t bust you out and bring you home sooner. Two weeks later, you were gone.

The day before you passed I made arrangements to bring you home. I couldn’t take you being in that home anymore. And I felt so guilty for not taking you home right away. You weren’t eating, you were fading away. You were barely talking. You said they were mishandling you. You were pissed at me. I knew I had to do something. Hospice again was wonderful and made arrangements for a hospital bed in the home. You would be there the next day. I had it set up so you could look outside and see the pool. I was so glad you were coming home. We came back and visited you again that evening.

But we were too late. At 4:30 am on February 24, 2021, I got the phone call. You were gone. My heart was broken. I know they say people go when they want to go. Maybe you didn’t want to burden me to care for you 24/7 again. Maybe you didn’t want to put me through the pain of watching another family member enter Heaven from home. Maybe you would have made it if I would have done it a day, two days, or a week earlier. I don’t know the answers to these questions. I just know from my own guilt that I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to be there to hold your hand when you took your last breath. I wanted you to be in your favorite spot right by the pool one more time. I wanted Kuma, the crazy cat, to be snuggled beside you, too. But these are my wants and my guilts and honestly, I don’t know how to get over them. I am so so sorry that I wasn’t there for you in those final moments like you were always there for me. Please forgive me.

So, there you have it, my letter to Gram. All of my guilts and thoughts and failures. And there are so many who have told me that I gave her five wonderful years that she wouldn’t have had without me and in my head, I know she was tired of fighting and being dragged around by us and just wanted to be with her “daddy” (as she called Gramps) in Heaven, but my heart hurts so bad sometimes I can’t take it. I just miss her so much. I miss her cute smile, her laugh, and her positive attitude.

And in my head, I know that bringing her home earlier may not have made any difference. Not putting her into Senior Care may not have made a difference or may have had a more terrible outcome. I guess all I can say is that I am sorry that I disappointed you, Gram. I love you with all my heart and miss you terribly. Please forgive me.

In Family

PNA Golf

June 21, 2022 2 Comments

This past weekend at the Venango Valley Inn and Golf Course we had the annual Polish National Alliance (PNA) Golf Tournament. This has recently been renamed the “Thaddeus Haluch Memorial Golf Tournament” in honor of my grandfather. Grandpa ran the tournament for at least 37 years. and it has been held on Friday and Saturday of Father’s Day Weekend every year since I can remember. He passed away in 2016 so I decided I needed to keep up the tradition. I ran it for another five years with help from our Lodge 1540 and the West End Lodge in Pittsburgh. It become difficult for me to run from Florida, therefore, I asked the guys from the West End Lodge to take it over. Even though my family still helps with the logistics, Jeff, mom, and I get to golf if we want to!

Last year was my first time golfing. I had taken three lessons prior to the outing, and I thought I was going to be GOOD! Haha! Little did I know that golf is a very complicated game. I had a wonderful time and loved being a part of this tournament and actually golfing in it. But I won “high score”. In golf, the goal is to get the lowest score! My grandpa would have just shaken his head and said, “You need to keep your head down.” This year, I did improve my game and did not come in last place! Definitely, something to celebrate! On the opposite end of the spectrum, my mom won the tournament for the ladies (as she has at various times over the years).

Since I was a little girl I have been helping with this golf tournament. Grandpa would start getting stressed in May when the golfers would turn in their registration forms late or cancel at the last minute. My gram took the brunt of the frustration, but we all saw it. He would stress himself to the max letting 130-150 golfers play in this thing. But he loved it. He loved seeing all of the guys from the different lodges throughout Pennsylvania. He loved being the big guy and speaking at the awards banquet. And everyone loved seeing him, too.

It really is a great tournament with years of tradition. You get two days of golf, snacks throughout the day, the best Polish kielbasa, pop, beer, a gift, and dinner on Saturday. Plus, if you happen to be good enough you can win money and a trophy for first, second, and third place (if you are a part of the PNA by having a life insurance or annuity policy). My grandpa arranged the golfers by Flights depending on their scores from the previous year. If you never golfed in this tournament before you were not eligible to win a prize. But if you win your flight you move up to the next one the next year.

Our family has been involved in this tournament for over 40 years. When we were little, my sister and I would volunteer to take the most candy bars we could get that we had to sell for our softball teams. We knew Gramps would tell the golfers he needed a $1 for the 50/50 and $1 for a candy bar. They had to buy the candy whether they wanted to eat it or not! As we got older we drove around on the beer cart. We would have a boat load of cash tips at the end of the day. We thought it was the greatest thing. Even as adults we would man the beer cart and make some money.

My grandpa was old school so of course everything was done by hand. He also didn’t trust the guys so we needed to add up the scores. Then we needed to break any ties. Then we needed to write down their names, lodges, and scores in two places. It took us HOURS to do this. Most of the time we missed dinner and all the golfers just sat there waiting.

Eventually, gramps gave in to the computer, and I would sit on the course and take scores. That way they were added up correctly, and we could sort them and decide the next day’s pairings more quickly. It made it quicker but still, Friday was a long, long day that turned into a long, long night. On Saturday, we had to be down there at 6:30 am to get everything ready for the 8:00 am tee time. Many guys wouldn’t show up because they had too much fun the night before.

Once my sister and I were old enough to drink we would hang out in the bar with the golfers on Friday night. Of course, we didn’t pay for one drink. Grandpa was always worried about the drinking but he loved this weekend and looked forward to it every year. By Saturday evening, he was grinning ear to ear. He loved this tournament.

The past two years have been emotional for me. They were the first two years without gram or gramps. We had 20 new players this year and it hit me that they didn’t get the pleasure of meeting either one of my grandparents. It makes me sad that people won’t get to know them and what they meant to this golf tournament and what the tournament meant to them.

It’s hard to explain especially if you didn’t have a chance to meet my grandparents. It’s hard to understand what a golf tournament can mean to a family. I love that my grandparents knew so many people and that I get to hear their stories. I hope that those who knew my grandparents continue to pass along stories of them to the younger generations. I hope that they appreciate all that they were.

If you are interested in joining the PNA by buying a life insurance policy or annuity, please contact me.

In Adventures with Gram

Letter to Gram III (Frustration)

June 14, 2022 No Comments

This is post III of my letter to Gram. I told you it was LONG!! If you are just joining us, head on back to check out Letters to Gram I and II (Change). Writing this letter was very therapeutic for me and maybe writing a letter to your lost loved one will help you, too. Reading these letters again as I edit this post about Gram and my frustration just brings tears to my eyes. I miss that little lady so much.

Last week, my husband and I were blessed to have one of my Gramps‘ former basketball players and his wife at our house for an overnight stay. They were so close to my grandparents that they called them “Mama and Papa”. Hearing their stories of my grandparents and seeing the love in their eyes just touches my heart. My grandparents were the most amazing people and influenced so many lives. Even though I had over 40 years with them I wish I had more. I wish I would have had the pleasure of knowing my grandparents as young adults.

And now to continue on with my Letter to Gram….

Dear Gram,

After our trip to Florida where we met Jeff and Virginia to visit the family, we settled in for the northwest PA spring. That summer, I started working at Bill Lawrence Personal Fitness and took you with me many times. Everyone loved saying hi and chatting with you. You were such an inspiration because you had to climb up two flights of stairs to get to the gym every time we went. Thank you for letting me drag you along. I know it must have been more difficult and frustrating than you led on, but I think you enjoyed being around people even if they were 40 years younger than you.

Over the next three years, we had many great adventures. Jeff and I got more serious, and he asked us to move to Florida for most of the year. We became Sunbirds and started going to Florida for the winter and Pennsylvania in the summer. We flew more times those last five years of your life than you did the whole 91 years before. Even though you were becoming forgetful and on medication for dementia, you still remembered all of the family members and all of the former Alliance students as well. You were happy and willing to do almost anything we asked of you. Rarely did you show any frustration or anger.

In 2018, we lost my sister to cancer. You were upset that it was her and not you. You didn’t understand how or why these things were happening. We vowed to spend more time with the kids and mom in Virginia so we traveled up and down the highway even more.

Soon, you became less independent. I couldn’t leave you for an extended period of time. You started falling from time to time and once even had to get seven stitches put in your head. Jeff and I got engaged, and although we loved taking you with us, we wanted some time for just us. I remember starting to feel a bit resentful and frustrated about having to stay home with you (and boy, do I regret that now) when we couldn’t find anyone to relieve us of our caretaking duties. What I wouldn’t give to spend another beautiful day with you just chilling by the pool.

Even though we had many great talks in the bathroom, I was starting to get down. I wanted to travel more. I wanted to be able to pick up and go and not worry about finding someone to stay with you. I didn’t feel like I had any help except for my Prince, my cousin across the street, a wonderful friend from elementary school, and some amazing, caring teenagers. My caregiving job was getting harder and harder, and I felt like I was not being fair to you.

I feel terrible about how frustrated I would get sometimes with you. I didn’t know how to stop and breathe and just let it go. I didn’t know how to not be selfish. I didn’t want to resent my husband for getting to go while I had to stay home with you. And I didn’t want to resent you for having to stay home. And yes, I know there are worse things than having to sit and watch Wheel of Fortune with you. Honestly now, I wish you were here so we could relax by the pool while Jeff ran around like a gypsy!

I just wanted help. I wanted a granny nanny who could be on call when we needed her and who would treat you like we did. I know plenty of families who had nannies. Could it be that hard to find someone to stay with you? I didn’t think it would be.

We searched Care.com and interviewed tons of people. We found one lady who actually worked with you for about two weeks. I was so happy to have help and to have someone we could trust when we wanted to take a trip. But then she quit. We interviewed more people but no one seemed right for the job. I guess the task is different from asking someone to care for a child and asking someone to care for an elderly woman.

After discussions with mom and Jeff and after you fell again when I was on the other side of the pool, we decided that a senior living center was probably our only option. We wrote you a letter and you agreed that it was time to go. We told you that you would have your own apartment and you seemed really excited about it. We dropped you off and when we left you were all smiles. It was such a relief. I really hoped you would enjoy being in a place where you could relax and not be drug around with us. I was hoping you would make new friends and thrive in your new living environment. But the next three months were some of the most difficult for me and probably for you, too. Please know that leaving you in the senior living center was one of the hardest things I have had to do.

Deciding when to be a caregiver and when to give it up is a very personal and difficult decision. As a caregiver, you do need to put yourself and your relationships first. That way you can be the best caregiver to those you are caring for. There are many decisions to weigh and lots of options out there. Do what is best for you!

There is still one more letter…the story continues.

In Adventures with Gram

Letter to Gram II (Change)

April 12, 2022 4 Comments

Today’s post is a continuation of my Letter to Gram. If you are jumping in, head on back to that first post about how writing a letter to your loved one can be therapeutic. This letter is the second part of my letter to Gram and about how much changed that first year I had the opportunity to take care of her.

Dear Gram,

Our journey continues. After 16 years in Richmond, I needed a change. I was not happy with my job or the dating scene. I met a friend of a friend who was moving to Thailand to teach English. It sounded like something that I just needed to do. I had the same feeling in my stomach as when I moved to California. I just knew I had to go.

As I was considering moving to Thailand, Grandpa voiced his opinion and didn’t really want me to go. He was about to turn 90, and I think he was scared he wouldn’t make it until my return. Maybe he knew his health was failing. He had been in and out of the hospital the year prior with his congestive heart failure, but he always bounced back. I don’t remember you telling me not to go. I only remember your support and you probably told me Gary and Shar used to live there, too! I think you were excited for me to go on a crazy adventure, and I couldn’t wait to see the world.

Even though I was only gone three months, I did miss Grandpa’s 90^th birthday bash, and I am really sorry that I did. He was so happy and many of his old players and students came back for the occasion. Mom did FaceTime me so I did get to see you dancing with the toy soldier and got to be a part of some of the celebration.

I also missed the beautiful birth of my nephew. I knew there would never be a time that I wouldn’t miss something so I will never regret going to Thailand and gaining all that I experienced. But I also wish I could have been in two places at the same time. (of course! I am a Yes, Woman!)

I ended up coming back from Thailand for Christmas to see the family and my new nephew who was only 19 days old. That Christmas of 2015, Gramps got sick. My sister asked him if he wanted to go to the emergency room and he said yes. So off we went. He had fluid built up around his lungs and ended up having a longer stay than any of us wanted. I remember you not wanting to leave his side, and I wish I would have talked the staff into letting us both stay to be with him. I didn’t realize how much you felt the need to be there until I was the one who wanted to stay with you in the hospital room. I am sorry that we didn’t let you stay. I know the staff said it was a liability, and we didn’t want you to fall and get hurt either, but I finally realized how much you truly wanted to be there. And how lonely the hospital room can be.

After a week of Gramps being in the hospital, we all decided I wasn’t going back to Thailand. I had some wonderful adventures and saw nine new countries including Germany, Finland, Sweden, and The Netherlands so I decided I would stay home and spend time with you and Gramps. My house in Richmond was rented until September, and I was unemployed. Gramps spent a month in rehab while you and I stayed with mom. Finally, we decided to take Grandpa back home to Pennsylvania with Hospice Care. It was going to be a big change, but I would move in and be there for you both.

We made it home and my cousin across the street helped me get Gramps in the house. It was not an easy task, and I am not sure how we did it. Grandpa was so upset that we weren’t in your condo in Florida and once he saw the hospital bed in the living room, he seemed deflated. I think maybe it was his last wish to be in sunny Florida before he passed on.

My mom came up a few days later but after a week, Grandpa’s body couldn’t fight anymore. We called the priest in for the anointing of the sick and all prayed together with my sister on the phone. The next morning, he faded out and was gone. I am sorry, Grandpa, that I was not there to hold your hand as you headed toward the light. And I am sorry, Gram, that you barely made it to tell him you loved him one more time. It seemed to happen so fast, and I hate that we were not all there for him in those final moments.

That week was full of preparations. We planned with the funeral home and family started arriving in town. Although it was great to see everyone, it was sad, sad circumstances. After the dust settled, it was just you and me. I wasn’t sure if you would last two days, two months, or two years, without him. You just lost your best friend, and I wasn’t sure you knew what to do next.

It was February 2016. We just lost Gramps. It was snowing. I didn’t have a job yet therefore, we made fires, watched the snowfall, and watched black and white movies all day. We didn’t go out in the cold if we didn’t have to. About a month later, my high school girlfriends talked me into volunteer coaching for the high school softball team. Then one of my college girlfriends offered me a job at a local dairy isle. What a change from the field of education! We had a wonderful summer once the weather turned. We zoomed around town in my little convertible EOS, watching softball games, eating ice cream, drinking wine, and going out to eat at our favorite restaurant, Venango Valley. I reconnected with high school and college friends and was enjoying being with you and being back in my hometown.

Then December came and you broke your hip (the first time). I couldn’t let what happened to Gramps happen to you so I vowed to be with you 24/7 and I broke you loose from the rehab center. Once you were back home, your spirits picked right up, your attitude changed and you were walking around the house with your walker in no time. You became more dependent on me, but I was just happy you were doing well.

That February, after your fall, we both were sad and depressed because of the weather, and we were tired of being cooped up in the house. We needed a change. Therefore, we took off for Florida. It was perfect timing because that is when I met my Prince. You seemed to like him right from the start and that was the beginning of more crazy adventures, but now there was three of us.

Making the change and being able to take care of you led me to so many wonderful things in life. I reconnected with amazing friends and got to spend more time with them. I also met new friends who grew to love you and your presence. And of course, I met my husband. We all miss you more than you know.

(to be continued…)

In Adventures with Gram

St. Gram’s Day

March 15, 2022 No Comments

To me, as a little kid, St. Patrick’s Day meant that we had to go to church. Once I turned 21, it meant drinking green beer and celebrating with the rest of the fools who were out and about. Over the past three years, St. Patrick’s Day has become something more special to me and last year it became St. Gram’s Day.

In 2019, we had lifelong friends in town for a visit to Florida. We had recently bought our boat and had the name put on the back of it. Our friend, Katie, who designed our logo was in town so we christened the boat with beer and a trip to the Boathouse. Gram was dressed in her St. Patrick’s Day best, and we had a wonderful day playing in the sun and celebrating all the good things in life.

Katie designed our amazing logo “Sabai, Sabai” which means don’t worry, be happy in Thai. She added a kettlebell for the A and put the world map inside it because we love CrossFit and traveling. She also dotted the i’s with airplanes for my hubby. As you have read in “How Did I Get Here?“, I went to Thailand to teach English which is where I learned the meaning of the words Sabai Sabai. Therefore, that is what we named our boat to show others there is no benefit to worrying. As life happens, look at the positive and make choices that make you happy.

In March 2021, Jeff and I were on a ski trip in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Gram had passed away just a few weeks prior. I was still kind of in shock and sad about losing my best friend. What happened that St. Patrick’s Day will forever hold a special place in my heart. I will never forget the love and support shown to me by all who participated in the event.

On St. Patrick’s Day that week, our group met out on a rooftop bar after a bluebird day of skiing. My husband gave a little speech about Sweet Gram and all of the group unzipped their jackets. And there on their shirts appeared sweet gram’s smiling face and a message saying “St. Gram’s Day…Do it for the Gram.” It brings tears to my eyes as I write this today.

Most of the people in this group had the opportunity to meet gram. They had either met her on a ski trip or met her at our house in Florida. And, of course, we talked about her all the time. Many of them knew her and loved her just like we did. It still amazes me how thoughtful this group was to wear shirts for me as an amazing tribute to my little Gram.

So, this week I will wear my St. Gram’s Day shirt with pride. I can’t thank my husband and the members of our group enough. It means the world to me that these three above thought of the idea and made the effort to make my week a little brighter after the devastation of losing sweet Gram.

Thank you, my friends. I cannot say it enough. Happy St. Gram’s Day, Gram! Drink some green beer for us!